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When erich met Erica.
Sept 21 2006
A young Erica hess is sitting at the bar in the stardust casino in Las Vegas. This time next month,the famous casino will have had its doors closed forever. But now? It is home to an underaged Japanese girl getting very drunk.
Erica: hey,can I get another one of....whatever this is? *she holds up her martini glass.*
Bartender who just started his shift: aren't you a little young? Lets see some Id .*raises an eyebrow*
Erica: *holds up a laminated card on a lanyard around her neck.* I'm with the convention. I left my passport in the room.
Bartender:*eying the card.* well, I guess you'd have to be of age to work for Nissan. Here you go. *slides a new martini to her.*
Erica: damn straight. *drinks her drink.*
A young man mills about beside the bar before approaching Erica. He is pompadoured and dressed in his later trademarked jeans and white t shirt.it is erich hess.
Erich: um...excuse me. I'm ...I sing for a band called the um,absinthe fiends. We're kinda doing a show tonight.*he hands her a flyer*
Erica:*takes the flyer and smirks* no thanks. I stopped listening to shitty punk rock after I got my period.
Erich: well.....I stopped listening to shitty periods after I got my punk rock!
Erica:your mom has a shitty period,literally.
Erich: ew.
Erica: yeah...that was pretty gross.*she pats the stool beside her* what's your name,sailor?
Erich:*looks around to ensure she is talking to him.hes had that happen before,and it was terribly embarrassing. He hops on the stool* I'm..erich. Erich hess.
Erica: Erich hess? You sound like a Gestapo agent. "Ve vant to ask you some questions." *laughs madly* buy a girl a drink?
Erich:um,I'm not old enough.
Erica:*sighs and pulls another lanyard out of her pocket then puts it around his neck.*there,you are now.
Erich:* looks at the thing around his neck* you're here for the convention?
Erica: yea. I'm here with my father. He runs a Nissan dealership in Osaka.
Erich:ooh. Japanese Nissan dealership. I'd give my toe for a chance to Drive a skyline.
Erica: by me a drink and I'll let you drive my r32..maybe.*she giggles*
Erich: I am also broke.
Erica: you are so pathetic! No wonder you are single.
Erich: I am not single!
Erica: are too. You could barely speak to me.
Erich: I was sick!
Erica: in the head maybe. Don't worry,the drinks are comped. *she holds up her card* bartender! More drinks.
The bartender comes over with a new drink for Erica and narrows his eyes at erich
Bartender: ok. "Mr shogo" *reading Erich's lanyard sarcastically*
Erica: hey! You don't make fun of shogo! Just because he isn't all *pulls the skin around her eyes to narrow them and starts speaking in an exaggerated accent* does not make him less japanese,you racist fuck!
Bartender:sorry,ma'am. *brings two more Martinis.*
Erica:*taps his glass with hers.* I am hitomi kobayashi.
Erich: a nice Irish name. *laughs*
Erica: on me mothers side!*she gives a poor imitation of an Irish accent.* what about you? You don't seem sleazy enough to be from around here. You haven't glanced at my boobs once.
Erich: well,if you insist. *gawks at her *
Erica: ok,stop! I think you just impregnanted me!
Erich: I'm from Florida. My band and I are here in Vegas trying to get some gigs together.
Erica:Florida...I am so sorry,erich. I guess you lost your virginity to your sister,right! *she giggles*
Erich: no,it was the sheep!
Erica: ew,I'd rather it have been your sister!
Erich: funny,the sheep thought the same thing.
Erica:*giggles and puts her head on his shoulder* ugh, I think I've had enough alcohol for the night.i feel spinny...hey,you're in a band,you got any weed?
Erich:*shakes his head* nah.
Erica: *whispers in his ear* you aren't holding out on me,are you? I will totally put my hands in your pockets.
Erich: well...maybe.*smirks*
Erica: lets see. * rummages in Erich's pockets.*
Erich:*lets out a shriek that is head over the din of the Casino* there is nothing there!
Erica: tell me about it. *she giggles dirtily*
Erich:hey! I'm a grower,not a shower!
Erica: if I had yen for everytime Ive heard THAT. In a band and no weed? You ARE pathetic!
Erich: well,I do have some acid I got from this guy.
Erica: *lights up* ooh,now THAT sounds fun,I've never tried it before. Come on, i have a room in the hotel.
Erich: fuck that. I can get unlimited free drinks?im staying right here.*orders another drink.*
Erica: I thought you American boys went crazy for Japanese girls?
Erich:*shrugs and guzzles his drink,promptly ordering another*
Erica: oh,you have a girlfriend and I'm making you feel uncomfortable?
Erich: no!
Erica: no girlfriend,huh? So you play drums in your band?
Erich: no. I sing and play guitar.
Erica: you are pathetic! You should have panties thrown T you every night....unless....*she grabs Erich's...area*
Erich:*screeches and jumps up,causing he and erica to fall on the floor.*
Erica*laughing while rolling on the floor* I knew it! You are a virgin!
Erich:*drunkenly slogging the remainder of his drink down* say it a bit louder,I don't think the people in the casino next door heard you
Erica: aw,it is cute. Now about that acid?
Erich: it's in the car.
Erica:*gets up and helps erich to his feet* lets get it then!
Erich and Erica make their way through the casino,randomly picking up people's drinks along the way. By the time they reach the valet,they are beyond shitfaced.
Erich:*pats his pockets* shit! I lost the ticket.
Valet guy: it's ok,I remember your face. *scurries off to get Erich's car*
Erica: *sits on the curb,looking up at erich* I bet you drive a shitbox Honda,huh?
Erich: no! There is nothing rock and roll about a Honda.
Seconds later the valet guy pulls around a faded,red,mid 70s Chevy caprice convertible. Erich tips the guy and hops in,dukes of hazzard style. He then hops out and opens the door for Erica
Erica:such a gentle man....eventually.*she giggles.* now about that acid?
Erich: in the glove box.
Erica opens it and takes out two hits. She places one on her tongue then kisses erich. He nearly swerves off the road. She then puts a hit on her own tongue.
Erich: what was that?!
Erica: it's called a kiss. Surely you have heard of it? *she takes a pair of yellow aviators out of the glove box* nice!
Erich: it's safe to say I have a thing for raoul duke.*gestures to the car*
Erica: I do too. "A half hour,it was going to be very close." *she laughs madly* Why are we driving? I have a room at the stardust.
Erich: oh yeah. Besides,driving on acid is hard.
He circles back to the stardust and the two go to Erica's room. A high roller penthouse. Overly Vegas and slightly more camp than sigfried and Roy.inside erich takes up residence on one of the recliners,while Erica jumps from one couch to the other and yelling "sproing!" With each jump.
Erica: pour us some drinks,man. Quit being lazy.
Erich:it's your pad,you are supposed to be offering the drinks.
Erica: my pad? Ew. I use tampons ,you sick bastard. *she quits jumping and retrieves a bottle of whiskey from the room's bar* come drink with me, I think this acid is a rip off..
Erica nods towards the bedroom. Not for any nefarious reason,she hates drinking by windows. That's how people get assassinated. They both sit on the bed and pass the bottle a few times. Ten minutes pass and the acid kicks in.
Erich: damn,this bottle is like,osmosis and shit to my hand. I can taste it from my fingers.
Erica:*opens her mouth*just pour it in. I think I can get pregnant through osmosis. We shouldn't touch.
Erich: that's how Mary did the virgin birth thing. Osmosis!
Erica : no way. She took it up the ass and the Stuff dribbled into the baby factory.
Erich: brilliant! You blew the case wide open.
Erica: when you run a baby factory,you gotta know these things. Or else you get bootleg babies from china.
Erich: if I got a bootleg baby,I'd send that fucker back.it would probably be a shaved puppy I something.
Erica:shaved pussy?! You can see through clothes?! *she tries covering herself with her hands.* don't look at me,you Pervy Pete!
Erich:*turns away,yet concentrating on Erica's reflection in the mirror.* I swear I can't see through clothes!
Erica: yes you can!
Erich: wow...maybe I can. *blushes*
Erica: hey! No fair! Remove your pants,now!
Erich: no!
Erica: oh come on. Quit being a baby.
Minutes pass and pants are removed,from both parties. Drunk,naked,tripping teenagers only equal one thing. Sexy time! Erica and erich are....you know.
Erica: holy hell,I am never fucking without acid again.....um...do you see bob Ross in the corner?
Erich:*looks up from Erica,and indeed sees bob ross* it's kinda sweet he is painting this moment.
Erica: he gave me big hooters too. Thanks,bob!
Bob Ross: you're Welcome,little friends.
Erica:* hops off of erich. * he speaks!
Erich:*pulls her back onto him* he'll see my willy, you must let me hide it inside you.
Erica: yes, I know just the place!
Bob Ross: oh it's nothing I haven't seen before. How at you guys doing?
Erica:...um...fine?
Erich:....I'm ok...you?
Bob Ross: oh I am just dandy...looks like I need a little blue here. Oh darn!well, as I say...only happy accidents.
Erica: bob,I like you and all. I really do. But do you mind? I am really trying to...you know.
Bob Ross: don't mind me. I'm just painting. I do love painting. When you paint,you can create you own little world. I like that.
Erich: bob,you still have that let squirrel?
Erica: don't encourage him!
Bob: I sure do,erich. He likes when I feed him sunflower seeds.
Erica: speaking of feeding,mr Ross. I am trying to feed my kitty. It is hungry and needs to eat!
Bob Ross: I can help,if you want. I have a whole pocket of sunflower seeds.
Erica:no! I'm fine. Just continue painting,we'll pretend you aren't here.
Bob Ross: I'm almost done. I just need to sign my work. Oh and I need to tell you both something very important. Hitomi and erich, you two must always......
Curtain falls and time passes. One weird acid fueled night later. Erica and Erich are walking down the street,arm in arm. Their mutual bob Ross hallucination has bonded them for life.they don't remember what he said to them,but they remember it was profound. They are waking by a Vegas chapel.
Erich: we should get married!
Erica: why? Marriage is for squares.
Erich: think about it,we pretend to be offended when people hit on us. Then we can say," I'm a married man!" Or "woman" in your case.
Erica: a bit far for a joke,don't you think?...lets do it! |
"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones. |
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