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From Raven's secret box of hundreds of letters, which she has been writing since she was 19. Dear Nathan,
Going back to the hospital a day after coming out was strange .... I expected Jakey to be there, at home, with open arms, glad to see I'm alive .... but I went home to an empty house, and then came back. Joshy, Bikki and Freyja came with me (Joshy and Freyja had appointments as well, so it all worked out - we all get to see Jakey, plus I get some time alone with him as well). It's sad to be walking along with so much sadness. I'm a bulimic with a heart murmur and a pacemaker, pushing a burn victim with no sight in one eye and no use of his legs due to gangrene removing six toes, standing next to an anaemic epileptic with wires in her brain, who is carrying a child with "failure to thrive", and we're going to see a drug addict with leukaemia. Depressing much?
I said hi to Jakey and tried to hug him past the needles, hoping that nothing was magnetic and would get stuck to me .... except for Jakey. Joshy tried to get up and hug him too, but suddenly forgot about his feet and screamed to oblivion when he stood up and then fell down. A nurse had to come in and pick him up, and give him some painkillers. As usual, he's silly, but he means well. He jabbered on to Jakey quite a lot, and despite the fact that his feet must have been in terrible pain, he smiled the whole time. Jakey smiled too. Joshy has that way about him - he sparkles, and it's hard to be sad in his company.
Though Bikki's not great with these situations, and was kind of preoccupied, she gave Jakey a hug and asked how he was getting on. I held Freyja while she did and thought of the sperm freezing story - ha, we're OK for that, I had some banked in Baltimore, just in case I became a lesbian. (I didn't think I would, but you need to be prepared for every eventuality.) I held Freyja tightly, as if she was mine and Jakey's baby and I was about to become a single mother. It's strange, the thoughts that go through your head when you're trying to be prepared for every eventuality - including your husband slowly wasting away before your eyes.
When I was alone with Jakey .... I didn't know what to say. I felt like crying, but I didn't want to, because I didn't want him to have the same thoughts as me. Like Bikki dreams of Freyja dying before her time and wakes up screaming - I've started having the same nightmares about Jakey. We assumed I was going to die first, I'm 1. less healthy (or at least I thought I was) and 2. almost five years older, and thought that even I might manage a few more decades .... I never wanted to see him die, at least not at a young age. It's the scariest thought I've ever had - coming from me, considering what happened to you, that's really saying something.
I love Jakey so much. I've written many times that I wished you met him, now I'm hoping that you don't meet him for a long time.
Love, RC xxxEdited by user 31 March 2010 05:41:06(UTC)
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