nothing is better than a shower after a show. if you'be been in the audience at a cramped and oversold punk rock show,you know how hot it is. now picture that body heat wafting through the air and combined with stage lights beating down on you. oh...and you have to jump around like a maniac for at minimum,half an hour. headlining? bump that shit up to an hour and half/ two hours. touring with a tourbus is amazing. yeah, the shower doesnt have good water pressure,so it feels like im being pissed on by a couple leprechauns,but its welcome when you are sweaty after a show and you need to go back in and schmooze with people. i'm heading through the venue to sit with gretchie at the merch booth. comfy shorts,a fresh tshirt and my hair pulled back in a pony tail. the smell of fruity shampoo wafts through the air around my head. i dont want anyone saying yeah, i met erica hess. she smelled like a foot. it was some shampoo that nina picked up somewhere. she always has a knack for picking out the best smelling toiletries for the road. now it isnt that well known,but some products just arent meant for the road. there is a science to picking out which ones work with 4 different people's chemistry AND those 4 people can all agree on.

rounding the corner i see gretchie looking the picture of boredom at the merch booth: head propped on arm just watching the next act in a daze. there is only so much playing around on ones phone that can be done before you've seen every tweet,looked at everything you could ever want to buy,or looked at the latest meme crop. it always ends up the same: head propped on arm,waiting for the show to be over. this isnt a slam against anyone. its just after awhile,all the shows run together. the initial run on the harlots merch was over,so it was just manning the post from here on out. sometimes people will spot me there and want to talk,but not all that often. "hiya,gretchie!" i chirp as i plop down beside her. i hand her a half frozen bottle of tea from the bus fridge. unlike most of us, gretchen does not drink alcohol. myself? i have a water bottle filled with a little fruit punch and a lot of everclear.

"mm?" gretchen says sleepily,removing the ear plugs from her ears. these are vital in our business. protect your hearing,once that shit goes,it doesnt come back!! "oh, erica!" she says reaching up to give me a hug. as i'm squeezed,i give her a little smooch on the forehead. "i didnt hear you come in. i was uh... busy selling all this stuff!" gretchen says giggling while gesturing at the booth's walls. they were covered in different shirt designs, vinyl records,stickers,underwear,bras,posters,etc. unlike erich and atomic war bride,we have no qualms about selling stuff. shirts and stickers are as punk rock as liberty spikes and sniffing glue.

there was a pretty good amount of what we put out that was gone. it is nice to see. not so much for the money aspect but for the fact people still want to wear our stuff on them. "You'll never hear me coming." I whisper into her ear.

"Now that simply isn't true." Gretchen replies before taking a long drink of her tea. She must be very thirsty as she downs near half of it in one go. She places her drink on the table and gives me a dirty little wink.

" Gretchen!" I giggle and hold my drink against her bare leg. This causes her to yelp like a small dog. Gretchen pouts slightly while looking around for something,anything to give her an idea for revenge. her eyes narrow and she quickly grabs my drink and throws it. I mean,she fucking chucks it across the venue. The bottle makes a pathetic crunching sound when it strikes the wall and ejaculates most of it's contents into the air. The fluid is highlighted against the venues lights before disappearing onto whomever was around the area. It's a punk rock show,most people get stuff spilled on them anyway.

"What now? Huh?" Gretchie says toughly, thrusting her shoulders at me aggressively. She places her tea bottle out of my reach,just to be safe. "You shouldn't be drinking that shit anyways. It's terrible for you." She tells me fairly seriously.

"I'll take that under consideration,mom." I reply in my best angsty teenager voice. I do kinda wish I still had my drink. Something I have noticed since returning to touring is...well, something that isn't sitting well with me. I HURT After shows. I am TIRED after shows. It might just be being out of the groove since the whole pandemic thing,or...I'm getting older. I didn't even get nominated for sexiest female this year. Ryan Ross hernandez,noted man about town, didn't even hit on me. Is...is my time nearing it's end?

"Oh,I'll definitely be your mommy." Gretchen says to me,pulling me closer by my shirt. "Your Alabama mommy." She finishes and kisses my nose. Yeah,about 69% (nice) of Gretchen and I speaking is done in sex jokes. It's just the way the world is. Frankly,I think we'd disappoint people if this wasn't this case.

"Ew." I laugh and scrunch up my face in disgust.i nod toward Gretchen's tea. " I think you owe me a drink of that. Since my drink is all over the floor." I plead sourly.

Gretchen clutches the bottle to her and shakes her head. " Fuck no." She almost shouts. " You'll throw it. I bought this 300 kilometers ago,you aren't wasting it." She says firmly.

I give her a pleading look and she just remains stoic. I am not getting this drink from her." C'mon. Please?" I ask in my sweetest voice.

"No." Gretchen mouths. She carefully uncaps the drink and drinks from it. She purposely makes it look super refreshing. The swallow is loud,as is the smack her lips when she's done. "You will throw it. You aren't getting it."

"Really,gretchie?" I ask in shock now. Did she really think I was going to throw her drink out of retaliation? .... Ok,I wouldn't give it to me either. Totally seems like something I'd do. "I did an entire show, gretchie. What if I dehydrate?" I whine pathetically.

She shakes her head again. Her blond hair whipping from side to side. "Besides,you don't know where my mouth has been." She says slyly.

"No...but I know where it's going." I retort with a healthy glance down.

Gretchen laughs before shaking her head again. " Not on that bus! I swear there is no privacy there whatsoever!" She says part amused,part dismayed. This was true. The bunks were all very close. The ONE time we tried,nina was making porno music while Lyds was doing the most obscene moaning I have ever heard. I don't even know where they materialized from. It didn't help that nina was wiggling a slim jim through the curtain. Like,it didn't help at all. It looked like I was in a glory hole in king tut's tomb. "Here. I'll hold the bottle and you can drink from it." She finally offers and holds the bottle out for me.

I raise an eyebrow and tilt my head. She really didn't trust me! " Fine, but don't get it in my hair or eyes." I warn. We both realize how dirty this sounds and we crack up. We must be loud because some members of the audience turn to see what the commotion is about. They're greeted to the sight of Gretchen giving me a drink from her bottle like im a small woodlands animal after an oil spill.

"You like that tea, dontcha? You dirty little girl,take all that tea." Gretchen sneers in her most perverted tone while stroking my face with her free hand. I let my eyes fall to the side to look at her. She smiles back at me warmly. The tea does taste good and does wonders for my thirst. I can almost feel each cell do a happy little jig as they become moistened. i give a little nod to let her know that i am done and she takes the bottle back. she caps it and places it far away from me on the table. gretchie knows me and knows me well.

my attention is drawn over to the plume of green hair. lydia is holding court with a plethora of people. i'm not saying i am jealous,but....cmon. erica hess,singer of the harlots is right here. the woman is a born entertainer and its hard to ignore her. i look at her and at some of the women around her. its not just women,but they are the ones i am looking at. i sigh as i feel the tightness in my thighs start to grow more intense. and no, not in the fun way. briefly i think about taking some of the many vicodin pills i have...which i totally have a prescription for...yeah. but i pause before my hand even goes in my pocket. i have been drinking all day and the joshua grimmie thing has me spooked. that has been me. that could be me again if i am not careful. i want to go see him but,i dont know. do we really know each other like that? besides,if i wasnt accidental theres probably only a few people he wants around. i know i'd have sent away anyone who wasnt honor when i had my little incident. honor..shit,i wonder how she is these days? under the table,i stretch my legs out to their full length and prop them on the bar that braces the leg of the table. i feel old. i look at lydia with bitterness and back to gretchen. " do you think lydia is hot?" i ask as innocently as i can.

gretchen looks confused at me and then looks to gretchen. our bass player looks to be having the time of her life over there with the people she's met. gretchen nods a little and looks to me without really moving her head. " pssh, yeah. but you're mine . i marked you as my territory and everything." she giggles with a little smile. shes referencing an incident we rarely mention. her giggle dies as we both think about the condition of joshua grimmie.

"i never marked you! you could leave me." i try to say as jovial as i can. the stiffening legs and the realization that i am not 18 anymore is really getting to me. i fold my arms and look over at our bass player. the ten years difference in age is becoming more apparent the more i look at her. am i really going to be the underground die hard at 50 years old? who is going to want to see an old woman on stage?

"weird thing to ask,erica. shouldnt we always think our friends are hot?" gretchen asks innocently of me and reaches down to hold my hand. i want to pull it away. sometimes its uncomfortable with how well gretchen knows me. she squeezes my hand before giving me a half smile and saying " you are the most vain fucking person i have ever met" in japanese to me. this startles me and i look up. outside of when we're home with taki,its rare that gretchen speaks japanese . she doesnt say it accusingly or angrily,but simply stating what she is thinking.
im not going to deny what she is saying. i dont believe it of course,but she seems to think she is right. " is karoliena hot?" she asks,now returning to english. she says this and looks at me expectantly.

now,it would be blasphemy to say karoliena wasnt hot. she is our friend and...well,a little more. those wednesday nights are orgy nights jokes arent just jokes. we've dabbled with each other a bit. we have to quality control the summers time black and blues products,right? " of course." i say to gretchen with a bit of a pout. i know where this is going and i dont want to hear it.

"ok. karoliena is how much older than you are?" gretchen asks in a leading tone. the truth is,none of us know. karoliena can be anywhere from 25-45. nobody knows and nobody has the balls to ask. i do know she is over 40. she's older than i am and i'm,ugh, thirty fucking eight.

"but shes karoliena and a damned vampire!" i protest loudly. "it is super unfair to compare anyone to her. she just gets more elegant as she ages. me? i cant even get the horny music industry to lust after me. i am starting to hurt after shows. i may as well go home." i tell gretchen,now wanting to be anywhere but a merch booth at this show.

gretchen takes a deep breath and looks at me with a look of near pity. this only makes me more angry. like she would know anything about this. "erica...nobody will ever be everything to everyone. look,in between all the very horny comments on my last instagram post..... fucking bitch has a karen haircut and a fivehead. 2/5 wouldnt bang." gretchen says,showing me her phone as proof. "there it is,erica. johnny peanut wont want to fuck me ." she says sarcastically. "youth doesnt last. you'll drive yourself, AND ME ,crazy trying to hold onto it. you're 38,not 68. you have a lot of fuckable years ahead of you,if it it makes you feel any better." she laughs and flicks my left breast up and down with her upturned hand.

i want to be mad,but this just makes me crack up. gretchie always knows just what to say to get me out of my funk. "yeah,but what happens when people stop coming to see us in a few years?" i ask softly . fame is the worst drug there is. i know i am not top tier,but it is nice to know people want to see me perform, they want to see me speak. i have a place in the world. i dont know what i'll do when that stops.

gretchen shrugs. " you haven't reached the top yet. so there are still options on which way to go. though,im always a fan of you going down." she grins at me and squeezes my hand again. ah, gretchen. finishing up a serious issue with an innuendo. i do wonder where i'd be in life without her. she always knows what to do or what to say.

"i love you,gretchen. you make this old heart flutter." i say warmly to her before bringing her hand up to kiss.

"careful,granny. can your heart take that?" she teases me and drinks the last of her tea. i narrow my eyes at her,both for the joke and the finishing of the tea. she hands me a bottle of warm water that venue provided us. they gave us water,but a method to cool it? fuck no. thats on us.

"cmon. it'll be a laugh." gretchen pleads to me. " like five minutes and we'll get like ten thousand dollars. maybe even more." she says excitedly. she is doing this all while dressed as some little imp thing that i am either not cool enough,or not nerdy enough to recognize. beyond popping my head into frame sometimes,i never get involved with gretchen's video thingies. ugh,i sound like such a mom. video thingies fuck,get it togther,erica. that is totally her thing. i certainly dont have the.. presence? to act sexy on camera. god,is that why i never win that sexiest female award? no. that cant be it. fucking thing is rigged against me.

"i'm not wasting my debut..guest starring on your channel." i say to her with playful disgust. "honey,i am a star and demand the spotlight." i say dramatically and with great flair. again,i'd never do such a thing. it's great work if you can get it. gretchen earns enough to make me wonder why i am doing it the hard way. "besides, im the head of the erica hess people's liberation front. how would that look?" i ask with a little shrug.

"well,im not and i like stuff." gretchen giggles back. "offers always there. all you have to do is tickle my feet." she sings back to me. since i seem to be firm in my denial,gretchie starts shooing me out. i guess its showtime in imp town.i smooch her forehead in between the shoves towards the door and before i know it,i am standing in the hall of the duke's C deck.

here the carpet is this red color with gold vines through it. the wall's are stark white,so it's actually bright out here. this is a marked change from the usual dank and dim halls. there's no windows so i cant say if we are anchored some where or moving in the open ocean. i meander through the halls this way and that. it doesnt take long until i emerge on the pool deck. i see karoliena there. she is sitting under one of the umbrellas and holding a drink. being karoliena,she of course,looks flawless. i jobble my potato ass over and flop next to her. "you come here often?"

"i come wherever i can." she says cooly and sips her drink. if anyone else did this,they'd look like a fucking idiot.
this causes me to lose it and i nearly die laughing. if you can get her to do it,karoliena can be one of the funniest people you will ever meet.

i lean closer and prop my head up on my elbow. "you didnt answer my question." i reply with as much sleaze as it requires. the sleaze that only comes from a las vegas gambler that looks like beef jerky with silver hair and a mustache. the sort of man who is always one comment away from a threesome or a restraining order.

karoliena doesnt even look at me when she reacts. "needs work,kitten. i didnt feel the sleaze at all." the slip of her drink is slightly louder than usual. i know this is on purpose. everything karoliena does is on purpose.

"whatever." i say sourly. it stings being cut down when you think you're being very cool. she totally ruined my joke. i reach behind te bar and grab a bottle of rum. i take a loud gulp before speaking. i had some information i needed karoliena's input on. she would know. she HAD to know. "say,karoliena. you know erich,right? like personally?" i ask this very obviously and in a higher pitched voice than usual. see,i have this theory that erich hess and mercedes payne are ....i dunno. definitely seeing each other. but its being kept from me! karoliena has to know. she spends a lot of time with erich and besides...i have evidence!

"i am aware of him,yes." karoliena smirks at me. its a dumb question and she knows it.

"you know what he gets up to,right?" i ask,leaning closer.

"for fuck's sake,erica. ask." karoliena says impatiently. if you ever want to piss this woman off? waste her time.

"fine. i had a whole routine and everything planned out." i say sadly. its her loss really. it was super cute and funny. "i was walking by erich's room the other day and i smelled perfume! not perfume any of us would wear. not perfume a hot topic groupie would wear. no. this shit smelled pricey. guillotine worthy pricey." i say with pride. i busted this case wide open. detective erica cracked the case.

"and?" karoliena says flatly. now using her hand to prop her head up in boredom. she uses her other hand to motion for me to continue.

this just causes me to sigh loudly. how can she not get it? i loudly groan in response.

"oh. your silly mercedes theory." she dismisses me with a shake of her head. every thinks i am silly but it is obvious! right there,clear as crystal.

"silly? this is sound! tell me,who would wear the perfume?" i ask her triumphantly. there is no answer for that that she can give." answer me that and i will never bring it up again." i am all in on this theory. i may be many things,but i am a woman of my word. i take another drink of rum and look expectantly over to karoliena.

karoliena calmly makes another martini for herself and sits back down quietly. this is good. she must be taking a drink to steel her nerves before confirming my theory. she bites the olive and slides it off the little plastic sword. she munches it before speaking. she use the little sword to punctuate as she speaks. "well... dont tell anyone i told you this,but..." karoliena whispers and looks around before continuing. " he's smoking weed in there and is using some of selene's old perfume to mask the smell. he doesnt want you know who to know. " she then proceeds to mouth the letters to micah's name.

"you're fucking kidding me!" i shriek in defeat. of course erich would do some stupid ass shit like that. he can be so weird when micah is around sometimes. i now drink my rum in shame. i could've had it all but i flew too close to the sun. this one case and i would go happily off into retirement but no. the hard boiled detective life beckons and i must heed the call. "im still going to bring up mercedes."

"id be dissapointed if you didnt." karoliena replies flatly.