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 "The last time I was alone, I learned how to consume alcohol. Now I'm alone and there's not a drop near me. It's infuriating. I hate being here, I hate rehab but no one would have left me alone had I not went. All I do is stare at this wall and dream this disease would go away from me. I would be cured and no one would speak of it again but even I knew life doesn't work that way. I truly hate myself. I was too weak and it was a problem. I know I am not the same woman I was when I came in here, I've changed. How? I think I've lost hope in myself. I used to believe I was grand and better than most people. I'm not, I'm just another one of those people. I built myself up and I still fell. That wasn't supposed to happen, I was supposed to beat this but I couldn't-I can't. I'm sick of having the same battle within myself every day. Should I leave and take my chances or should I stay to tear myself up some more?
I've started to think of Catharine again. I remember her more than my own mother. I dream of her because it was a simpler time. I smiled and laughed, I felt, I loved. I am definitely not that same girl anymore. I wonder what it's like to be happy? I feel it so rarely, I forget what it feels like. I stay here and the world continues to go on with itself. No one cares unless it hits them right? Who am I but some woman that sings and creeps some out? I had all these wishes and dreams. I hate wishes and dreams. There is just no room for me anymore. I've blown up into this monster and I can't fit into society right now. I have to stay here until I shrink back to myself. I don't even know who I am. I don't know how it got this far. I'm lying, I do. One sip and that was enough for me. It's just alcohol but what it does to me, I can't be around others. I become someone I never wanted to. I'm weak and helpless and a nuisance. I've never aimed to be any of those traits in life, I wanted to be the opposite. I climb from this hole over and over again but I just fall.
I feel like I'm back at the bottom again, no progress has been made. I have these thoughts of dying and I know all along, I've never been afraid to die. I'm just afraid for those around me. What becomes of them? Will they truly move on or will I cause them to fall into a dark place I'm in? Is it selfish of me to want that? To want someone, anyone to feel the fucking pain I've felt all my life? For someone to shed tears the way I have before falling asleep each night? To hate themselves like I hate myself? Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I've been mad at the wrong person for the wrong reasons. My heart carries such hate, it's so heavy. I can't think straight, I can't breath. I can't even speak to Jay anymore...I haven't in months. Did I cause this or is it his fault for putting hope into me? Why did I feel like he could help? Why does anyone think someone can help them? My fans, they frighten me. They put so much into me as if I can help them...I can't. I feel like each song I inhale their demons into my own, every show, every meet and greet, they leave something on my soul and I can't take it. They all want some celebrity, some musician, someone higher than them to put their worries and trust into. I wish they wouldn't. No one should trust me, I'm not that girl. I do not have hope.
My father gave up hope. He gave up hope in his wife, his child, himself, the world. Maybe I have to. I have no hope left in myself, my mother, the world but I have some for my father. He can't see it yet but he's better than he knows. I never hated him for leaving, I hated him for leaving me with her. I would have went with him, sleeping on the streets, in motels, in cars, anywhere. I love my father, I really have high hopes for him. After we met, we talked about everything. He seems to know what I'm like, what I feel. I cried on his shoulder, he consoled me. I placed all my hope in him for anything. I never believed in God but I prayed to him one night. I asked him to protect my father and to keep him in my life. My father committed suicide on May 3rd, 2013." |
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