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Offline The Nimrods  
#1 Posted : 03 December 2009 12:23:27(UTC)
The Nimrods
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Here's the lyrics to a new song I wrote called Sub Zero it's about cold stuff lol.Just tell me if you like and if you don't like what I can improve on.

Blistering cold
hypothermia grips me
into the ice,
i cannot escape.
frozen internally,
blue is my skin.
i wish for heat,
the cold always wins
my skin begins to crack
away from my being.
i slowly collapse,death overtakes me.
in winter i've fallen,
alone in the snow.
i've died in this weather
temperature......sub zero.

As I fall to the ground
I wonder what happened
I can't escape this frozen hell
Where have I been
I won't survive this freezing ice
I give out one last breath
I'd never see the sun a gain
I die a frozen death

My journey was long
Impossible it was
The cold struck my bones
It ran through my blood
My heart had slowed down
I needed some rest
It was the last time I would

Mourning in the day
Feasting in the night
A hero has fallen
Frostbitten, in plight
The Nimrods (Progressive Death Metal,Progressive Metal,Progressive Rock.Think Opeth/Dream Theater/Tool/Pink Floyd)
Jimmy Him- Lead Guitar,Vocals,Primary Songwriter
Davey Matlock- Bass,Guitars,Vocals,Primary Songwriter
Kit Saunders- Drums,additional percussion
Jaska Latvala- Rhythm Guitar,Vocals,Primary Songwriter
Jack Burton- Keyboards,Keytar

Satyr in the Frost(Melodic Black Metal,think Satyricon/Mayhem/Early Dimmu Borgir/Immortal)
Sigmund-Vocals and Rhythm guitar
Celt-Drums
Saxon-Lead Guitar
Sauron-Keyboard
Gris-Bass
Rincewind wrote:
The Nimrods wrote:
I knew you'd be back! *cries*


now now, *hugs and steals wallet*

xNightsidex wrote:
Oops I stumbled over and hit the "extend ban" button.

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Gildermershina wrote:
The Nimrods wrote:
xNightsidex wrote:
Sooo...

What's everyone else do in the real world?


Sell pot and jerk off

JK, or am i?


At the same time?


Rincewind wrote:
Synxhard wrote:
I don't believe in jeans...


well your shit out of luck because they believe in you.....

Offline tension101  
#2 Posted : 03 December 2009 13:40:41(UTC)
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Lyrics really depend on how they're sung. I don't see it as a clear-sang rock song, but if you intend to be a heavy-metal screamed/growled sort of song, they'd be okay.

Can I post some lyrics I made?

399

Bring on the night
Kill off the light
Tongue-in-cheek behavior
Gets me satisfied

You never loved me and you never will
Inspiring my urge to kill
Saving my hate for something stronger
I don’t know if I can hold it for any longer

And now you’re gone
You’re gone

Smile on face you confront me,
Only for me to say you’re dead to me
And then to find that you were never there at all
Put a gun to my face,
Pull the trigger and watch me blaze
Continue to live, but as a rotted corpse

Only god can imagine
What I would do to you
When I find you again
You’ll never be the same

I will make you hurt like I did
When you broke my heart into peices
For all that you put me through,
This is the last dance, Your last chance

Smile on face you confront me,
Only for me to say you’re dead to me
Only to find that you were never there at all
Put a gun to my face,
Pull the trigger and watch me blaze
Continue to live, but as a rotted corpse

You never loved me and you never will
I will make you hurt like I did
Inspiring my urge to kill
When you broke my heart into pieces
Saving my hate for something stronger
For all that you put me through
I don’t know if I can hold it any longer
This is the last dance, your last chance
Too much leather chair is unsightly and greatly increases your risk of leather-smell.
Offline forkboy  
#3 Posted : 03 December 2009 14:21:02(UTC)
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I am extremely satisfied that I no longer have any of the lyrics I wrote as a teenager. Self-pitying, predictable, clichéd and worst of all, utter tripe. I am not a poet, that much is certain. So instead, let me post some lyrics that I didn't right, don't relate to my experience in any way, shape or form, but which are still rather powerful to me.

Manic Street Preachers - 4st 7lb

Days since I last pissed
Cheeks sunken and despaired
So gorgeous sunk to six stone
Lose my only remaining home

See my third rib appear
A week later all my flesh disappears
Stretching taut, cling-film on bone
I'm getting better

Karen says I've reached my target weight
Kate and Emma and Kristin know it's fake
Problem is diet's not a big enough word
I wanna be so skinny that I rot from view

I want to walk in the snow
And not leave a footprint
I want to walk in the snow
And not soil its purity

Stomach collapsed at five
Lift up my skirt my sex is gone
Naked and lovely and 5st. 2
May I bud and never flower

My vision's getting blurred
But I can see my ribs and I feel fine
My hands are trembling stalks
And I can feel my breasts are sinking

Mother trys to choke me with roast beef
And sits savouring her sole Ryvita
That's the way you're built my father said
But I can change, my cocoon shedding

I want to walk in the snow
And not leave a footprint
I want to walk in the snow
And not soil its purity

Kate and Kristin and Kit Kat
All things I like looking at
Too weak to fuss, too weak to die
Choice is skeletal in everybody's life

I choose my choice, I starve to frenzy
Hunger soon passes and sickness soon tires
Legs bend, stockinged I am Twiggy
And I don't mind the horror that surrounds me

Self-worth scatters, self-esteem's a bore
I long since moved to a higher plateau
This discipline's so rare so please applaud
Just look at the fat scum who pamper me so

Yeh 4st. 7, an epilogue of youth
Such beautiful dignity in self-abuse
I've finally come to understand life
Through staring blankly at my navel
Offline Gildermershina  
#4 Posted : 03 December 2009 23:40:08(UTC)
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Here's my contribution:

I: Dead Leaves

Lo I was dragged beneath the Earth
By a cloud of smoke and chains
Tumbled a name from Her tongue

Yet I followed her beyond the trees
Trod light upon the eaves
For dead leaves make Yuletide wreathes

And prison designs panopticon tide
‘Neath Steradian shadow of the sun
Collapsed upon ye Pylon Field

Prison designs panopticon tide
Follow her out to a grave
Collapsed upon ye Pylon Field

For so long now deprived of light
With a heavy clattering of bells
Wrung the rain from His sky


II: October

Wheels of the bicycle
Buried in rust still
Carried the dust
Of an October wire
With wool and blood
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Offline Mt. Epic  
#5 Posted : 04 December 2009 13:13:32(UTC)
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I'm currently writing a song called "Singing in the Rain" and this is like the chorus part I got. Tell me if you like it. It is about redemption and "climbing to the top of the mountain once more".

I'm singing in the rain
I'm singing for the pain
I'm singing for all that I have sinned
I'm singing in the rain
I'm singing to regain
the fame that was lost, all in vain



I know it's kinda bad, but can you tell me how I can improve on it? I'm still just starting this song.
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User is suspended until 16/05/4760 03:38:29(UTC) stephaniewazhere  
#6 Posted : 04 December 2009 15:01:35(UTC)
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Mt. Epic wrote:
I'm currently writing a song called "Singing in the Rain" and this is like the chorus part I got. Tell me if you like it. It is about redemption and "climbing to the top of the mountain once more".

I'm singing in the rain
I'm singing for the pain
I'm singing for all that I have sinned
I'm singing in the rain
I'm singing to regain
the fame that was lost, all in vain



I know it's kinda bad, but can you tell me how I can improve on it? I'm still just starting this song.


To be honest. Its horrible. Sorry don't mean to be mean. Its so cliche, been done/said before and it sounds like a ballad to me if I'm correct. A ballad must have unique emotion. Find something more constructive or symbolic that represents rain, pain.

Edited by user 04 December 2009 15:02:12(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

Offline MetalSludge  
#7 Posted : 04 December 2009 18:25:54(UTC)
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Mt. Epic wrote:
I'm currently writing a song called "Singing in the Rain" and this is like the chorus part I got. Tell me if you like it. It is about redemption and "climbing to the top of the mountain once more".

I'm singing in the rain
I'm singing for the pain
I'm singing for all that I have sinned
I'm singing in the rain
I'm singing to regain
the fame that was lost, all in vain



I know it's kinda bad, but can you tell me how I can improve on it? I'm still just starting this song.



Trying to rhyme at the end of ever line is not a bad thing(immature as a writer, but not bad), however try different rhymes.


Now that I've done the constructive criticism, that is just fucking horrible.
User is suspended until 16/05/4760 03:38:29(UTC) stephaniewazhere  
#8 Posted : 04 December 2009 18:42:42(UTC)
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MetalSludge wrote:
Mt. Epic wrote:
I'm currently writing a song called "Singing in the Rain" and this is like the chorus part I got. Tell me if you like it. It is about redemption and "climbing to the top of the mountain once more".

I'm singing in the rain
I'm singing for the pain
I'm singing for all that I have sinned
I'm singing in the rain
I'm singing to regain
the fame that was lost, all in vain



I know it's kinda bad, but can you tell me how I can improve on it? I'm still just starting this song.



Trying to rhyme at the end of ever line is not a bad thing(immature as a writer, but not bad), however try different rhymes.


Now that I've done the constructive criticism, that is just fucking horrible.


Trying to rhyme is not being immature as a writer. Most songs have rhyming in it. And no matter how fancy the writing is, if you are talking about death or love, it all comes down to it. You just got to make sure the direction of the word is not cliche or simple. But rhyming wisely shows what many people call "Swagger" in your writing, and that will win a judge's decision over a piece that does not rhyme.
Offline MetalSludge  
#9 Posted : 04 December 2009 18:51:09(UTC)
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Yes, I agree most songs have rhyming in it.

However, with the exception of rap, you do not see it at the end of every single line, of every single verse; especially with the more successful artists.

I get the feeling you are taking my calling of it immature as an insult, which it really wasn't.

Many people resort to rhyming so very often, because its easy.


There is nothing wrong with immature writing. You just gotta write to who you are catering to. If you want to entertain a 5 year old, then sure use the same rhyme at the end of every line.

Edited by user 04 December 2009 18:51:57(UTC)  | Reason: changed or every single verse to of every single verse

User is suspended until 16/05/4760 03:38:29(UTC) stephaniewazhere  
#10 Posted : 04 December 2009 18:59:37(UTC)
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MetalSludge wrote:
Yes, I agree most songs have rhyming in it.

However, with the exception of rap, you do not see it at the end of every single line, of every single verse; especially with the more successful artists.

I get the feeling you are taking my calling of it immature as an insult, which it really wasn't.

Many people resort to rhyming so very often, because its easy.


There is nothing wrong with immature writing. You just gotta write to who you are catering to. If you want to entertain a 5 year old, then sure use the same rhyme at the end of every line.


Nope I don't see it as an insult, I just see it as a wrong statement since I am a song writer and I know how it is. See when I write my lyrics I don't focus on rhyming(at first), after I write what I feel, I look at words that mean the same thing, that would rhyme. There is a reason for rhyming. Especially in a song. You just need to know how to do it. Sometimes it is even better to rhyme when you feel like you need to. Which is what I do.

Offline Mt. Epic  
#11 Posted : 05 December 2009 00:04:26(UTC)
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Yeah, I knew the lyrics were terrible. I'm trying to change them. I already have the instrumental part written out, and it's slow, almost ballad-like, so I want the lyrics to rhyme a little bit, cuz the song sounds kinda 80's ballad like, and some of them rhymes.
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Offline Gildermershina  
#12 Posted : 05 December 2009 00:05:05(UTC)
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Mt. Epic wrote:
I'm currently writing a song called "Singing in the Rain" and this is like the chorus part I got. Tell me if you like it. It is about redemption and "climbing to the top of the mountain once more".

I'm singing in the rain
I'm singing for the pain
I'm singing for all that I have sinned
I'm singing in the rain
I'm singing to regain
the fame that was lost, all in vain



I know it's kinda bad, but can you tell me how I can improve on it? I'm still just starting this song.


The only thing there is that I'm singing that as the actual Singing in the Rain, so it'd be like if you wrote:

Old McDonald had a farm,
E-I-E-I-O
And on that farm I had no life
E-I-E-I-O
With a painful memory here and an agonising glimpse of the future there
Here a memory, here a glimpse,
Everywhere a glimpse glimpse...


Not sure it's the feeling you're after.
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User is suspended until 16/05/4760 03:38:29(UTC) stephaniewazhere  
#13 Posted : 05 December 2009 01:41:37(UTC)
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Mt. Epic wrote:
Yeah, I knew the lyrics were terrible. I'm trying to change them. I already have the instrumental part written out, and it's slow, almost ballad-like, so I want the lyrics to rhyme a little bit, cuz the song sounds kinda 80's ballad like, and some of them rhymes.


Well that's a first. Usually a person who writes a song, they develop a sound after they are done writing, not during. You are thinking to much at the moment and it will most likely make it harder for you to write a song. When writing a meaningful song, you should focus on what you are trying to express lyrically rather than musically. Unless you want to write a song, that would most likely end up in a Hannah Montana soundtrack.

Also it is better to write about something you actually experienced rather than something you saw in a movie or TV show.
Offline Gildermershina  
#14 Posted : 05 December 2009 02:03:43(UTC)
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stephaniewazhere wrote:
Mt. Epic wrote:
Yeah, I knew the lyrics were terrible. I'm trying to change them. I already have the instrumental part written out, and it's slow, almost ballad-like, so I want the lyrics to rhyme a little bit, cuz the song sounds kinda 80's ballad like, and some of them rhymes.


Well that's a first. Usually a person who writes a song, they develop a sound after they are done writing, not during. You are thinking to much at the moment and it will most likely make it harder for you to write a song. When writing a meaningful song, you should focus on what you are trying to express lyrically rather than musically. Unless you want to write a song, that would most likely end up in a Hannah Montana soundtrack.


What on earth are you talking about? The VAST majority of songwriters start with the music, the lyrics come later. Or else they come at the same time. It's a lot more difficult for most songwriters to write a melody to fit some words than to write some words to fit a melody.

Edited by user 05 December 2009 02:04:26(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

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User is suspended until 16/05/4760 03:38:29(UTC) stephaniewazhere  
#15 Posted : 05 December 2009 02:14:53(UTC)
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Gildermershina wrote:
stephaniewazhere wrote:
Mt. Epic wrote:
Yeah, I knew the lyrics were terrible. I'm trying to change them. I already have the instrumental part written out, and it's slow, almost ballad-like, so I want the lyrics to rhyme a little bit, cuz the song sounds kinda 80's ballad like, and some of them rhymes.


Well that's a first. Usually a person who writes a song, they develop a sound after they are done writing, not during. You are thinking to much at the moment and it will most likely make it harder for you to write a song. When writing a meaningful song, you should focus on what you are trying to express lyrically rather than musically. Unless you want to write a song, that would most likely end up in a Hannah Montana soundtrack.


What on earth are you talking about? The VAST majority of songwriters start with the music, the lyrics come later. Or else they come at the same time. It's a lot more difficult for most songwriters to write a melody to fit some words than to write some words to fit a melody.


What are YOU talking about? I am talking about people who write music for other people.
User is suspended until 16/05/4760 03:38:29(UTC) stephaniewazhere  
#16 Posted : 05 December 2009 02:20:31(UTC)
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Also the writing process allows you to go take it one step at a time. If you write music for others you do have to a have some sort of flow with you lyrics, but obviously developing a sound along with your lyrics would be very difficult unless you are right there at the recording studio.

Also its very different if you have experience in recording music. If you know what your sound is like or what sounds you can possibly develop with your lyrics or if you have a vision that's different. But if you are an amateur at this than how can possibly come up with a "sound" while you are writing.

Edited by user 05 December 2009 02:24:18(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

Offline Gildermershina  
#17 Posted : 05 December 2009 02:51:01(UTC)
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stephaniewazhere wrote:
Gildermershina wrote:
stephaniewazhere wrote:
Mt. Epic wrote:
Yeah, I knew the lyrics were terrible. I'm trying to change them. I already have the instrumental part written out, and it's slow, almost ballad-like, so I want the lyrics to rhyme a little bit, cuz the song sounds kinda 80's ballad like, and some of them rhymes.


Well that's a first. Usually a person who writes a song, they develop a sound after they are done writing, not during. You are thinking to much at the moment and it will most likely make it harder for you to write a song. When writing a meaningful song, you should focus on what you are trying to express lyrically rather than musically. Unless you want to write a song, that would most likely end up in a Hannah Montana soundtrack.


What on earth are you talking about? The VAST majority of songwriters start with the music, the lyrics come later. Or else they come at the same time. It's a lot more difficult for most songwriters to write a melody to fit some words than to write some words to fit a melody.


What are YOU talking about? I am talking about people who write music for other people.


Huh?


stephaniewazhere wrote:
Also the writing process allows you to go take it one step at a time. If you write music for others you do have to a have some sort of flow with you lyrics, but obviously developing a sound along with your lyrics would be very difficult unless you are right there at the recording studio.

Also its very different if you have experience in recording music. If you know what your sound is like or what sounds you can possibly develop with your lyrics or if you have a vision that's different. But if you are an amateur at this than how can possibly come up with a "sound" while you are writing.


I'm talking about writing a melody, a chord sequence, a rhythm. These are all fundamental to a song. You don't just write words and then somebody else adds a tune later, because that'd be an absolute disaster. And people don't usually do that in a recording studio. They do it with a keyboard or a guitar, or singing a tune. Some people do it programming sounds on a computer. The arrangement may happen in the studio, deciding to give this melody to a guitar here, or putting in a little synthesizer pad there, but by this point there has to be a tune, or you'd be randomly throwing stuff at it to see what works, and that is just not how it works. It'd be like if somebody wrote a movie script that was just the dialogue, so nobody knew who was in a scene or where it was supposed to be set.

Maybe this is your perception of pop music, but a song is not just words and then some background music. Or at least it shouldn't be. Musical structure, rhythm, melody, harmony, these are things that are, if anything, more important than the words. All these elements can be changed and tweaked in recording, but realistically speaking you cannot just make it all up then and there to a set of words. A proper melodic song should be identifiable from it's melody alone, and if you don't write that in the first place it's hard to fit one around the rhythm of the words. Like, if you use a three-syllable word like "disaster", then your melody more or less has to have three beats for that one word, and then if your next line or next verse doesn't have any three-syllable words or a group of two and one or three one syllables, then that rhythm doesn't repeat, and the whole structure falls apart.

It seems like you think a songwriter just writes words, but that's utter nonsense. That's a lyricist. And actual lyricists don't just write words to nothing, they write it to a melody, to a rhythm, to a communicable idea so that it is actually a song and not just a bad poem. You can sit and write lyrics all day, but unless these lyrics are part of a performable song, then they're not songs, and you're not a songwriter.
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User is suspended until 16/05/4760 03:38:29(UTC) stephaniewazhere  
#18 Posted : 05 December 2009 02:57:36(UTC)
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You are totally not getting what I'm saying , you brought up something that I already know and has nothing to do with what I'm talking about. The melody obviously has to be written, but that doesn't mean you can up with a sound, unless you use an instrument or like I said in my previous post. If you are an amateur at this then it is impossible for you to make a sound while you write. <-That's what I'm talking about. What you just wrote I already know.
Offline Gildermershina  
#19 Posted : 05 December 2009 03:45:47(UTC)
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stephaniewazhere wrote:
You are totally not getting what I'm saying , you brought up something that I already know and has nothing to do with what I'm talking about. The melody obviously has to be written, but that doesn't mean you can up with a sound, unless you use an instrument or like I said in my previous post. If you are an amateur at this then it is impossible for you to make a sound while you write. <-That's what I'm talking about. What you just wrote I already know.


In that case I have no idea what you're talking about. He said he was writing a song, you said he should just be writing words and to think about anything else at this point was a bad idea, I said that makes no sense, and now apparently it's all about not being able to make "a sound" if you are an amateur? What does that even mean? Anyone can hum a little tune, tap out a little beat with their fingers, and somebody with an instrument they've had for two weeks and knowledge of three chords can string those together. And that's almost exactly what I've been saying.
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User is suspended until 16/05/4760 03:38:29(UTC) stephaniewazhere  
#20 Posted : 05 December 2009 03:49:13(UTC)
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Gildermershina wrote:
stephaniewazhere wrote:
You are totally not getting what I'm saying , you brought up something that I already know and has nothing to do with what I'm talking about. The melody obviously has to be written, but that doesn't mean you can up with a sound, unless you use an instrument or like I said in my previous post. If you are an amateur at this then it is impossible for you to make a sound while you write. <-That's what I'm talking about. What you just wrote I already know.


In that case I have no idea what you're talking about. He said he was writing a song, you said he should just be writing words and to think about anything else at this point was a bad idea, I said that makes no sense, and now apparently it's all about not being able to make "a sound" if you are an amateur? What does that even mean? Anyone can hum a little tune, tap out a little beat with their fingers, and somebody with an instrument they've had for two weeks and knowledge of three chords can string those together. And that's almost exactly what I've been saying.


My apology I just read and I wasn't clear, even though replied to him I kind of meant my message in general not to him, I was just criticizing his lyrics and then it lead me to the amateur thing because f the rhyming. Like I said I already know what you are talking about, so its all blah.
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