Hi, Sam Fischer here. You might have heard me sing for Acts of Hate - the band that your teenage daughter's boyfriend who you don't approve of listens to. Yeah, you know that guy - the one with all those piercings and the hair that looks like a chemical spill in a paint factory? That guy listens to us and is responsible for about 40% of our album sales. You also might have seen me milling about stores in Detroit, marveling at the large selections of low-calorie soda. Seriously, there's a lot to choose from if you don't drink alcohol and you're watching your weight. But I'm rambling, let's get to the crucial information about me: I'm 23, I'm sing (I use this term loosely) in Acts of Hate, I'm married to the beautiful Nichole Fischer of the significantly-more-famous-than-my-band-band Vile Hour, we're expecting kids in September, I'm straightedge (gasp) an atheist (bigger gasp) and a snappy dresser (not really.) Although I tend to stay off the compooter (I think twitter is evil) I've decided to start this blog, not because I actually think people care about anything that I say, but because I don't care whether or not people care about what I say so much that I'm willing to post my thoughts on the internet for the entire world to see. Fun, right? So from here on out, whenever I have something to say (and seeing as this is the internet, I'm not going to hold back. There's no such thing as manners here, right?) I'm just going to say it here. Woohoo! Anyways...
Fans have been asking questions as to why Rob and Jeff are gone, so I thought I'd answer all those questions right now, in the simplest terms possible. Rob explained for himself the reasons he left, and I think they were fair and good reasons. I still love him like a brother and he's welcome in my home any time. The thing that people don't understand is Jeff leaving. I'm going to just make this clear once:



This is the question that pissed me off the most, so I'm going to try to explain myself here: I'm straightedge for myself, not for anybody else. Not for my mom, my dad, my friends, or even for my wife. I choose to live a clean lifestyle because I (emphasis on I) think that it's the way I should live. Here's another thing I'm going to make clear.



I'm proud to say that one of my best friends in the entire world is Erich Hess - a man known for his ENORMOUS drug intake. Even more people ask me how I can be friends with Erich when our lifestyles are so contradictory, and here's the answer: Erich is a person who I enjoy spending time with, and who respects my lifestyle. That's literally all I ask for - that people respect my lifestyle. If you want to shove a needle full of heroin into your dickhole and snort coke until you shit yourself and pass out in an alleyway, fine, awesome, cool, good for you. Just don't do it around me. There are people in my family and people I love who drink, smoke, and do drugs, and that's totally fine with me because they respect me. Again, I'm rambling, so I'll try and get to the point...

Jeff was fired because he was a total mess. He wouldn't show up to practice, he wouldn't answer my calls, and the few times he showed up, he'd be stoned, drunk, and puking on his bass. And he was completely content to live that life, with no concern for the band or for anything but himself. So he got the boot. There. That's it, end of story. What, you were expecting some really juicy gossip? Like, maybe, that he was into midget porn and ran a tiny midget sex slavery ring? Well, no, that's not the case. If you want stories like that, don't read my blog. Go read culture uncut or something.

Jake Gomez [Reckless Abandon] - 'Imagine a guy came along and said everything every single straight edge person has been trying to say for a damn long time. Mr Fischer nails it. I'm in a band with absolute junkies of the highest order, and people assume it means I look down at them and hate their lifestyle. No. Like this guy says, straight edge is a personal choice. We aren't all self righteous, we just choose not to do drugs and drink. For ourselves. High five, my friend.'

Sam: I know you don't do the whole heroin in dickhole thing. If you did, I'd have to give you a stern talking to, I don't think Ada would appreciate any needles around your groin area.

ooc: you know what words I love, mr. hess.

'

Sam: exactly, my man. It's infuriating that people think we're so weird just for living like we do. I mean, aren't they telling kids in school to not do drugs? And then if you're an adult and you make the choice to not only stay away from drugs but also not smoke and drink, they think you're odd? I guess they just don't want people to do the illegal drugs, and if you don't do the legal ones it's like there's something weird about you. Again, I'm rambling; I love Reckless Abandon's work and hope sometime we can work together in some capacity!



Sam: Exactly, babe. I just don't think my blog will be as popular seeing as I'm not nearly as hot as you are ;) and I really dig Scott and Jay a lot. I think with them we can put out some of the best material we've ever made.

A WHOLESOME BLOG POST THAT'S SUITABLE FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY

Why is there an option on internet porn to "share on facebook or twitter"? I have people I know on twitter. I don't need them to know about what I'm jerking it to and when. The amount of times that happens has increased ever since my wife left for the No Venues tour, unfortunately, so if my wife reads this - I MISS YOU HURRY HOME I LOVE YOU MWAH MWAH *all that cute stuff*. And you're probably going, "hey Sam, isn't posting about it on your blog kind of sharing with everybody that you noticed that whilst masturbating?" Well, constant reader, you can shut the hell up and stop thinking about me jerking it. Seriously, you're making me uncomfortable.

Brutally yours,
Sam

Erich: I agree. Why would I share that I was watching an erotic retelling of "Heidi"? Sorry,mom...well,at least now you know.


Erica: great. You know what I'm thinking about now. Sam jerking the gherkin.

Sam: So am I, baby. I hope everything's going well on the tour? Everybody treating you right?


Sam: ...could you link me that Heidi thing? OUT OF CURIOSITY, I ASSURE YOU! And it's bigger than a gherkin! It's at least...a common garden cucumber!


Exactly! I wish more people looked at it that way instead of thinking I'm mean for firing him.

Nichole: Mhmm... I just miss you... I lot... You should come to San Francisco on the 27th... That's my birthday, by the way...