I am Bilal Shaeen Khan, professionally known as Billy Khan to the world. Well, even my friends don't get to call me by my real name. I also tend to avoid it unless I feel like saying it. It's a horrible name. Billy sounds a lot more playful, friendly and approachable although I doubt those adjectives really describe my personality that well. I think being called Lucifer or Adolf or Taylor would be far more fitting due to my lovely track record and the reception I tend to receive from the general public. Fellow musicians and "celebrities" are generally more welcoming but that's because I'm powerful and making a shit load of money. They want to look good by having me on their arm in a photo, cheesy grin and that random finger point thing included. If I were in the same position I was in back in 2009 then they would probably shun me too. In fact they definitely would. No "probably" about it. Anyway, I'm rambling on too much here.

I can't really say if this life had been great or shit because I can't compare it to anything else. I've only had the one life, unlike Dustyn who claims he used to be a cat but I think that was back when he was hooked on the nose candy. No, I've only had this life and although I am only 22 years of age I feel like I've been going since the beginning of time. The amount of stories I could tell you...well, think of all the stories you hear from your grandparents, times them by 100, add in a lot of nudity, drugs, sex, betrayal, more nudity, money, weapons, tears, screaming and a dick piercing and you've just scratched the surface on what I could tell you. Maybe I'm over exaggerating? Maybe everybody has a life like this and I'm just blowing it all out of proportion thinking I'm unique? Either way, it's been one hell of a journey and while I'll never get the chance to live a "normal" life, I don't think I would swap this one for the world or do anything differently. It's all I know and have known. Maybe a different path would have resulted in a lasting marriage? Maybe another turn could have helped avoid some of my intense rages? Maybe a new direction would have taken me to a better place instead of being here...typing this. Although if any of those routes resulted in me not becoming a father to Daniel, meeting some of the most incredible people and Weekend not having their sexy Asian member then fuck off with all the "what if?" bollocks.

I've never really understood life. People seem to learn and grow from things over time. I seem to be plucked from one reality into another and then suddenly expected to know everything and how to behave. I compare my life to The Sims with the cheats on. One minute I'm on the street, sleeping behind a row of shops, using a pizza box as shelter and then *types in motherlode code* TA-DA! Lights, camera, action. I'm swimming in money, everyone knows my name, my face is everywhere, I'm travelling the world, winning awards and...I'm suddenly a role model? Yeah because that's what you want, me as an idol. That's the thing that scared me most and it still does. One minute people didn't even care enough to know my name let alone what I had to say. I was close to being yet another statistic. Fuck knows how many times the nurses at the A&E saved by life from another knife or broken bottle inflicted wound. All of a sudden, people are taking my word as gospel? It's frightening. That amount of pressure is daunting. I have the fans hanging on every word, their parents scrutinising it, the media picking it apart and then the haters trashing it all. I can't breathe without it offending someone or saving their life. Bit of an exaggeration there but you get the point. I didn't ask for this. I turned up at an audition in stolen clothes (stolen from a store, not from another person. I DO have standards)...anyway, I sang my heart out because I literally had nothing to lose and everything to gain. I didn't think that I would get into the band and when I did, I still thought we wouldn't last long. All I cared about was that it was going to put a roof over my head for a while and that was it. Having the luck I did at the time, I believed we'd fall apart before even releasing a single or if we did actually manage to get around to releasing shit then it wouldn't make a dent in the charts. I was so fucking wrong. Say you were optimistic unlike me; "Yeah we can go top ten!", "Of course we can crack the UK!", "Let's hit the road and tour the country! Wooooo!". All of that seems like the goals and ultimate peak for little, thrown together pop bands. World domination, going down in the history books and being mobbed while taking the bins out? Forget it. Well, that's what happened and this is my life right now. Yeah, it's a crazy world isn't it?

Like my fucked up, tortured but sexy and creative mind, this little entry is all over the place. Just typing my thoughts as they come. When you read this please don't go correcting grammar. Just makes you an arsehole and don't argue with me. It does! Anyway, I lack the vocabulary Riley possesses but unlike Mr Switzerland, I just tell it like it is and NEVER remain on the fence. It's either black or white, love or hate, good or shit, up or down...you get it. My outlook on life and the way I express it is the reason so many of you cunts hate my guts. It's also how I found some of my closest, like minded friends. I like people who aren't afraid of telling me that I'm being an absolute twat - with reasons to back it up, of course. If I think someone is a straight up, argumentative prick with no redeeming qualities then I'll just kill their career in 140 characters or less then move on. If I see more to them though and they have a lot of fight, I may just push a few more buttons to see what I get. Honor, Kai, Rory, Erica, Mercedes and dare I say Andrea...all very strong personalities and I've probably clashed with them more times than I care to remember. Some on that list can stomach me more than others and depending on when someone reads this, the names may have fluctuated again. When people say that I have no friends and that nobody likes me, I see those guys in my contacts list along with my Weekend boys, Deneil and Jerry and I smile. I know that no matter how much of a dickhead I am, they'll understand and be ready to hear me out once I come down from my rage...and take my meds. I have a large network of support but those guys really understand or at least try to understand how my mind works because of my disorders. I love them. Oh and not everyone I attack on Twitter is a potential friend. I tend to keep on hounding the "nicey-nice" people on Twitter because we all know they're fake as fuck and I hate that. Layla? Val? Izzy? We all know they skin puppies alive behind closed doors.

I've also come to realise that I do actually have family who care for me now. A family I have started on my own, more or less. Deneil is my only blood relative who is still around. I couldn't be happier for my little brother absolutely smashing it. I envy him, I really do. He went through most of the same fucked up shit I did yet somehow stayed sane, got through it all and also became a success without all of the madness that I have to deal with on a daily basis. He's holding his own and I salute him. He's always had my back and I'll always have his. We've shared a stale sandwich just so we had something to eat. I doubt petty attempts by the media and teenage girls to pit us against each other will break our bond. I still see Andrea as family too. She's the mother of my child, a great friend and possibly the person who understands me most in the entire world. People think we're estranged now or that we hate each other. There's actually still love there. Not "in love" but...love. She's a wonderful woman who is NOT given enough credit for anything she does. A terrific mother to Daniel, one hell of a writer, singer and performer and just an amazing person. My amazing boyfriend Jerry is another that I consider family even though we aren't married. Hopefully I can call him my husband one day but I'm not sure considering...time. Anyway, lots of people don't understand this. Not just the fans or the knobs working for the showbiz section of The Sun, I'm talking about some of my closest friends. It hurts when I hear them say they don't like Jerry but I respect their opinions and I'm grateful that they don't keep interfering. I wouldn't be keeping my mouth closed either if the shoe was on the other foot. I'm not asking for permission to love him. I just do and if you've got a problem, FIGHT ME. I see a lot of myself in Jerry. There's more to him than meets the eye, not everyone wants to give him a chace and he's a total freak in the bedroom. Definitely my type. He's sweet, understanding, caring, attentive and surprisingly great with Daniel. Again, not everyone sees that but I'm the one letting him live with me and he's sleeping in my bed every night so as long as I know who he really is then everything is just fine. The staple in my family, the most important member and the one my life revolves around is Daniel, my son. I am not that great with kids. Everyone else seems to be a natural around him and they love playing games and goof around. I can't do that. It's not that I don't want to. It's just not in my nature. I still love him deeply. I can't even begin to describe it. The parents out there will know what I mean. Love is such a small, pathetic word when it comes to expressing how you feel about your child. Say anything or do anything to harm Daniel and I'll tear you in two with my bare hands...and not in the nice way. I don't really give my mum, dad or my elder sisters a second though now. I still see my mum from time to time but we were never that close and as years go by, we drift further apart. My dad...he can go play with traffic. As for my sisters, I do feel bad that I am no longer in contact with them but I assume their minds have been poisoned by my father's side of the family and have that "leave everyone behind, be selfish and never look back" mentality ingrained into them. Shame.

I guess you're wondering what the fuck this is all about, yeah? Well to sum it all up, I've just given a very swift recap of my life. A life that I never really understood until now. Although, like always, things never go right for me. I'm just beginning to compute everything and see and appreciate the life, friends and family I have but it's all going to be taken away from me very soon. At first I thought I had an extremely dark, disturbed mind but then I met a few people throughout this year who made me look normal and I also stumbled into a part of the industry which even made me cower in fear. I've had close calls before. I've had many warnings. All of Weekend have. Now secrets are going to be spilled, lives are going to be ripped apart, a whole trail of destruction is going to rip its way through and I'm going to be at the centre of it. I'm documenting this and will continue to do so in the hope that, one day, someone will find out the truth. There are sick, twisted people out there. I'm an arsehole at times but I'm talking about pure evil. I already know way too much and I can't say anything else because it will only make things worse. I don't want any of that for the people I love.

If you're reading this then you better sit tight. This isn't an everyday journal. This is the story of how I die.

EVENTS OF 22/3/16



Billy waits in the passenger seat of a chic black Mercedes-Benz E-Class S212 while on the phone to his band mate Riley Hamilton. The car is situated in a parking lot outside of a 24 hour supermarket and would be totally empty if not for the lone white van parked a few spots down from Billy and a huge green delivery truck at the side of the store, grumbling away as two young men unload the goods from the back. It's 3:46 A.M. to be precise and it's the perfect time for Billy to do some shopping, well the perfect time for his brother Deneil to do the shopping for him. While his younger brother trails around the ghost town like supermarket, Billy enjoys the warmth and comfort of their luxurious hire car. He turns up the heating to fight off the bitter cold that comes with the early hours in London and connects his phone to the Bluetooth device as he talks to his band mate.

"You know what, Riley? I think we should just scrap that part as the chorus altogether. I mean, I think it's great but it would make a fucking killer bridge instead. It kinda takes on a whole different sound and delivery which we could use to break down the track towards the end of it. We have a great pre-chorus that's really fucking built up and I think that the chorus has to be even bigger and like...a smack around the head. The one we've got now is amazing lyrically but would need a lot of chopping and changing to make an anthem-like chorus and I don't want to do that. The melody we have for those lines is wicked and I don't want to tamper with it. I think we should definitely keep it as the bridge instead."

Billy looks around, enjoying what he can of the "scenery" inside the parking lot while he talks to his friend Riley. There really isn't much to look at but Deneil seems to be taking forever to return with the small list of groceries he sent him in for so he needs a way to amuse himself. If Billy were to look ahead, he'd see straight into the brightly lit supermarket through the huge windows. It's odd seeing a place usually filled with life look so deserted. None of the checkouts he can see from the window appear to be opened and the aisles are lifeless apart from when the middle aged cleaner makes her random appearances with her mop. Behind the car are multiple shopping cart stations standing in the darkness. To the right, nothing but empty spaces and a few street lights and bins in the distance. To the left is the lone white van. As Riley agrees with Billy and delivers his tired response, complete with yawns and all, Billy chuckles and realises that Riley probably wants to get to bed. His friend is more than likely already half asleep and agreeing to something he's not really listening to.

"Alright mate, you sound fucked. I'll let you go and I'll chat to you tomorrow. 'Night, Hamilton."

As soon as Billy hangs up, he relaxes back into his seat and looks to his left towards the van. His stomach leaps as he sees a dark hooded figure look out of the van's passenger side window. Billy never noticed the figure before and he's been sat here for a good 15 or 20 minutes waiting on his brother. It was pretty dark though and the person was wearing all black so they may have just blended into the background this whole time. At least, that's what Billy tells himself before his mind wonders into the "paranormal" paranoia. What slightly unnerves the pop star is that this person's face cannot be seen. It's a total mass of black space under that hood and he or she, appears to be staring straight at Billy. He's not easily scared but there's something not quite right about this situation. He can feel it in the air. Billy taps on the dash and mutters "Hurry the fuck up, Deneil!" under his breath, trying his best to ignore the hooded figure who may or may not still be staring at him. A little side eye to the left and sure enough, he can see this person in the same position, gazing right into the Khan's vehicle. Suddenly, a roaring engine and exhaust pipe spring into life and cause Billy to literally jump in his seat. He turns to see the van lit up and in action. The figure still stares from the passenger side, this time with their leather gloved hands pressed against the window. If that wasn't enough to shake up Billy, he now realises that there must be two of them in the van as the figure he can see clearly isn't the one starting the vehicle up. Slowly, the bulky white contraption trails forward and takes a left, exiting the parking lot and onto the main road. Thousands of thoughts and questions rush through Billy's head but the main one is "Why were they there?". They had been there upon arrival and had sat in darkness almost the entire time. They weren't waiting on anyone coming out from the store nor were they fans or paps eagerly awaiting the brothers' arrival as the decision to go there was very heat of the moment and nobody else knew they were going to be there. Billy isn't usually one to be freaked like this but something isn't right here.

BANG!

"Fuck! Deneil! You fucking little cunt!!" Billy yells, trying his best to seem all macho and dominant after being spooked by his little brother who banged on his window. Deneil had returned to the car without Billy noticing and decided to terrorise his older brother who appeared to be in a trance-like state in his seat. He laughs and pokes out his tongue, taking pleasure in winding up his sibling. He walks around to the trunk of the car and places three shopping bags in before returning to the driver's seat, letting some of the cold night air in with him. Unlike Billy who is dressed in a crisp white suit and smart looking dark jeans, Deneil is wearing a grey beanie hat, a tight white t-shirt and loose grey sweatpants. He always appears more casual and relaxed than his older brother who likes to treat every event like it's part of London Fashion Week. Rather than inform Deneil of the hooded figure and the van, he decides to hound him for taking his sweet time inside. Deneil would more than likely just laugh at Billy and not take the story seriously and the last thing Billy wants is to be ridiculed by his baby brother.

"What took you so fucking long, D?! My arse is numb with all of this waiting around...and I don't know how to work the fucking radio. I'm sat here like a knob while you piss about looking at tins of beans. I only asked for Rice Krispies, peaches and some chocolate bars."

"Chill, fam! I had to buy some things for myself, you know. Ain't all about you, bruv. I haven't been out shopping in a while so I was stocking up again. Also, those self checkout machines were well bad. Things kept fucking up. Kept scanning button mushrooms as 25 by Adele. Trying to charge me £9.99 for fungus, bruv. Had to hunt down for a member of staff. What's with you anyway? You're all...jumpy, bruv."

"Nothing...I'm sorry...I'm just tired, bro. How much do I owe you?

"Nah, it's on me. It was only a couple of quid anyway. Ain't gonna break the fucking bank."

"Thanks, D. You mind taking me home now? I just want to climb into bed and sleep straight away. Jerry's away working with his group and won't be back until late tomorrow so I'm stuck with an empty bed. I hate it when he's not in bed with me. Just going to force myself to sleep and not think about the fact that he's not there. Fuck, I've become part of one of the very things I hate - a soppy couple. I used to love my own space but now I need him with me. It's fucking disgusting."

Deneil laughs and shakes his head, just enjoying listening to the ramblings of his brother. Even being in love and one of the most famous people on the planet right now, everything he says and does is still so "Billy". While Deneil straps on his seat belt and fires up the Mercedes-Benz, Billy sighs and rests his head against the window. His thoughts are a jumbled collection of missing his fiance for the night as well as the strange situation with the guys or girls in the van. Deneil rambles on as the car leaves the parking lot while Billy drifts in and out, giving one word replies and making noises in agreement every so often without really listening to what his little brother has to say. He's disconnected to it and there's something not quite right about tonight which is gnawing away at Billy. Billy doesn't even comment on his younger brother passing a whole lot of gas on the journey, something which usually earns Deneil a few punches on the arm and insults.

---

Pulling up to the gates of Billy's grand London home, Deneil gets out of the car and opens the trunk to collect Billy's shopping bag. The younger Khan had been asked to stay over but had declined. Even though Billy really doesn't want to feel alone right now, his pride always gets in the way so he didn't fancy trying to twist Deneil's arm and risk looking pathetic, wanting his little brother to stay and calm his nerves. Billy steps out of the car and takes his bag from Deneil, briefly turning to look at the huge padlocked gates behind him. Even Billy's house stands all on it's lonesome which represents exactly how he's feeling tonight.

"Cheers, D. Was nice hanging with you today, bro. Didn't think we'd be out this late...or early...whichever way you want to look at it. Was fun though. We don't really get to do random shit like this any more."

"That's 'cause you're a superstar who jets around the world and leaves us little people behind. Plus you're planning a wedding, bruv. You're a busy man. You can call me anytime though, man...you know that, right? Things may be different now but we're still brothers."

"Yeah, yeah...I know that. We'll hang more often. I promise. Thanks again for tonight, D."

"No problem, fam. See you later, man."

"Yeah, see you around, bro."

Billy and Deneil hug before the younger brother heads back into the warmth and safety of his hired car. Billy turns around to face the tall, locked iron gates once again with his shopping bag tight in his grip. As he fumbles around for the key to the gate in his pocket, Deneil pulls away and drives off down the empty street, leaving Billy truly on his own for the first time tonight. The rattling of the padlock and chains seem to fill the deadly silent road and echo throughout the area. Once inside the pebble filled driveway, the sensor lights come on and illuminate Billy and the entire garden. He closes the creaky gates over and locks up from the inside. Again, something just isn't sitting right with Billy. Everything is rather still and eerie, only adding to the tension. No strong wind, no rain, no traffic passing by, no animals...just the sound of Billy's footsteps crunching on the pebbles leading up to the house. As he puts the key in the door, his phone buzzes, startling him. It's a text message from Jerry.

"I know you're probably still awake at this time. Just want to say goodnight and that I'm really missing you right now. Love you, babe - J xx"

Billy smiles, suddenly feeling more at ease after hearing from Jerry. He steps inside the house and switches the lights on before replying to the text. He immediately heads towards the kitchen after taking his shoes off at the front door. Billy places the bag on the island counter and takes out the groceries, double checking to make sure Deneil bought the right things before he opens up his fridge and cupboards, putting the items in the correct place. Reaching up to put his cereal in a cupboard, Billy hears his cat grumbling somewhere in the kitchen behind him. He turns to see his Bengal cat, Zeus, cowering in the corner with his pupils dilated and fur standing up on all ends as if he's in danger. The cat is usually a big softy and comes straight up to Billy whenever he returns home, looking for attention and treats.

"Zeus what's wrong?"

Billy closes the cupboard door and slowly walks over to the feline, not wanting to startle or intimidate him even more. He has no idea what's going on. Billy is pretty sure he fed the cat and the dog before he left so it's not as if Zeus is pissed at him for that. He slowly reaches his hand out to pet the cat to show him that everything is OK. Zeus whines before spitting at Billy. Deciding it's better to leave him to come out of his mood on his own accord, Billy sighs and turns his back on the cat before proceeding towards the hallway. Just before leaving though, he can see that his dog's food bowl is still totally full. It hasn't been touched at all. Knowing Chico (and all dogs), there's no way that food would have lasted that long. Adding that with the strange behaviour of the cat, Billy is immediately alerted.

"Chico? Chiiiiccoooo??"

Whistling and calling out for his dog, Billy tiptoes around the hallway and tries his best to find the balance between gentle and ready for action. He doesn't want to disturb his pets but after being swiped at by his cat, he also doesn't fancy being attacked by a dog either so has to remain on guard. Walking into the darkened living room, Billy calls out once again and stands in the doorway. After no response, he reaches in and hits the light switch. Touching the switch, he feels something wet on his fingers which causes him to wince in disgust. He couldn't see what it was at first but once the light was on, Billy looks down at his hand and sees droplets of red smeared across his finger tips. He raises an eyebrow and realises that it's blood. How the hell did blood get on his light switch?! More importantly, who does it belong to?

Looking up and into the living room is what truly shakes Billy to the core. His stomach churns. Beads of sweat instantly trickle down his face. His knees knock together and his beautiful tanned skin morphs into the palest of white. All along his walls are smeared, covered and splashed with blood. Drops of dark red blood are scattered over his laminated floors as well as his once white centrepiece rug. Big objects such as his television and glass coffee table still remain untouched but a few vases have been smashes as well as pictures. The huge mirror that once took pride of place in the middle of the feature wall is now on the floor in front of the fire place, smashed into pieces. Now, in place of the mirror, lies to word "SOON", written in blood with all capital letters and underlined twice, just in case Billy missed the point. Turning to leave the crime scene, Billy stops in his tracks and yells as he sees his beloved dog pinned to the back of the door with one of his chef knives. He covers his mouth in an attempt to stop himself from throwing up. Tears stream down his face but the devastation soon transforms into sheer panic yet again. He realises that the padlocked gate at the front was still chained when he arrived. The only two entrances are the front door which he entered and the one in the kitchen which he passed earlier. Neither of them had any signs of forced entry.

Whoever did this knows how to get into Billy's house with great ease.

Whoever did this knew that both Billy and Jerry would be away for most of today in order to commit such a foul act.

Whoever did this has been watching.

The past week has certainly been eventful for Billy. He's found himself at war with his boss yet again, receiving a major backlash from certain people in the media, had another naked photograph leak and is at loggerheads with Oscar behind the scenes once more. In other words, it's just another regular week in the life of Billy Khan. He tends to just blaze through every day and every situation without a second thought or any consideration for anyone else or the consequences of it all. It's not a conscious decision to be this way, it's just how Billy is and it's why he sometimes fails to understand why everyone gets mad at him. Billy's an open book and carefree so when people take offence, he immediately believes that they are the ones in the wrong, not him. He's noticed that his fiance, Jerry, has been pretty quiet since the new scandal and is starting to wonder whether or not it's bugging him too. It's not as if Jerry doesn't know Billy and his tendencies to involve himself in drama so something is up.

They lay on the couch with Billy underneath and Jerry laying on top of him. Jerry's back is resting on Billy's chest as he's just received a shoulder massage from him. While the entire night hasn't been problematic at all, there's still been a weird atmosphere throughout the house. Jerry's been answering in really short, basic sentences and sometimes only replying with one word. Eye contact has also been at a minimum too. There have been little spells of this ever since the picture leaked but tonight is definitely the most awkward it's ever been. Billy tries to liven things up and draw out that spark in Jerry again so he begins to kiss his fiance by the ear, staying in the same position on the couch, while sliding his hand down Jerry's midriff and heading towards his crotch. Billy slips his hand under Jerry's briefs and begins to feel on his cock, still kissing him on the cheek and ear area as he does so. After a few moments of brushing his thumb over Jerry's cock head, Billy realises that he's still soft and clearly not feeling it, which is very unusual. "Babe...do...do you not like that, or....?" Billy asks as he still tries to pleasure him.

When Jerry gets like this, it upsets and really confuses Billy. As he himself is rather expressive of his feelings, he expects everyone else to be too and it's hard for him to read and compute what's going on when Jerry puts up a front. Part of Billy's condition is that he likes to be told straight up, black or white, this or that, and not have to read between the lines as it makes him worried, anxious and even scared which in turn can result in a breakdown. Billy's always dealing with controversy and drama so it's hard to tell what exactly it is that's pissing Jerry off. This is just normal life for him and he cannot fathom why anyone would take issue with it, especially the man who agreed to marry him.

Billy immediately senses the cold bite in Jerry's voice but tries his best to glaze over it. Billy knows that he's not the best at handling confrontation. He goes from 0 to 100 in no time. There's absolutely no middle level with Billy. He's either chilled like he is now or flying off the handle, which he doesn't want to do with Jerry. Instead, he just continues to kiss and play with Jerry, pulling his fiance's shorts down and revealing his dick which is still soft. "Beautiful," he says with a little chuckle and peck on the cheek. He continues to feel on him for a moment but is clearly getting nowhere. Billy moves his hand around and cups under his balls and teases Jerry's ass area, trying something new to get a reaction but...nothing. "What's going on? Am I not attractive any more? You're still all...limp, babe."

Billy immediately sits up, moving Jerry off of him and onto the other seat on the couch. Jerry knows that when having discussions with Billy that it's like treading on eggshells as anything could set him off. Sometimes it's the little things that Jerry doesn't give a second thought about that triggers Billy, sending him into an unexpected rage which seems to be the case right now. "I wouldn't understand?! You saying that I'm stupid? That I can't understand a simple problem? Just fucking tell me and then maybe I will understand!" Billy raises his voice and turns to face Jerry. He's not full-on shouting as Daniel is asleep in his room but there's enough bite in his voice to make Jerry realise that he's touched a nerve. One thing Billy hates is his intelligence being questioned, even though Jerry wasn't meaning it like that at all. "What the fuck have I done now? Don't say "nothing" because I know that's a bunch of shit. You always do this to me. You have a problem and never tell me yet expect me to know what's going on and fix it. How do you expect me to know if you don't say shit?" Billy then sighs, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, knowing that he's getting all hyped up. "Sorry...just...tell me what's wrong, Jerry."

Billy listens to Jerry and can see where he is coming from but would ultimately prefer if Jerry was straight up with him. He should know how much secrecy and coldness really winds Billy up the wrong way and gets him paranoid. It's a deep routed psychological issue. Whenever anyone keeps things from him, Billy starts to think that they're planning on hurting or leaving him which he has had issues with all of his life. Loads of people have walked out on him and they all have the same defeated air around them that Jerry has right now when they decide to go. He doesn't want that. He'd rather have it out. They're stuck between a rock and a hard place with Billy's temper. "Look...I know I'm...I have issues but if you don't talk...how can I work on things?" Billy sounds a lot calmer now and just shows how quickly he can change. It's a shame as he does have a good heart and this temper is literally something he can't control yet it seems to define him. He doesn't get off on shouting at Jerry, it just...happens. "Tell me what I've done this time. Fucking shout and scream at me if you have to. I know you have it in you. I know your temper, Jerry Holmes. Just please don't keep things from me. I...I get...frightened."

Jerry hits the nail right on the head when he says that most of the people don't give a shit about Billy. He doesn't seem to realise that most people follow and interact with Billy either to laugh at him, to thrive off the drama or for their own personal gain. Not that he means to be, but Billy is essentially a glorified trolled and people live for his antics, not Billy himself. He doesn't understand that though. Billy suffers severe rejection issues and has done all his life so to have 45 million followers on Twitter, people messaging him all day and the media giving him attention makes Billy feel like he's actually wanted and loved. It's why he spends so much time on social media, he feels important and needed. Little does he know that he's just being used and will also be dropped the second someone more interesting comes along. "Jerry, I've had nudes leak for years. I really don't care now. It's all just a bit of fun. Regardless of whether I have clothes on or not, people are going to look at me in a sexual way. Same goes for you. It's part of the job. The most important thing is that it's you who I love and come home to." Billy holds Jerry's hand, thinking carefully about what he wants to say and not get all flustered about it. Usually, words just fly out and they don't come out the way he wanted which ultimately leads to another rage. "I'm not doing too much. I don't put on a show. These people are my friends, Jerry." Billy lets go of his hand and sounds a lot more serious now without coming across as aggressive. There is a look in his eyes though, a look Jerry is all too familiar with, that suggest he'll break if he doesn't like what he hears next. He often looks confused, like he's trying to calculate a huge sum in his head and that tells Jerry that he's trying to process his emotions but struggling. Billy either usually has this look on his face or a rather empty, lonely glazed over expression which happens when he's all doped up and spaced on his medication. It's very rare that Billy just gets to be "fine", "normal" and himself, which is a shame because that Billy is a truly lovely, funny person.

Billy has a hard time processing heightened emotions all at once so he's glad that the tones in their voices have subdued and it's not showing signs of turning into a shouting match. Although some will find it really hard to believe, Billy wouldn't initially resolve to yelling or anything physical if he had more of a say. Sure, he's got a naturally sharp tongue and is slick with words but he's not a total brute. When he gets conflicting feelings in his head and panic starts to set in, that's when he'll really lash out. Not many people can calm him down or stop him from getting hyped but Jerry seems to have mastered it lately. "I don't think that it damages me any more than real life. Most of the people that have an issue with me on there are people I still meet face to face anyway in this industry. People have issues with me no matter what. If it's not for my personality or my cock, it's for the fact that I'm an Asian guy who has spoken out against religions and also happens to be bisexual. I've got thick skin." Billy shrugs and looks down, not really loving recalling all the reasons why he gets so much flack. Another reason for his big personality is that it's a way of distracting and defending. Even if he was the quietest guy in the band or on Earth, he'd still receive a lot of backlash in this world purely for the colour of his skin and sexuality. A lot of people forget that Billy actually embodies many things that small-minded people despise which could be another reason why he's so quick to bite back. "You want me to be careful and I understand that but...I can take care of that shit. Are you scared for me though? That's what is most important." Billy turns to Jerry and places a hand on his cheek. He brushes his thumb over his cheekbone and looks Jerry in the eyes before slowly moving in for a slow and tender kiss. "I am so fucking lucky to have you. Can't wait to take you up the aisle...and then have a wedding." Billy laughs and gives Jerry another little kiss before the bedroom door opens and little Daniel comes toddling in. He immediately makes a beeline for Jerry, holding out his teddybear to him and giving them a weird look, not really understanding what they were doing while they were kissing.

Likewise, Billy sees a lot of himself in Jerry and it's one of the main reasons he was attracted to him. He could see that like himself, Jerry had a different soul and story under the bravado but not many people would give him the time or even a second thought that there could be more to him. Billy could relate though and started pursuing Jerry, knowing that he had much more to offer. In all honesty, after a few dates, Billy knew that he and Jerry would marry one day. Something just clicked. Not many people understand Billy, especially not after only meeting a handful of times, but Jerry did. Billy knew he was special from really early on in the relationship. "I've been having dreams about the wedding too. They mostly turn into something strange though, like dreams tend to do. At one point Oprah was marrying us and then your head turned into an angry looking emoji." Billy chuckles and rubs his hand up and down Jerry's back. It's not in a sexual way, rather just a way of getting close to him and being comfortable. Daniel wedges himself in between them and looks up at Jerry, smiling. He really is a beautiful kid and looks exactly like Billy did when he was younger, only with a slightly lighter skin tone. He has almost golden brown eyes and a mischievous smile like his father. The only thing he really gets from Andrea is his height as he's very small for a 3 year old. Other than that, he's a miniature Billy and will break some hearts when he's older. "Sleep, Papa?" he asks as he pats the bed. Daniel isn't all that confident with his words but Billy and Jerry always more or less get the gist of what he's saying and right now, he wants to sleep in with them tonight. "No Daniel. You're a big boy. You have your own bed now. You have all your toys to sleep with too. They'll miss you in there." Billy seems to be slowly grasping parenting more and more as of late. If this had been this time last year, he would have just told him no and carried him off to bed himself but now Billy's becoming a little more patient and understanding. Daniel turns in towards Jerry and shakes his head at Billy. "No. Asking fun Papa, not you." Daniel retorts with his transatlantic accent, picking up different pronunciations from Billy, Jerry, Andrea and even Payton. Billy raises an eyebrow and looks at Jerry. "I'm not fun? Jerry, did he just shade me?!" he laughs.