Erica:aw,you guys. Tell you what,a week in the pokey is too much. We will bake a cake with a file in It. I've seen it done in cartoons,so there's a pretty good chance it will work in real life.

Erica:lets not forget a night stick up the ass. That seems to be a thing in the states. Why,I do not know. I guess that bumper sticker is legally binding. Cash ,ass, or grass.nobody rides for free.

Alright kiddos! Your buddy Chilly Willy is gonna give it to ya straight about what happen this night (because the dancers don't even know how to fucking write).

Recap: El DD and the Demon Big Sacs are in the shit house. Erica from the Harlots tried to bail them out with a cake with file paper stuffing. The Canadian police are so fucking fat that they ate through the paper without even noticing. Why would any want to bail out those three losers? The world may never know.

But wait, the Satanic Sex express doesn't stop there babies. I convinced the dancers to fill in for them (took a lot of wind from my throat to make em do it).




The dancers are damn braindead and tonedeaf. They don't know how to play an instrument except that they wing it on drums and bass, real poorly. So yeah, today, the people of Billings got to hear the music of Satanic Sex without guitars and with a chick vocalist. On top of that, they sucked.

They still had to do the sound check because everyone else was getting stoned while the dancers were craving for their damn fix for their addiction that El DD gave them. So yeah, the whole show sounded like shit until Some Kind of Planet played, that's when the sound guy got his shit together and finally fixed the fucked up sound.

Sally did bass and vox while Val did drums and they sucked at it. Sally knew none of the lyrics except for the shocking titles the band gave them so she just shouted random gibberish and trying to mimic El Dick Diablo's singing style. El DD winged it a lot when he was fucked up but at least he did it with fucking confidence. These chicks didn't even know that's a word. Anyways, they were beyond amateurish: Val was not in-sync with time for any of song, Sally just fucked around with the bass like a dumb 6 year old at Guitar Center, and she sounded worse than El Dick Diablo.

Third song hit, the flight of the bumble-beer bottles came, they stopped, cried, and left the stage. Backstage they kept crying about how much they fucked up, Adali I think told them some wise old man saying and that made them feel better. The dancers then exchanged sex for a ride to the next show from Disco Squad 666 which they willing accepted. They fucked in the vacant (and probably got infected with at least 7 different types of severe STDs) and the rest is history. Goddamn El DD is going to kill those whores once he finds out.

Harlots report: the bus is smelly,but we are still cute. All is well. If we weren't all still cute,we would have to borrow some. Not bragging,but I think we are the cute ones on this tour. So we'd be s.o.l if we needed to borrow a cup of cute. On the upside of things, there has been zero drama in this tour. I'm guessing the total sausage hang has something to do with that. I have half a mind to wear a strap on,just so I can fit in...do they sell limp ones?

In any case. The shows have been going well,if a little typical. That's why I've written so little lately. There simply was nothing to report. Still isn't,unless us living on pork rinds is interesting.

Last night's sleep was terrible. As you all know, Diablo is quite the fucking junkie and you know what happens when a junkie has no drugs for a day? They go through fucking withdrawals. Jail had bottom of the barrel drugs that were way harder to get than drugs in the freeland but drugs nonetheless. Somehow Diablo got a hold of those shit drugs (they're fucking shitty drugs, trust me) and wasn't sober for the entire time at the shithouse. He didn't have drugs the day we got out of jail and the day after which means that last night was the time when the withdrawals fucking kick in. At the vacant when we were trying to go to sleep, he was crying harder than a baby, screaming like a fucking banshee, and panicking way more than someone who smoked weed for the first time. It was fucking horrible. I kept telling him to shut the fuck up and slapping him to fucking cut it out but nothing worked. In fact, he got even fucking crazier. I had only one more thing to do: knock the lights out of him. I punched him with all my might but it didn't do the job. After that, he fucking jumped right the fuck out of bed, busted through the vacant door, ran across the hallway, and jumped right out the window at the end of it. It was three stories high and we were sleeping in the second one so unfortunately, he didn't die. More unfortunate, some fucking Mexican guy who works there told us to leave. He was on his way anyways because of Diablo's withdrawal freakout but now he was even more pissed and hesitate to take us out of the place. It was fucking disgusting and had roaches crawling all over the place anyways. We slept in the van while Diablo was "sleeping" at the side of the vacant.

We woke up at 12 and we tried to find Diablo at the same spot he landed on but he wasn't there. We looked for him and found his fucking fatass asking the same Mexican guy who kicked us out for meth. The Mexican guy got so creeped out and was probably gonna dial 9-11 right the fuck there so I smacked Diablo and told him to get in the fucking van. He then tried to shake me up for smacking him but I just told him to get in the fucking van already and he soon followed. He kept nagging about how I slapped him and how he was gonna beat the shit out of me. I almost hit a fucking car because I was too busy trying to shut him right the fuck up.

We finally made it to the venue and now Diablo shut his fucking yap for once. We made the Crue guys do soundcheck since they're better musicians than us in all honesty. I'm kind of afraid to admit it but the Crue guys are actually really fucking good. They're better than Doc and Jeff for sure and they only had a couple days to learn our material. Even though they were from a shitty Crue coverband, they're actually not that bad. Too bad Diablo's a fucking asshole and was fucking with them for the whole soundcheck. He threw the free beers he got from the free bar at the boys and yelled "poodle fucking fags" and other shit like that at them during the soundcheck. Of course the guys were more mature and professional than all of us so they manage to bottled their rage and save it for a better time.

So the earlybirds came in and this time around, there were plenty of them. Sure they only came to see Some Kind of Planet or the Harlots but it was a decent crowd nonetheless. And wow, fucking wow, we sounded good. Those Crue kids really did a fine job in soundcheck even though Diablo was bullying them the whole time. I'd thought I'd never hear this crystal and clear of a mix on tour. But it was kind of bad because me and my son were a little sloppy as usual but it was a live show so no one really cared. Diablo on the other hand somehow managed to make this the worst night of all. He kept asking the crowd if he can get any meth in between and during the songs. He was doing his vintage gibberish when he forgot the lyrics which always embarrasses the fuck out of the band. After we got done with the fifth song, Diablo was making a speech, saying: "So you fucking pansies don't have any crystal for good ol' Diablo?" No one responded because they weren't shitty junkies so he fucking just grabbed the bass amp and threw it at the fucking crowd and shouted "fucking straight-edge punks fuck off" and walked off stage. Like some other time, that equipment wasn't ours. We were borrowing it from both Disco Squad and Harlots because they were sharing it with each other. So basically, Diablo fucked over the Harlots, Disco Squad (well fuck them), and his own fucking band all in fucking one. He was gonna get one so fucking badly, he's gonna wish he was dead. Since the fatfuck was tonedeaf anyways, we just continued our last song bassless and without him. I asked if the bassist knew the lyrics and he said yeah. I didn't believe him at first but I gave him a shot anyways and he was actually really fucking good. He fucking slayed, had operatic range and actually knew way more of the lyrics than Diablo. After that, we left backstage.

Surprise surprise, Diablo was causing a ruckus backstage too. He was fucking beating up the bunny guy for meth. Why the fuck would the bunny guy have meth? That's when I lost my shit and fucking wielded my guitar at Diablo but being that he was sober, he used his drug-free reflexes and dodged my hit with me accidentally hitting the bunny guy. I fucking feel sad for the guy now. I know we've been throwing his shit out and beating him up with beer bottles but a guitar to the head is too much. Diablo said "what the fuck man? I was about to get some fucking meth for once" and gave me a shove because he was stupid enough to think that bunny boy had meth on him. This fucking guy had to get one so I landed a punch to his face, then he landed a fat one on me, and it just turned into a fucking brawl as usual. The security guards grabbed us, threw our asses out the backdoor, and told us to "fuck off you damn retards." We got up and like the neanderthals we are, we continued to duke it out in the parking lot. We kept fighting until Erich came along to return the favor about Diablo throwing the amp to the crowd. He flicked his switchblade out and stabbed the holy fuck out of Diablo. It was all in the gut and one was in the leg so he just was feeling fuzzy until I punched him out since his guard was finally fucking down. Erich said "next time, get a cage for that stupid monkey." I agreed. I told the rest of my band to put fucking Diablo in the trunk and that we should scram before the police came for the amp incident. Thank god we don't have a show tomorrow, I can't put up with this fucking bullshit anymore.