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Offline erich hess  
#5861 Posted : 15 August 2015 01:23:41(UTC)
erich hess
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The duke of Winchester had been at sea for several days.in just a few days the antique cruise liner made it from England to the middle of the Bermuda triangle. It involves quantum physics and really would require a scientist to explain. All you need to know is: it works and the Hess clan is There.

The seas are a little rough but it's a nice day otherwise. Like most expeditions of the Hess clan, it's a glorified booze cruise. We join Erica on the lido deck,already in progress.

The duke of winchester's lido deck is much like the rest of the ship: once elegant,now looking more like a horror movie set. The pool has many chipped or missing tiles and the teak deck is sunbleached and peeling up in places. Erica laying face down on a deck chair.her head spinning from copious amounts of alcohol and freshly inhaled weed. After a few moments,she is distinctly aware of someone standing over her.

" We doing whippets again? I think the last round froze my throat and I'm going to die!" Erica groans while making a burbling sound. She rolls over ,expecting to see Nina. But is surprised to see a pretty blonde woman standing over her.


" gah! Who the fuck are you?!" they both exclaim, jumping backwards from each other.

" ...this....isn't my closet.oh my God! Its the boat!" the blonde woman says,aghast. She holds the rail to keep from collapsing to the ground. She screams when her hand touches the rail." holy shit...it's real." She says with a cringe.

Erica scoots away from the woman in a panic. She holds her shoe out like a weapon. " go on! Get out of here, you hooligan! We don't want your kind around here! Materializing on innocent people's ships. Go on then,off with you!" Erica says,trying to appear less drunk and high than she is.

The woman puts her hand to her mouth in amazement." I know you..you're hitomi kobayashi." She quietly says. " that must mean you're-"

Erica unconsciously nods at her name. She then looks at the woman and gives an impish smile. " well, you know what happens in the triangle,stays in the triangle." she interrupts suggestively . if this was a hallucination, no harm in having a little fun. Besides,Nichole had been camping for a really long time.

"My mother." takara says deadpanly. She shakes her head at her mother acting just how She imagined she would be. She quietly sits on an all too familIar deck chair beside her mother. "How ...why am I here?"

Erica palms her own face. She just propositioned her own daughter for sex. "Uhh...let's never speak of what I just said.ever EVER again." she says ,wanting to curl up and die. Now looking at the woman,she could see the resemblance to the baby she knew."....Takara?" she says before hugging her tightly.

Takara screams as she is touched and shoves Erica away. " you...you died 8 years ago. I saw you! " she says in horror. " I was there when you were cremated."

Now it's erica's turn to be horrified.she looks around and sees only open ocean. The once normal sight suddenly seems very surreal. She can't see or hear anyone else on the ship. Did she die? Is this endless nothing really the afterlife? She felt her own face. It still felt normal. " but I can't be dead.I was alive last time I checked. And the last time I saw you, you were a baby."

Takara looks around and gently pokes Erica on the arm. She felt warm and real as she always had. " yeah...I was alive before this too. You weren't. But you seem to be now...." takara trails off and tries to take this all in.

Erica smiles at her daughter.it filled her with happiness to know what takara would sound and look like. Years before she grew up." so....how...do I die and when?" Erica asks takara.it's was the only logical thing Erica could say in a rather illogical situation.

Takara looks out over the ocean and swallows hard before speaking. " March 22nd. 2036. You killed yourself and didn't even leave a fucking note." she spats. " you were too God damned vain to have a mastectomy or do chemo , so you shot an e overdose of heroin. You left me because you're stupid and your fucking pride. so yeah. Good show.you are an overly vain bitch who is remembered dying a junkies death. That's what I am left to pick up the pieces of.how could you do that to everyone? To me?! Why would you? Maybe now you'll know why I always despised you. It was always about you. " takara yells. Finally getting to express the words she had mentally screamed at the open air counties times.

Erica gasps when the previously timid and fearful takara switches gears. She couldn't deny that her daughters words did sound exactly like something she would do. Deep down ,Erica was vain. She played it like a joke for the most part,but most jokes do have a kernel of truth. Going out through overdose would fit her personality. Most other ways were too messy and she didn't want to be found like that. It cut her to the core to hear the words that would eventually come from her daughter's mouth: I despised you. takara was the one thing Erica assumed she was doing right. It ends up she doesn't even do that correctly. "I...I'm sorry." She says weakly. What could she say?

" story of your fucking life" takara says with a shake of her head. " sorry only works so many times. In the end? Only erich really mourned you.. Everyone else tired of your shit and cut ties.you died with the only person you ever truly loved. You." takara bitterly says. She wasn't sure if this was real or not. But if it was real? She was finally going to give her mother a piece of her mind.

" oh, taki-chin. " Erica softly says, her heart breaking to see her daughter like this. Even if she was much older than the takara she actually knew , it was still her.

" don't call me that. I changed my name to Svetlana dobros after you died." takara closes her eyes tightly. She wanted nothing to do with her mother after the suicide. It had been 8 years,' and She still wasn't really over it.

Erica clenched her fists tightly. This was quickly becoming her worst nightmare . Erica was positive she had learned what her pride could do to people. Everything she did now,she did for takara. She took the hosting gig in hopes of kicking off a tv personality career. If only to further insure takara would have a legacy to live off of. She didn't want her daughter to want for anything ....and here she was telling her that she abandoned her. " tak.....Svetlana,please let me make it up to you. You are here now, I'm here. Please. " Erica pleads.

" fuck you. Its no wonder mom hates you." Takara sneers, getting up to stand by the rail. Far from Erica. It some ways,it was a relief to finally be able to speak to Erica. She had bottled it In for a long time. That's the kobayashi way. Hold it in until it bursts out in wrathful and holy vengeance.

Ooc: continued later.


Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
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Offline erich hess  
#5862 Posted : 05 February 2016 03:04:01(UTC)
erich hess
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Chloe powers down the duke's self navigation and docking system. She gives it a satisfied nod and skips down the hall to meet the rest of the harlots. The duke has recently went through it's third renovation since being under the stewardship of the Hess clan. it still looks like early 60's las Vegas,but the neon lights actually function now.

She meets up with the Nina and Erica.they are waiting for the cargo ramp to lower. Chloe sneaks up and slaps them both on the ass simultaneously.

Chloe: morning,bitches!
Nina:*squeaks in surprise and slaps chloe's butt in return.*

Erica: oooh,do it harder. But with a vibrator.

Chloe: ew. I'm trying to be cute and you have to turn it into some dark carnival of the soul.

Erica: I hardly think a little toy action among friends is....well whatever high school goth term you just used.

Nina: do I have to get a water hose after you two? Because I will. Don't you forget it,loves.

Erica and Chloe: no thanks. We're wet enough.

Nina: eww and here I smacked your bum. I think I need some sanitizer.

The ladies step off the ramp and start walking the streets of San Francisco. Its sunny, but still rather cold.

Erica: where are we going anyway? Its freezing and you know how I feel about yuppies and hippies.

Nina: but you blend in so well With them,love. Think we could catch a Dave Matthews show while we are here?

Erica: fuck you! I borrowed this out fit from you.

Chloe: besides,I don't think they are touring out here.

Erica: how do you even know that?!

Nina: I withdraw my smacking of your bum and trade it for your face. * Nina then slightly. Slaps Chloe.*

Chloe: ow! Its cold so that hurt!

Erica: not as much as you've hurt our hearts. Answer the question,Chloe.

Chloe: fine! The guy I buy weed from solely deals out of Dave Matthews band tour parking lots!

Erica: *begins spitting and putting hand sanitizer on her tongue*

Nina:* instantly dumps her purse on the ground.she kicks around the contents until she finds her id and credit card.* fuck the rest,love. It touched the tainted weed. I'll get New cash

Chloe: it's not that big a deal! *Chloe bends down to pick up the money that Nina discarded.*

nina: * steps on chloe's hand with her heel* if you value your hand,you'll let it go. That money is not for the likes of us. Not anymore.

Erica: how could you,Chloe?! Don't you know that weed absorbs jam band rays like a fucking sponge?! We're lucky we aren't playing hackey sack right now!

Nina: my parents saw a grateful dead show in 1970...look how they turned out. I won't have it happen to us,love.I won't.

Chloe: that's well and good...but can I please have my hand back?

Erica: I don't know if you deserve hand privileges.you're playing with fire and almost took us all with you.

Nina: you better throw all that shit away when we get back to the ship.* slowly releases chloe's hand*

Chloe: it was five thousand dollars!!!

Erica: yeah.in Dave Matthews band money. That's like a quarter in real people money.

Chloe: I don't that's how it works.

Erica: that's how your mom doesn't work!

Nina: be gone,Chloe. You've got weed to destroy and we've got places to go.

Chloe: fine...I didn't want to go anyway. It sucks out here. *leaves*

Nina: and don't smoke it!


Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
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Offline erich hess  
#5863 Posted : 13 February 2016 02:43:38(UTC)
erich hess
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Ooc: doesn't take place on the duke.but I hAve no idea how long this will go and don't want to lose it.

mariko's house

Mariko wiggled her toes in the contentment That came with a warm house In winter.her old house was a post war build. Very cheaply put up and drafty. All the Windows let air in it seemed. But music had been good to her lately. She hadn't been active with releases,but her live shows and ad work brought in yen by the shiploads. So Much so that she had purchased a New house,Newly built and to her specification. It wasn't the sprawling palace that her sister owned,but was nearby. (If Mariko stood on her roof,she could see hitomi's house.) mariko's house wouldn't be such a monstrosity anyway. Her sister was very Much the flashy one. The one who demanded to be the center of attention. Mariko loved that too,to an extent. But didn't thrive off envy like hitomi did.

Mariko sat at a little table and looked out the window. It was late so there wasn't a lot going on outside.the neighborhood was mostly populated by retired people. People who certainly weren't coming and going all the time. She studied her reflection in the glass. Her hair was drawn up in a bun with two long strands of hair framing her face. She was happier than she has been in a long time.even the rain Making little circles in the puddles on the road couldn't bring her down.

Vara stared out the window of the cab. The window had fingerprints on it. This irritated her. But didn't irritate her enough that she was going To do anything about it. The bright lights of Osaka were half eyesore and half beautiful. She hadn't wanted to come here at all. She had pride and had wanted Mariko to come to her...or even return Her calls. She also didn't want to look like a stalker and travel across the world just to see her.but here she was all the same. The first place she had stopped was the house she remembered Mariko having. It was always kind of a creepy looking and feeling place. The kind of place a good Japanese horror film would be set In. But when she got there? The house looked like it had been empty for months. This only added to the creepiness and had made vara glad the cab waited.

Vara easily could have purchased a plane ticket back home. But she hated to admit defeat. She'd rather pay the driver to aimlessly drive around. " just drive somewhere. Anywhere. I don't care." she ordered .the short and squat man grumbled as he merged back into traffic. There was only so much ogling of this woman's barely covered breasts he could take. He was getting bored and was starting to suspect she was a stripper who was going to stiff him on the fare.

the car meandered down the still packed streets. occasionally stopping so the driver could scold a rude pedestrian.vara lightly pinched her bottom lip with her teeth. she hadnt planned on this at all. she assumed mariko still lived in the same spot and would be home. through some creative social media stalking,she knew that mariko was at least in japan. understandably,she seemed to have left italy in a hurry.all of her belongs were still in the house in prato. she ran a hand through her long black hair in frustration. this was a stupid idea with stupid results. why did she even entertain such an outlandish idea? finally the driver spoke up.

" i take it you are looking for someone?" he asked vara,making eye contact through the rear mirror. vara was glad he spoke english. because her japanese was rusty at best...and its not like any phrase she knew was proper to say to this man anyway.

"yes." vara said with annoyance. she wasnt annoyed at the man per se. she was annoyed that he was drawing attention to her stupid plan.

"who?" the cabe driver asked with the tone that implied he knew everyone in osaka. of course,being a cab driver,its possible he did.he slowed the car and pulled into a public lot. he was tired of just driving. it was surprisingly hard to just drive without a destination.

"mariko kobayahsi" vara utters while looking out the window. the bricks of the building beside them were intriguing. there was a bit of graffiti that piqued her curiosity. she wondered if it was someone's name of some crude phrase. "hell.i would even settle for her sister,erica.he...er,hitomi". having heard mariko use the term so many times,she had also taken to calling erica hess by her real name.it had a certain familiarity that vara liked.

"oh!" the driver said sharply and with the excitement that only comes when some extra money is to be made. he didnt know much of mariko,but the sister...the sister had a tourism business in and of herself."i can give you the grand tour,my dear. i can take you to the plot of land where the murder happened. its now just a park. but they say on nights like this,you can sometimes see the ghost of a tall,blonde woman. then,we will drive by the house where erica hess lives now. if we are lucky,maybe we will catch a glimpse of her?" he offers with a raised eyebrow. he had made enough to purchase a second car by offering this tour. it was immensely popular. he wasnt the only taxi driver to offer it. but he felt he was the best at it.

vara frowned in disgust that this man would think she would be interested in such a thing.yet,the second part sounded promising. "the second one. i want to see the house where erica lives." she spoke at the driver. Vara wasn't rude,she just felt highly disrespected that he thought she would want to see a murder scene.

" well you know... It is a long way away. Nearly all the way across town and you already owe so much." he said in an overly tired voice. He'd worked this angle many times. Make the tourist pay their normal fare,then do the tour off the books. Pure profit.

"Whatever. Lets just go." vara said,finally turning to the driver.she had no idea what Japanese money was worth,so she just gave him all that she had. A good handful should be enough for just about anything.

The driver's eyes gleamed at the fistful of money handed to him. The silly woman gave him 20,000 yen over. His normal tour was only about 1000. " well,ok!" he grinned,turning off the meter. " you see,Erica Hess lives in one of the most exclusive neighborhoods in town. Her home was built in 1843 by famed architect hir-"

" I don't care. I'm a visual person. I want the house to speak for itself." vara said as sweetly as she could. She wanted to tell the man they she couldn't care less about it's history. She rearranged her hair and dress.she was dropping in unannounced and at a late hour. She didn't want to look crazier than she already felt.

The driver shrugged and put on his turn signal.no speaking? This tour just got a lot easier. The car drives down the road not more than 3 minutes before the familiar house came into view. It was literally right around the corner. " Erica hess's house." He announced as enthusiastically as he could. Maybe he could still get some money out of this woman.

Wordless,Vara exits the car as it stops. All the way across town? The little sneak knew what he was doing and didn't deserve her to speak before departing. Vara walks up to the front gate of the house and presses the button. She looks at the wood of the gate. It was rather odd to see such an old looking house in the middle of urban sprawl. But it was a beautiful house. Maybe she should have listened to the drivers story.

Moments after the button was pressed,the speaker crackled to life. It was female,and yelling something in Japanese. Some thing unpleasant sounding. "Umm..pardon me?. Its Vara...Vara Gallo?" Vara replied to the speaker. Getting more and more pissed that she was getting rained on.

Erica had been taking a bath when the phone rang.again. she had been having kids run by and press the button all evening. By the time Vara hit the button,Erica was mad as Hell. " stop.ringing.my.fucking.bell. you god Damn adopted bastard!" she sneered. In Japanese into the phone. Takara was in bed and this was Erica time. She hated being disturbed during Erica time. When she heard Vara's name,Erica jumped out of her bath. Vara? The same Vara that fucked her sister over?! "Stay right there. I'm coming out." Erica tells Vara over the phone. Erica wraps her robe around her body and pads her way through the house. She grabs a ponytail tie as she moves through the house.without breaking stride,she puts her hair up. She was going to deck this bitch as soon as she got close enough.with a happy little skip she exits her house and waits for the gate to open. If there was one thing Erica liked,it was revenge.

Vara could see Erica bounding down the walkway. There was no way that Erica was happy to see her. That pace could only mean one thing. " stop." Vara said while wringing her hands. This angry little woman was really the last hope she had. " I just need to see Mariko. Look,I traveled across the globe. Rode With a creepy taxi driver. I'm standing in the rain!" she screeches,flinging her arms in desperation. " I've called. I've messaged...I finally had to just come here."

Erica did stop in her tracks.it was sort of a natural thing to do when someone said stop.Erica was already wet from the bath,so she didn't even notice it was raining. She did enjoying knowing that Vara was getting rained on. " so why are you here? MAriko doesn't live here. Or did you forget that,like you forgot about her?" Erica asks with crossed arms.

Vara bites her lip. She had a few words for Erica. But she needed her help. So It probably was best not to tell her to mind her own. Vara looks up and lets the rain hit her face. " hitomi,please. Just tell me where she is." Vara sighs as her head levels again.

Erica looks Vara over for a little while. This was the last person she expected to see. Frankly,she was a little jealous that Vara looked for Mariko while Nicole just seemed to vanish. " where did you go?" Erica asks matter of factly.

Vara looks Erica in her eyes and simply says, " that's between Mariko and I.if I end up going back home tomorrow,she can tell you if she wishes. Where does she live?" Vara almost pleads.

"One moment" Erica says before turning on her heels and going back inside the house.

Vara stands in the rain after Erica leaves. The more and more time that passes,she is thinking That Erica left and wants to see just how long she will stand in the rain. Vara leans against the gate.the rough wood hurting her arm. Finally Erica emerges under an umbrella with a phone tucked under her arm.

Inside,Erica had phoned Mariko and told her what was up.Erica wanted to know if Mariko was ok with Vara knowing where she lived and if She would see her.Mariko wasn't too pleased with the idea,but did finally agree. After much persuasion by Erica. Erica could appreciate the effort Vara had put in. It would be cruel to tell Her to leave....but Erica did want her to stand in the rain. It was what she deserved. "Ok. Mariko will see you.four houses down,make a left and her house is on that street. She will be standing in the doorway." Erica says emotionless. She didn't like this,but didn't want to get in the way. She had learned from the kai/honor/faith debacle thAt she shouldn't try to help. Things will work out without her. " take my umbrella. You look like shit." Erica lied. Far be It from Erica to check out her sister's ex...but she was only human.

Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
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Offline erich hess  
#5864 Posted : 17 February 2016 03:14:14(UTC)
erich hess
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Vara took the umbrella and turned to walk down the street. " thanks" she said as soon as her back was turned. Mentally adding bitch to the end of that one word sentence. Vara walked slowly down the street,not even bothering to avoid walking in puddles. Her shoes were already ruined,what was the point in trying to save them? The street seemed deserted and far darker than it should be. Osaka was safe,right? At least safe enough that a lone woman can walk down a street at 3 am,right? The further Vara got from Erica's gate, the more frightened she became. Only Mariko and Erica knew she was here. If she was murdered,would Erica or mariko report her missing? Vara walked a little faster,clinging onto the umbrella . she swore that her echoing footsteps belonged to someone else. Rationally,she knew this was unlikely. a quick glance over her shoulder confirmed that. But with the rollercoaster her emotions were on made it seem very possible . finally she dropped the umbrella and started to run at full tilt. She could see the silhouette of someone standing in a lit doorway. Vara redoubled her efforts to escape her fear.

Mariko absent mindedly let her hand lower the phone. Hearing hitomi tell her thAt Vara was here.here in Japan and wanting to see her....it Made her want to vomit. It was such a whirlwind of emotion,the feeling of wanting to vomit was all Mariko could think of. Didn't Mariko make it clear enough when she didn't return Vara's calls? Vera left her. Not the other way around.whatever could she want to discuss? Hitomi asked if she wanted her to send Vara away. But Mariko's lust for vengeAnce welled up. Now She wanted to speak to Vara face to face. She wanted Vara to see she was no longer needed. Mariko was just fine without her and wasn't the timid rabbit she once was. Being with Vara had been vital to Mariko getting her confidence back . being without her had made Mariko find her self worth. She gently opened the door and casually leaned against the door frame. The smell of rain was something Mariko loved. Even with all the concrete,it still managed to cArry a hint of grass scent. If it wasn't so cold,MAriko would have had her Windows open. She would loved to have her house smell like that. She was so lost in her thoughts of rain and how it smelled,she didn't notice that Vara had ran up to her.

"Thank god. I think ..I think someone ..was after me." Vara pants as she catches her breath. Vara wasn't in bad shape,but she wasn't expecting a late night run,either. She bends over,putting her hands on her knees. It seemed counter productive to catching her breath,but it felt better on her stomach. Before setting off on her adventure,she had had quite a heavy dinner.it was horrible,but filled her up. The Japanese take on veal parmesan was less than stellar. But...it did weigh like a ton of bricks.

" in this neighborhood? I seriously doubt it." Mariko said flatly. It was surreal to see Vara standing,well doubled over in front of her. It was like seeing Mickey mouse,but it wasn't a Man in a suit. It was an actual humanoid mouse. Soon though, mariko's anger overwhelmed the shock of seeing Vara. " where did you go?" Mariko shouts at Vara, her hands clenched at her sides. Her voice carries so much that lights start coming on in the neighboring houses. mariko didnt care. let the whole world see. she had loved and trusted this woman. this woman who seemed to have just dropped her like a bad habit.

Vara jumps when Mariko shouts. It was some thing she obviously thought would happen.but expectations and reality rarely cross. "mariko,can we please go inside? its wet out here and i really dont want your neighbors knowing our business." vara says evenly,motioning inside. she really didnt want mariko to be seen as "that woman with the drama" by her neighbors. no matter what happened between them. loud neighbors who fight are rarely forgotten and always made fun of.

"there is no "our" buisness! there is just "your" bullshit!" mariko hisses.even as livid as she was,she had to admit vara had a point. her neighbors were long in bed by now and police being called would just look really bad. like those tvs shows in america with the cops. "fine." mariko snaps,stepping aside for vara to enter her house. "take off your shoes and try not to drip all over everything."

vara couldnt help but raise an eyebrow at mariko. when she first met mariko,she was quiet and shy. at least to vara. the more she got to know mariko,she learned this wasnt exactly the case. she just needed a little coaxing to come out of her shell. now,vara would almost have liked to put mariko back in the shell. long before there was any sort of relationship between the two of them,mariko was her friend. her closest friend actually. this who who vara needed now. not the spurned lover mariko. vara wasnt going to fight mariko. she had done mariko wrong and knew it. it would be stupid to put up a fight about it. so vara timidly stepped into mariko's house after removing her shoes. the house was relatively small. it was very tall,at three stories,but not very deep. but it was tastefully decorated and exactly what one expected when thinking of modern japan. a far cry from the cold and empty house mariko once lived in. aside from peaches and liquor,there wasnt any food in her old house. "may i?" vara asks before motioning to the sofa. she could tell mariko was very territorial over the house.

mariko narrowed her eyes at vara. she didnt want to have her wet ass on the nice furniture. " bathroom is 2 doors down. i have a fresh robe in there. its fuffy and warm." mariko tells vara with slightly less attitude. who knows what vara had to say,or why she was here. but mariko warmed a little bit to the idea of treating her like a human. there was nothing the woman could say that would make her forget that she had just dropped off the face of the earth for months. mariko sat on a pillow on the floor . it was a very comfy pillow that was far better than any chair she owned. it could just be how mariko was raised. she enjoyed sitting the floor far more than on furniture. sadly,most floors were not clean enough for her to do this.

vara followed mariko's directions and stepped into the tiny bathroom. it smelled of something mixed with cucumbers. lilac? vara let her eyes scan the room. it was mostly white with black sinks and toilet. vara assumed the bathtub or shower was in some other room. because there was none here. which kind of made it odd that there would be a robe in here. vara let the straps of her dress fall off her shoulders and soon the dress was on the floor. looking at herself in the mirror,hitomi was right. she did look like hell. her hair was kind of frizzy,yet plastered to her head. ugh. vara took off and crumpled her underthings up in her dress and put the whole business in the sink. she would ask about laundry facitlites later. the robe she found was fluffy. putting it on,vara almost moaned at the pleasure of it. she had been so cold,it was like slipping into hot jello. before wrapping it around her,she held the neck area to her face. it smelled like mariko. a smell she had missed so badly. she was keeping this robe. fuck whatever happens. being slightly shorter and less...blessed in the hips and bust area,this robe ended up being very...scant. "jesus" vara complains while looking in the mirror. any other time,she would have loved to have had this on. "um...mariko? do you have a blanket? your robe doesnt fit so well." vara winces. she really didnt want to have to ask more of mariko than she had to. but she didnt want to look like she was trying to seduce her ex either.

mariko taps her foot at how long vara is taking. she wanted to get this over and done with. she hated the idea of vara in her house. this was her sanctuary. nothing was supposed to upset her here. yet something was upsetting her and it was putting on her robe right now. and probably rummaging through her medicine cabinet.mariko hears vara's call for a blanket so she gets one out of a closet. it was a heavy,yet very warm one. it was actually mariko's favorite. she used it for when she was napping on the sofa or to wrap up in after a shower. she folded it neatly and placed it on the sofa. she couldnt help but notice how small her sofa was compared to the one they had in italy. the one in italy could seat like 6 people and nearly swallowed people up. this one was lucky to fit three and was very low to the ground. " ok,vara. there is a blanket out here." mariko calls to vara. feeling they were going to need it,mariko takes out a bottle of jack daniels for them. she places it and two glasses on the table. she had no idea where vara and been or if she wanted to drink after her. the more mariko thought about it,but more her heart sank. there had to be someone else. someone else that vara was enthralled by and left her for. things were going so well and POOF! vara just left her.

vara comes out of the bathroom and nearly dives into the blanket. never before had vara ever felt conscious about her body. if anything,it was rare for her NOT To show it off. it was a strange feeling indeed. she put the blanket around her and settled into the sofa.it could be a very long night indeed. her eyes linger on the bottle in front of her. she would have loved to have had a drink right now,but she wanted this conversation to be as sober as it could be. vara was silent for a few seconds,pondering how to start,what would be the easiest way to say what she had to say. "mariko. i know you are probably hate me and im not going to say you dont have the right. but..try to understand. i couldnt take you with me,or even tell you where i was going. " vara starts. she knew it sounded horrible,but maybe it would get better as she let it all out. "i had gotten word that trent was a around-"

mariko's eyes,which previously were looking everywhere but vara,suddenly locked on to her. the mention of trent's name sank mariko's heart. trent was vara's ex boyfriend. a boyfriend she loved very much.a boy friend who mariko had assumed vara was going to be with forever. but several years ago,trent had up and left vara. during this time mariko had either been with envy or nina. so it wasnt like vara went right to mariko after the relationship dissolved. mariko had felt special. she felt like she had been wanted vara had wanted. not what she was settling for because trent left her. " you fucking..fucking fuck" mariko yells accusingly,jumping to her feet. she wanted vara gone and gone now.she was so furious,she couldnt even think of what she wanted to call vara.

vara stood up too,not caring how short the robe was. "mariko. would you let me finish! its not what you think. thats not why i left to try and find him. calm your tits and sit down." vara hated having to get stern with mariko,but it was really the only way she would be able to tell what she needed to say. " i was told he was in canada again. i had to see him. i wanted answers. i had to know why he just left me. i wanted him to know how he hurt me and what he left. could i just be like,hey mariko? you wanna go see my ex? no. that would be absurd." vara said while pacing around. her thoughts seemed to flow better when she was standing. plus the motion of walking helped burn off some of the energy she had.

mariko wasnt going to sit down just because vara told her to. she looked around for something to grab. if she clenched her fist any harder,her nails would cut into her palm. she couldnt find anything that wasnt something she could live with breaking,so she settled on standing on the pillow. mariko shook her head at was possibly the stupidest thing she had ever heard. "you could have fucking asked me! but no. you went and did the same thing to me,that trent did to you! all you had to do was tell me. i would have at least tried to understand.you didnt give me that chance." mariko says,gradually losing the fire she had inside her. she wasnt angry anymore. she was hurt.

vara knew mariko was right. she had done the exact same thing trent had done. but in her mind,it wasnt going to be for months,it was just supposed to be a day trip. " i wasnt supposed to be gone that long. i went to one town he was supposed to be in,but wasnt. that lead me to another town and before i knew it.months had passed." vara said in exhaustion,as if all those months of searching had finally caught up with her. "i was obsessed with revenge. im sorry. i just couldnt help it." vara said pathetically. she knew that mariko knew her well and would probably understand. thats just how vara could be. if she didnt like someone,she wanted them to KNOW she didnt like them. in the end,she never found trent. just some guys that were using the shadowmachine name. most likely illegally. she didnt recognize any of them and none of them knew where to find trent.

mariko crosses her arms. she had really heard enough." well, i hope it was worth it." mariko bitterly says,gesturing towards the door. she could figure out the rest. vara obviously didnt find trent,so she came crawling back here. she always knew that vara still held on to something for trent. things in italy had been too good to be true. "i probably could have saved you a trip to japan,if i checked the messages you left." she says with an indifferent shrug. vara knew how mariko felt when people ignored her,yet she treated her just like everyone else did.

vara pursed her lips. she hated spilling her stupidest mistake to anyone. much less someone who then rejects her afterwards. she starts to leave but stops before reaching the door. she travelled all the way to japan. dealt with a cruddy cab,mariko's sister,gotten rained on....there was no way she was going down without a fight. "yes. it was stupid. i know i really hurt you. i had my pride and couldnt tell you what was going on.i couldnt tell anyone i was going to try and find an ex ,and ask why he did what he did . why can everyone give you a second chance,but you wont give ME a second chance?" vara says softly. she knew she was bringing out the big guns for this one,and possibly playing dirty pool. but she loved mariko and knew that mariko loved her. she wasnt going to just fold and go home.

for a split second,mariko is livid. how dare vara bring up her past! mariko had a history of....well,being a terrible girlfriend,asking for a second chance and fucking it up. she hsd done it at least 3 times.her worst being what she had done to nina tarantino. whom mariko was still on pretty good terms with. but yeah. mariko had fucked nina over badly. with vara of all people,and on tv. there were still times when mariko would sit and shake her head at what she had done to nina. nina deserved better than that. she was a good person and really saw the best in mariko. even when mariko was at her most horrible. honestly,mariko probably did play a part in emerald black killing herself. she knew she was stealing nina away from her and saw it as less competition when emerald died. she really couldnt combat what vara had just said. But she couldn't forgive. If she forgave Vara,that meant Vara won. She would know this and continue to want forgiveness. She forgave her ex husband the first time he struck her...and it just got worse. It never ended. She was not going to be anyone's victim again.
"No." Mariko says bitterly.

"No?" Vara asks in surprise. It may have been egotistical,but she fully expected Mariko to cave." how can you just say no like that?! The times we had in prato was the happiest I've ever been. And from how it seemed,the happiest you had been. It was perfect." Vara pleads. It was rare that Vara would nearly beg for anything. Seldom did anyone have some thing she wanted,or that She couldn't easily get from them. She knew how Mariko could be when someone disappointed her. They simply ceased to exist to her.but Vara thought she was different,that she was special.

"How can I say that? How can you ask that is a better question." Mariko sneers. " much less bring up the past. No. I know how this works. You dangle the good times in front of my face,I forgive you and hope those times come back,then you just do it again." Mariko says while clenching her eyes shut. She felt she would burst into tears if she had to look at Vara.

Vara could tell that apologies were not going to work with Mariko,at least not now. She was paying for someone else's mistakes as well. Mariko could be exceptionally hard, but was very brittle. The slightest little crack in her exterior persona,and it all came crashing down. " you're right Mari. I'm sorry.I wasn't trying to bribe you or anything. So what do you want us to do?" Vara asked softly. She decided to change her tactics. Letting Mariko take control over things could be the best way to go about this. Vara had learned quickly that Mariko hated feeling like she was being managed or steered in any direction.it would instantly take her back to the days she fought to forget.She knew there was still some thing inside Mariko that cared for her. If she didn't,Mariko wouldn't have allowed her to be here.

Mariko moved her mouth to the side. This was New. No one had really ever asked her how she wanted to solve a disagreement. She felt her body become less tense and her breathing slow. "Well...um..I want to live here in Japan." Mariko starts.she had really started to like living here since moving back. She also figured there was no way Vara would agree to it.

Vara gave the slightest hint of a smile. She knew Her Mariko. All she needed was a tiny chance.nobody got a second chance from Mariko,so Vara knew she was in territory that hadn't been used in a long time. " done." Vara said simply at the request to live in Japan. She could deal without the constant tension between her sisters and Mariko. They pretty much hated each other. And Osaka could be pretty ,with the right company.Vara felt like things could be normal again. There was most likely lots of eggshell walking in her future,but it was better than the alternative.

Mariko was taken aback when Vara so readily agreed. She was expecting some sort of resistance. Vara loved her home country. Osaka was probably seen a big step down. Especially mariko's house.it was tiny by comparison and not near as lavish. "We TALK about things,everything. Nothing is to be off limits. I would rather know the truth about how you feel than having to guess." Mariko says softly while looking outside . the Sun was already coming up and the street lamps were shutting off. So many of mariko's problems with relationships could be solved by talking. This went for both parties in the relationship. She and Nina have a good laugh about it now. But it's truly what was the downfAll of their relationship.

Vara nodded. It was stupid to run off and leave Mariko.but she had to know about Trent. Her want of answers had become all consuming. " yes. I was really afraid you would try to talk me out of it." Vara admits.

Mariko lets out a small laugh. " you didn't want me for back up?" she had been very disappointed in Trent,and wanted to know why he did what he did. Vara was her friend before she was her girlfriend. She felt like she deserved answers too. "I'm tired and I'm sure you are too. Let's talk about this later." Mariko yawns while stretching.

Until Mariko mentioned it,Vara didn't realise It was now daylight. She was so intent on Mariko,she didn't realize she had been awake for near 30 hours." good idea. Jet lag is kicking my ass." Vara says in a tone that hints that she has no where to go. Vara sits back down on the couch. Which now feels like a cloud to her aching body.

" I'll get you a pillow from upstairs.the couch folds out." Mariko says tiredly. She was willing to give Vara a chance. Not pretend like nothing had happened. Mariko started the walk up stairs to her room. If anyone had told her this Is how her day was going to go ,she would have laughed in their face. Mariko enters her bedroom and looks at her pillows. She wasn't sure which one she wanted to part with.even for a few hours.

Vara stood in mariko's living room for a few moments after she left.that was close. She really had thought that Mariko wasn't going to take her back. Vara had no idea what she would have done then. Mariko was all she had in life,really. For better or worse,Vara expressed herself physically. She untied her robe and walked up the stairs too. She quietly walked into the room where Mariko was Apperantly really intent on keeping the best pillow for herself. Vara comes to stand behind Mariko and kisses her on the neck.

The contact of lips on her neck startles Mariko. She looks over to see a familiar head of black hair. Soon the pair of hands cup her chest. " I know what you're doing Vara." Mariko says quietly,still not Letting go of the pillow she is bolding .

Vara knew she was taking a chance by trying this with Mariko.Mariko knew how Vara could be . one of the first times they really interacted was a three some with Trent. Vara wanted to show her gratitude towards Mariko,so she had made the offer . now was similar. But Vara wanted Mariko to know how she missed her,how sorry she was,how grateful she was for this chance. Mere words weren't going to suffice as far as Vara was concerned . " then shut up and let me do it " ,Vara whispers in mariko's ear.

" this doesn't mean we are back together"

Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
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Offline erich hess  
#5865 Posted : 28 May 2016 03:50:37(UTC)
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Because I'm bored at work.

The american gas station restroom is one of the last remaining frontiers. Each one is like a miniature and self contained wild west. Sex and drugs,danger and filth....these small rooms have it all. I find that usually the more cumbersome the key,the better the adventure in the rest room. This current one is just a key attached to a length of pvc pipe.

The bathroom is small and grungy. Dirt and ...mold (?) Looks to to growing from the floor and reaches halfway to the ceiling. Who knows. It could always be whatever the fuck venom is from spider man. When elderly venom and carnage creatures retire,they move to sketchy bathroom walls. I kick the seat up with my foot. It makes a satisfying clang on the rail that runs around the toilet. I guess the rail is for handicap people or people who hover over potties. All I know is I'll be damned if I'm being rude and pissing on the seat. Givng the pants the old unzip treatment,I prepare to fill the toilet with pee. My bladder has been good to me,so I need to be good to it. The poor dear has held buckets full of liquor and has yet to fail me.
The air is cold and harsh on my Willy. I can feel it want a to shrink from the outside world and retreat to the warmth of the denim castle.
" hold strong,little one. We're going to get through this." I utter confidently down. I have to empty here. This was the last pit stop in the desert before we blew into Hollywood hills.stopping in the city gas station bathrooms are for squares and virgins.

"The hell we are! Just look at this place! I'm going inside and you can just deal with wet fucking pants." the penis says back. I'm not sure what voice I expected it to have,But I surely didn't picture kitt from knight rider.

" you listen here,you open up and put that urine in the bowl,mister." I sneer back at it. No punk ass dick is going to get the better of me. I don't care if it is my own.

"Nothing doing,pal." it says back shaking it's head from side to side. " get me a decent bathroom and maybe I'll think about it." I'm not sure if I like the haughty attitude my nether region is taking with me.

" are you trying to take over?because I will not allow it!" I scream,taking a firm grasp with both hands. There really is only one way to deal with backtalking body parts.

"No." it grunts back,sound muffled by my hands.I try to give it a good throttling,just to show who's boss. This proves harder than first imagined. Being rather soft,it's hard to get a good grasp.

" piss you son of a bitch! I'm not kidding around!" I now bellow. I can feel the sound echo in the tiny bathroom. It bounces off the walls and venom from Spiderman like creature ,and into my ears.

I know I'm getting the upper hand as I can feel my bladder start to empty. Its just a trickle,but victory is in sight. It at this point,I let my guard down. Big mistake. The misbehaving penis wiggles free and leaps towards my throat. It's got murder in it's one eye. Instinctively I leap back. Both of us hit the door and explode into the outside world. Its a whirlwind of parking lot lights In My eyes and gravel in my teeth. " let go of me! You want a lifetime of premature ejaculation? I Will fucking do it." the threatening voice booms.

I've got a good grasp on the squishy thing and try to get of my feet. I'm down,but not out. I hear a sneaky little giggle coming from my crotch. Willy knows I can't get to my feet while holding on to it. Being attached to me,it knows my thoughts as soon as I think them. Its at this point I feel my body being rolled over. I frantically look around for help. Anyone,I don't care who. This dick of mine is going to roll me in the shrubs and ......make me disappear?! Jesus Christ! I am losing this battle. The god damned lady filming me with her phone certainly is no help. "Fuck you! I'm dying over here and all you can do is take video?!" I screech at her. She pretends to pump gas and not see me. I know what is up.

" die! " the voice sneers as I'm rolled over again. I must be on my stomach,or dead. Everything is black and I feel my bladder release. Good bye cruel world,here lies Erich Hess. Killed by his own penis and Will be found with wet trousers.

A second or two later I hear the distinct sound of water hitting water. It seems I'm not quite dead yet. I spit out more gravel and pull myself to a kneeling position. I glance around and see an empty parking lot. It could be purgatory's gas station.all I know is it looks empty and I'm kneeling on a drainage grate. "My goodness! What the hell was that about?!" I ask to no one. Empty of bladder now,I zip back up. The world at large goes about it's business,unaware of the battle that just took place. I crawl on my hands and knees to my waiting car. By the time I get there,my hands and knees are covered in blood. People can't seem to drink beers without dropping them on the ground. Its like a broken glass utopia here. All dogs go to heaven,all broken glass ends up in this parking lot.

I pull myself into the car by sheer willpower alone. I've got the rolls Royce rat rod with me today. Its powered by a Merlin engine from an old spitfire. Over 1000 horsepower and probably nearly 1000 decibels of exhaust note. I need to abscond and quick. The sweet smell of ether fills my body when I tie the soaked rag around my nose and mouth. This is how I do my best work and my best driving. I feel my body and mind separate and I turn the car on.
I tear off through the night and towards the west.

Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
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Offline erich hess  
#5866 Posted : 18 November 2016 01:23:59(UTC)
erich hess
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Being aboard the Duke is fucking fantabulous. That may not be the kind of thing You wish to say aloud. As people may get the idea you're talking about John Wayne. John Wayne always struck me as a selfish lover that I certainly wouldn't want to be aboard. Yeah,i know not wanting to fuck the Duke is like saying you won't fuck America. Im sorry,if im fucking any america. It's going to be america Ferrara. Hey,i had to look for some saving grace in the sisterhood of the traveling pants. Travel over this way,am I right?

With life being as it is,i needed a break. Open water and salty spray im my face. I'm talking ocean voyage and not pirate porn. Not that life was getting bad,but I like a good buffer zone between myself and reality. Punching up the coordinates for Elvis' secret island in the Bermuda triangle. The duke's autopilot computer seemed modern enough. Given the sleek keyboard and flat screen, but the real computer power was in the very bottom of the ship. It has about 30 UNIVAC computers Surrounding an old commodore 64. The UNIVAC units are useless,but help balance the ship. I've also pilfered all their vacuum tubes for my amps over the years. Much like grand theft auto and the taxis ,i can either take the normal speed,quick speed,or instant travel.i choose instant today. It's nice to really get out there and put the Duke through its paces. Plus,it helps blow the carbon out of the engines. The Duke IS a high performance cruise ship after all. Putting about just dirties the engine internals.
Instantly traveling thousands of miles is quite a rush. It flaps your dick against your balls at phenomenal frequency. I have theories that if you could slow the sound of this down,its the collected work of Lovecraft in Morse code. But I don't want to be a weirdo and record it,so the world may never know.

In a blink,i was at Elvis island. Balls in pain and probably bruised. Elvis island is a sight to behold,the entire place has sand that is comprised of tiny rhinestones. There is a dense jungle surrounding a replica of grace land....which Since Elvis lives here,maybe the one in Tennessee is the replica.i hop out onto the beach and stride toward the King's front door. The rhinestone sand crunches underfoot to the tune of "suspicious minds". The sand determines which is your favorite Elvis song and make that sound. Rumors persist that if you don't like Elvis songs,the sand swallows you up and you are reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator. All will love Elvis,like it or not. I am suspicious ...ha ha. Suspicious. When I reach the front door,its swinging open in the tropical breeze. The smell of peanut butter is gently carried on the breeze.
" Elvis!" I call out,cupping my hands to my mouth. " Elvis! It's your ol pal,stinky whizzleteat. Im here to teach your grandmother to suck eggs." I follow up. Elvis loved the Ren and stimpy show..so it was our greeting to eatch other. Plus,it alerted him in case he had Marilyn Monroe over again. Walking in on them was very awkward. Mainly because I didn't leave and tried taking notes. Elvis was a bastard and tore up mu notebook. Marilyn was super creeped out and banned me from pinup island. So no afterlife romps with Betty page, Mamie van doren, or Jayne Mansfield for me.

" Get in here,you fucking jerk." I hear Elvis' voice weakly sound from inside the house. " I've fallen and i can't get up!" Which of course sends me into laugher. I know it's Elvis and he's hurt,but......c'mon. that shits funny.

I make way into the house and notice something is off...it's slightly more tacky.there is a lot more gold trim on things. There is less pink and black and more orange and brown. "Elvis! Where are you?" I yell Panicked. This was my closest supernatural friend. I don't know what I'd do if he was injured.

" Upstairs,hurry!" Elvis screams. There is real fear in his voice,so I run. Which becomes increasingly difficult the further I climb the stairs. The carpet goes from normal to foot deep shag before I am to the top. The deep carpet is hard to walk in. In short order,i smell smoke. Is Elvis spontaneously combusting?! I now rush as fast as I can. The shag carpet is now starting to crackle with electricity. Just what the fuck is going on here? I didn't sign up for weirdness when I dropped that acid this morning. It's like the laws of physics are being renewed and I'm the waitress named Tammy. The friction of shoes on carpet finally sets mh shoes on fire. I can't see through the smoke and carpet,but I feel the flames licking my knees. The crackle of electricity has become deafening. The burning shoes are the least of my worries.... the friction has also caused static electricity build up. This is bad. Im going to get struck by lightning and shit myself. Possibly even the walls too. Who knows the force of which lightning exits the human colon? The shag carpeting is now waist deep. I'm stuck like a snow plow. With one final burst of strength,i leap.
I leap like I've never lept before. Little jack horner hasn't got shit on me. I sail through the air,the shag carpet now nearly reaches for me with fuzzy tentacles. This frightens me greatly. Years of dating erica has taught me exactly where those tentacles go and why I should fear them.i close my eyes, expecting the worst when I land.

But I land safely in a bathroom. safely being relative. i'm staring face to face with the unclothed groin of elvis. "holy hell,man! you could have warned me i'd be so close to the little king!" i yell,rolling over. its not the first bare penis i've seen,and probably wont be the last. i never knew elvis was European,i hear uncircumcised is all the rage there. im not sure as to why,it just looks weird and cumbersome to me. who wants to wear a turtleneck several sizes too large? not me. give me streamlined any day of the week.

"quit bullshitting and help me up!" elvis creeches. he was lying there naked on the bathroom floor. the bathroom was normal bathoomish,aside from a carpeted floor and nothing on the counter. what kind of howard hughes weirdo doesnt keep all sorts of things on the counter? i know mine has a razor,toothpaste,light,bong,soap,spare roll of tp...you know,the essentials. his? nothing. its a shock to see my patron saint this way. to most people,seeing elvis alive and in the flesh would be startling,but not for me.i've met him several times. but this time,it's the 70's elvis. portly,bloated and a near parody of himself. when elvis appears to me,its always the sleek and sexy 50's one. i honestly do not know what to do.

"elvis! jesus christ,what happened to you?! your hair...its...its not greasy!" i stammer,running my fingers through his hair. this is horrible. usually you cant run fingers through a greasers hair without some effort and much residue on your hands. my hands emerge from his hair....bone dry. i dont know what what i should do. for a brief second,i feel a wrenching in my very being. but it was a good waffle breakfast,and i dont wish to lose. i clamp my mouth shut and will the food back into my stomach.

"erich...erich..." elvis weakly says with his tongue lolling to the side of his mouth. " people dont believe in me in anymore. they think i am dead...and that god damned michael jackson stole my thunder. first he marries my daughter and then has the nerve to die! people think he is still alive instead of me." elvis pleads. its heart breaking to see the king of rock and roll this way. i know he is still alive and not this...this...person i see in front of me. he is immortal,shaking his god damned pelvis like his dick was on fire. thats the elvis i know and i love.

i lean down and grab his face with both hands. "as you as my witness,elvis. i will MAKE the world believe you are the true meaning of christmas! i will make them believe so fucking hard that blood comes out their collective noses.this isnt right,elvis. i know...i know." its all i can do to keep my wits about me and not bawl like a baby.i glance of my shoulder at the the forest of shag carpeting and static electricity. i will brave that again for my lord and savior. its the least i can do.


Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
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Offline erich hess  
#5867 Posted : 04 April 2017 01:59:17(UTC)
erich hess
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The Duke was bobbing happily in the water. The ship was just sort of drifting in the middle of the Atlantic. Eventually they would reach Florida. Erica had plans to meet up with karoliena's family for some wrestling. Asuka was wrestling Saturday,and Erica wasn't missing that.

It weighed pretty heavily on Erica that she didn't even cinch a nomination for sexiest female. She thought she was a pretty sexual being and imagined she projected that image. But to not even be nominated? What the hell?! So Erica was sitting beside the pool in some tiny shorts and a t shirt that was cut just below her breasts. Nina walks out to the pool area,carrying a tray full of drinks. They were sort of sunset colored and had paper umbrellas in them. Nina stops and raises an eyebrow at Erica.

Nina: the fuck are you wearing love? You look like a whore..Is that Gretchen's shirt?!

Erica: oh this outfit? It's just a little something I threw-...Wait..Did you just call my girlfriend a whore?!

Nina: no,love. I called you a whore. When Gretchen wears that,it looks natural. When you wear it? You look like some tart looking for a sugar daddy....Or a bait girl from "to catch a predator." *Looks around and pretends to run away*. IM SORRY, CHRIS HANSON! SHE'S BEEN IN MY BAND FOR 7 YEARS. I ASSUMED SHE WAS LEGAL. *Laughs loudly*

Erica:*fumes* you aren't doing anything for my self confidence.

Nina:neither is that top,love.

Erica: I'm being fucking serious,Nina.

Nina: so am I. To wear a shirt like that,you need some massive knockers. A bikini top would be a a cuter option.

Erica: I don't want to be cute. I want to be Ginger,I'm tires of being Mary Anne.

Nina: who the fuck?

Erica​: Gilligan's island?

Nina:oh...You watched that shit, really?

Erica: it how I learned English.

Nina: really?!

Erica: I lived in Osaka! Not some backwater inbred town. I leaned it in school like most kids.

Nina: pardon me for not knowing how the bloody Japanese​ school system works! But let's get this straight.. Erica hess doesn't want to be called "cute"?! I'm calling bullshit​.

Erica: I wasn't even nominated for-

Nina:*cackles with laughter* the awards,love? Really!? Oh my God,why does it matter?

Erica: it does matter! I think I'm sexy and ive tried for years to get that award! Then karoliena just swoops in and gets nominated. What's she got that I don't?

Nina: well...

Erica: yes,I fucking know. She's got great breasts. So fucking what.* Crosses her arms.*

Nina: *changing her tone,as she sees Erica is legitimately upset* that's not what I was going to say. It's just...Well, karoliena IS sexy. Awards show sexy. You...Aren't, Love. While you are beautiful,do you have think anyone wanks to your Instagram pictures?

Erica: I appreciate the tough love...But you aren't helping. Like,at all.

Nina: think about it. Do you portray what is mostly fantasy for people?

Erica: I'm Japanese and bisexual. There are entire websites devoted to that.

Nina: there are websites from for farts too,love . You're a niche market, *Shrugs* and there isn't anything wrong with that . Erica,you know I love you. Which is why I'm the one who will tell you: you will never win that award.

Erica: *frowns as she ponders what Nina has told her.* Wow...I guess you are right. Wait,Izzy was nominated! I'm way sexier than her!

Nina: yes.....But you fall in that "normal" area. Karoliena is the unattainable sex kitten. Izzy is the unattainable virginal type. You...Have kinda cuted and been available enough to be overlooked.

Erica: great. So I'm slutty,but not slutty enough.

Nina: exactly.

Erica: great. I feel like an idiotic old lady.* Changes position and widens her eyes* AND The undersides of my boobs got sunburned!


Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
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Realms Of Darkness on 04/04/2017(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#5868 Posted : 29 November 2017 05:24:37(UTC)
erich hess
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It'd been a few days since anyone heard from Erich. As his unofficial caretaker,it was up to karoliena to find him. Atomic war bride had a show coming up,so it was imperative he be found.Her first guess was with Selene cassadine. But that was a bust. She and Erich didn't really have the sort of close relationship normal people have. They'd go weeks without checking in on each other. It was weird,but it worked for them. Karoliena checked with Erica next. This was possibly the worst place for Erich to be. Erich and Erica weren't so much yin and yang,but more like yin and yin. The two usually encouraged each other's self destructive tendencies. But nope. Erica was with Gretchen in the mountains of Austria. So karoliena tracked down the GPS of the Duke of Winchester. The ship was currently sitting in the middle of the Baltic sea. In short order,karoliena had hired a helicopter and was soon standing on the deck.

It's amazing what 4 years of disregard could do to an object. At one time,Erich had the entire ship repainted and restored. But now I was looking worse than ever. Karoliena made her way to the bow,kicking the empty bottles of various liquors out of her way. The bow was always erichs favorite spot,so she knew she would find him there. Which he was. Looking worse for wear than she'd seen him in a long time. He was unshaven, shirtless and probably hadn't changed his pants in days.

Karoliena: you're a hard man to find.

Erich: it's not proper for a married woman to be around a hard man.

Karoliena: please. We both know I'd bend you over that railing before you knew what was happening. *Laughs*

Erich: probably. You've bested the infamous Cassie Summers. What's an Erich Hess in comparison? * Crushes some pills and snorts it off the arm of the deck chair he's sitting on.* Seems anyone can best me these days.

Karoliena: you aren't that old yet.

Erich: I don't know. The king sounds like he's calling me home. *Snorts more of whatever he's been snorting all day*

Karoliena: it's only 2017. You have 60 .more years. Quit being dramatic.

Erich tuns towards karoliena and offers her some of his pills. The arm he extends is misshapen and probably very painful without the copius amounts of Vicodin he is ingesting.

Erich: c'mon. Don't make me look like a druggie. Jojn me,there's no kids here to see.

Karoliena:* shrugs and takes a line or two.* Oh...this isn't coke. Anyways,you're going to make me ask,aren't you?

Erich: ask and thy shall receive. Unless the mail doesn't ship that day.

Karoliena: fine. Erich,what happened?

Erich: it doesn't really matter and I don't wish to elaborate.

Karoliena:* looking at things closer and it doesn't look good.its bruised a deep purple an green all the way into erichs chest area* well did you at least get it looked at?

Erich: fuck no. Nobody is seeing me like this . I'll vanish and become a gnome. Then I'll spend all day riding pugs and living in mushrooms. I'll also take tiny shits in everyone's leftovers.

Karoliena: Erich, seriously. It's going to turn gangrenous.

Erich: good. Let it fall off. I'll get a hook and be a god damned pirate gnome.

Karoliena: you're worse than eris. C'mon,im taking you to the doctor.

Erich: * jumping up and throwing his one good arm up in a fighting stance* the fuck you will. I'm staying right here for the rest of my life. After I'm dead,spread a story that I'm one eyed Willie from the Goonies.

Karoliena:* unimpressed,but laughs* don't be rediculous. As if you have a choice when I tell you to do something.

Erich: I'm not going and you can't make me. I'm sitting right here until the end. * Crosses his arms and gets settled in his chair*

Karoliena: *sighs* there is no dealing with you when you're like this. So... You got any drinks around this tub?

She knew something was up,but Erich wasn't talking. So she changed her approach. Getting Erich drunk makes his far more pliable...and honest. Karoliena was one of the few people who could out drink Erich. Her tolerance for most chemicals was far higher than most people. Not because of any reason other than sheer Will. Being sloppy drunk was unbecoming,and karoliena was always becoming.

The curtain fall and time passes. 35 hours to be exact. The pair had been knocking back absinthe and laudanum all day and night. Every time they felt drowsy,it was a few bumps of cocaine and off they'd go again. They had spent the time talking about past good times,past bad times. Everything but the issue at hand. Feeling Erich was appropriately drained,karoliena started to get to the bottom of this.

Erich: so that's when I booted the fuck out of that orange. I mean,like how dare it think it's a grapefruit, merely because it's bigger than normal?! Did John Holmes become a different species just because he had a big dick? No. No he did not. Mother fucker probably didn't even plant a victory garden during world war two. I don't get it,karoliena. It's like he wanted the axis to win. There waz....there was,.....Wait...what were we talking about?

Karoliena: so.you were telling me about your arm?

Erich: right. So like I was saying: next time I see that bastard? I'm fucking killing him.* Erich pulls a large revolver out of his pocket and places it on the table* I couldn't protect dustyn AND he made me look bad? I demand satisfaction. We're dueling like true southern gentlemen. But he'll have to provide his own gun. I'm not going let someone borrow one of my guns,just to kill them. 40 paces,then..*Erich picks up the pistol and fires it*

Karoliena: *nods along and doesn't flinch when Erich mentions murder. Erich attempting to settle things through duels wasn't exactly new. But he seemed far more serious this time. But it gave karoliena leverage to get him to a doctor* you have one arm. And not even your shooting arm. You simply cannot duel like that. Listen,I know a doctor. He's very discreet. We'll get you into dueling shape in no time.

Erich: my God...you're right! I can't hit the broadside of a barn like this! I need both arms. What if duel devolves into swords? I'm not fencing like a swim team reject! I'm dueling like a man.

Karoliena: we'll leave as soon as my helicopter arrives. So why were you and dustyn fighting someone? No offense,but dustyn doesn't exactly seem like someone who can fight.

Erich: Billy was being a god damned asshole. Like ,handle your liquor better,man. He was acting real brand new. Basically implying dusty was a....a.... whatever a male whore is..a more? I took exception to that. He pushed me,I popped him in the nose. He whacks me with a candleabra. Damn dusty for being slightly less fabulous than Liberace. Who has candelabras?!

Karoliena: we have like a hundred.

Erich: you live in a castle. Dusty has an apartment. So then Billy headbutts me in the fucking head.i come to and the mother fucker is crying because he beat the fuck out of dusty with the candle thing. Naturally Dusty's well being took precedent over revenge. So here I am.

Karoliena: so...how's Dusty?

Erich: stable. I guess. I phoned the ambulance but couldn't stay. Not a relative and all that.

Karoliena: that is.... something.

Erich: see? A duel is the only way to solve this.

Karoliena:* sighs and holds out her hand for Erich to hold.*

Erich: fuck you, you aren't talking me out of this.

Karoliena: take my hand. Don't make me kick your ass too.

Erich:* there were few people Erich wouldn't stand up to. Karoliena was all of those people. So Erich did as she said.* Fine. What?

Karoliena: Erich...I know you're hurt and ashamed.

Erich: it's not just that. If I wasn't a hot head, Dusty would be fine now.

Karoliena: I'm not one of the unwashed masses. I know you. I know the real you. You are anything but a hot head. If you swung on Billy,I'm sure he more than deserved it. Hell,I'm sure if it got out you punched Billy,you'd have free drinks for life at a lot of bars. Billy could have easily turned on dustyn even if you weren't there.

Erich: no . He knows how to handle Billy. I made it worse And Dusty paid for it. *He sighs heavily and takes another drink of absinthe straight from the bottle* I couldn't protect dusty. I couldn't even protect myself. How can I ever show my anywhere again?

Karoliena: Erich,the man is a fucking nut,everyone knows that. You did your best.

Erich: karoliena, I'm not one of your kids where you can make everything ok with a "you did your best." Dustyn is in a hospital because of me. My best wasn't near good enough. I'm god damned useless.

Karoliena: if you were one of my kids,you'd have sense and we wouldn't be having This conversation. Here's what's going to happen. We're going to a doctor. Then You're coming to stay with Cassie and I. We have a tower where you can mope to your self indulgent heart's content.


Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
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BrownSugar on 29/11/2017(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#5869 Posted : 01 December 2017 03:05:44(UTC)
erich hess
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It had been several days since Erich had been staying with karoliena and her family. Staying is probably a strong word as Erich really had just remained confined to a tower of the castle. He had used this time to reflect on the current situation and what must be done. It was midday when Erich finally walked down the stairs and was greeted by karoliena sitting at a table . She was having a cup of tea and paging through a book.

Erich: morning....where is everyone?

Karoliena: Cassie took the kids to visit her parents. They do love to visit.

Erich: you didn't want them around me,huh?

Karoliena: not like you've been,no.

Erich: good point. Good point. Your parents still being dicks?

Karoliena: always. They know of no other way to be, really. No big loss for the kids. You know my parents are as inviting as any of the empty suits of armor here.

Erich: possibly less so. So they never met Cassie?

Karoliena: I haven't even spoken to them in over a decade. Are you trying to be obvious about avoiding the issue? You've never asked about my family before...well,outside of Cassie and the kids.

Erich: your parents are scary.

Karoliena: I guess. So enough stalling. What are you going to do about your problem?

Erich: I'm done. I'm walking away.

Karoliena: that's oddly mature for you .

Erich: I mean with everything. Music,this life. Everything. I'm giving it all up. I'll raise cows or something.live quietly.

Karoliena: ok that's more like you. No middle ground,huh?

Erich: I'm serious.

Karoliena: you ? Raising cows? For what purpose, exactly? You can't kill them for beef. You know fuck all about dairy.

Erich: to hang out with. Just me and some cows chilling all day long.

Karoliena: so no flashy cars,no adoring fans, no what I only assume is freaky sex with busty label heads? Trust me,there is no way that woman is stepping foot on a farm.

Erich: that's not the life for me anymore. It's over,karoliena. I have no more credibility. How can anyone take me serious now?! I'll be laughed off the stage.

Karoliena: lets be honest,nobody took you serious before.

Erich: but it was on my terms. Now I'll be forever known as the guy who got his ass kicked by a guy in a boy band. I'm sorry,I am not giving the world that pleasure.

Karoliena: I already told you nobody knows. Dustyn swore me to secrecy when I spoke to him. So I really doubt anyone else knows the details.

Erich: I do. Dustyn does ,and Billy does. That's enough. I can't look either of them in the face.

Karoliena: *sighs in frustration* sober you is a whiny bitch, Erich. Get your ass back out there and face the world. I don't fuck losers and you're making that retroactively happen.

Erich: but.

Karoliena: but nothing. Quit being a little bitch. Put on your big girl pants and suck it up. Nobody wins all the time. Not even Erich hess. So you lost to Billy,who the fuck cares? Dusty doesn't hold it against you. And isn't that really what matters here?

Erich: nobody will respect me,karoliena. Nobody

Karoliena: if you run and hide,I will have no respect for you. That's the weakest thing I've ever heard of. And frankly,it disgusts me. I've known you for what? Nearly 20 years. This is the first time I've ever seen this side of you. Erich, c'mon.

Erich: *thinks for a moment* karoliena,pour me an absinthe.

Karoliena: fuck you,do it yourself.

Erich: you'll have to buy me dinner first. I'll need my coat,my sword cane,and to cancel my order of 10,000 cows. I have a world to fuck up.

Karoliena: i... actually have no absinthe. But here's a juice box from the kids.

Erich: *Dramatically punches the straw through the top and drinks it in one suck.*


Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
Offline erich hess  
#5870 Posted : 13 April 2018 23:03:23(UTC)
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Erich, karoliena,and Cassie were sitting on a hotel bed playing cards. It was midday and they had a long time to wait until they had to get ready for their show tonight. By this time,they had seen and done everything in Branson. It wasn't worth going out ,so they sat inside and played cards.

Cassie: any twos?

Karoliena: go fish.

Cassie:* tossing the cards on the bed.* I hate go fish. We're fucking adults. Let's play a real card game.

Erich: I don't know anything else.

Cassie: I thought all men knew how to play poker.

Erich: oh,I know how to play-

Karoliena: *interrupting Erich * nope. Nobody needs that bad of a joke at 11am. Nobody

Cassie: well,I'm not playing strip go fish. I have standards.

Erich: I'm not playing that !

Cassie: oh fuck off,like either of us would tell on you.

There is a rapid knock on the door. The frequency and height of the knocks divulges the fact Erica is on the other side.

Karoliena: go away. No short bitches allowed... other than Cassie.

Cassie: fuck you.

Karoliena: I'm planning to.  *Karoliena's eyes light up and she hops off the bed, grabbing erichs arm.she tugs him to the door and shoves him outside.*  Hi Erica,bye Erica. Take this and be scarce for a couple hours. *Karoliena shoves a fistful of money at Erica, briefly hugs her and pops back in the room. The door locks can be heard locking.*

Erich: I have my own money,I'm not a god damned invalid! *Shouted at the door.*

Erica: I don't.  *She gleefully stuffs the money in her pockets.*

Erich: so what brings you here? Harlots annual clue game fall through?

Erica; nah, Nina's got tummy issues. I told her: "bitch,don't eat the seafood omelette from IHOP." But did she listen to me? Nooooooo. Looks like I'm vindicated as hell.

Erich: oh..it's not everyday you get to hear about the IHOP shits.

Erica: IHOP is great though.

Erich: no. It most certainly isn't. Waffle house. Now that is the affordable breakfast dining experience that makes men men.

Erica: but I'm not a ma-

Erich; not with that attitude,you aren't. C'mon. There's a bar in the lobby.

Erica: ew. That place looks like an old TV Western. I've seen less leather in bars catering to leather daddies.

They both start walking towards the elevator. Erich kicks the button. He doesn't want to touch the thing. It's much like touching the flush handle of a public toilet. It's gross.

Erich: wait...what have you been doing at a leather daddy bar?

Erica: Gretchen makes a surprising amount of deliveries to them. I was expecting waaaay more hot and lonely socialites with her line of work. But,nope. It's leather daddies.

Erich: hmm. Learn something new each day.

Erica:  yeah,the amount of large hot pants she's had to measure...the sack is always like resting on her hand. Ugh.

Erich: she must really go through the hand sanitizer.

Erica:like you wouldn't believe.

The elevator arrives and the two step inside. It's early morning so most other hotel dwellers are at the breakfast table. Our heroes are looking for strong drink and good times.Once inside, Erica hits the button for the lobby.

Erich: you would think karoliena would know better than to send us out,alone.

Erica: right? She does realize the likelihood of us being incarcerated before the day is out is.....well,it's pretty likely.

Erich; she gave us money.that means she condones whatever we get into.

Erica: you...um...got anything?

Erich: *digs in his pockets, producing 4 sheets of acid, several
peyote slices,and a bottle of ether from his jacket pocket.* You?

Erica:*nods her approval and does the same. She produces a comically large bag of weed,several packets of powder in several shades of white, and her own sheets of acid.*  WONDER TWINS,FORM OF CHAOS!

Erich and Erica rapidly race to ingest all the acid and peyote they can before the elevator doors open. They each end up with a massive dose of each drug. This was mk ultra levels of chemicals. they would either have the time of their lives.....or become the next unibombers.

The elevator opens into the lobby where several middle Americans are checking in or out. They had pasty skin,so one could see they never saw the sun. They all looked like extras from any 1980's summer camp movie. The bar was over to the right. Much like Erica's assessment,it did look very Western. Loads of plastic cow heads mounted on the wall. Orange walls with cowboy and saguaro silouttes everywhere. Erica and Erich take some cow printed stools and prepare for drinks and the inevitable start to their trip.

Bartender: she has to go. We can't serve her.

Erica: *pissed* oh really?! Why is that?  *She folds her arms and waits expectantly*

Bartender: you have to be 21 to drink. Even in wild Branson.

Erica:*instantly starts giggling* oh stop,you sweetie. *Erica slaps her ID on the counter* I've been over 21 for at least 6 years.

Bartender: 6?! More like-

Erica: *interrupting* I'll take a rum and coke.

The bartender nods and raises his eyebrows to erich.

Erich: make it two.

Bartender: *working on the drinks* a bit early to be drinking ,isn't it?

Erich: not for two rough and tumble people like us. Add two mojitos,my good man.

Erica:* looking at the flyers for shows in town* this jim Stafford show...it any good? Oh ,add 4 shots of tequila to this order.

Bartender: his humor can be a bit Racey. 

Erich: 4 beers, please. Stella,none of that Budweiser stuff. *also now eyeing the flyer* three dog night?!  I thought they were dead!

Bartender: no. They just perform like it.

Erica and Erich crack up laughing and start drinking their ample supply of drinks.

Erica: *reading* dolly Parton's Dixie land stampede? Dude,we have GOT to go.can you imagine the freaks that go to that thing!?

Erich: shit yeah, we need to get there as soon as this peaks. I dont want to miss a single moment. It'll be like riding inside the enema of America. And by God, we're riding that colon cleanse as far as it'll take us.

The bartender leaves soon after. The drinks are charged to their room,so there is no need to sit and listen to these two weirdos.

Erica: Dolly could still get it.

Erich: of course,we aren't Communists.

The next few hours are spent drinking and talking about the show schedule,life in general,and the proper care of pet weasels. It was then the drugs started to make their presence known,like a drunken brother in law at a bris.

Erica: ...so you want to really turn the music up for the weasels. They have tiny ears so that can't really absorb the sound all that well . Barry manilow is the champ's choice for maximum weasel growth.

Erich: then we'll dethrone the champ,by God. Hess brand weasels will become the premier choice for Mustela enthusiasts.

Erica: *wiping her brow* it's fucking sweltering in here. We need to get some air before we die.

Erich: I think the bartender is too scared to tell us to leave,so he just opened the top of the building to let the sun bake us.

Erica: convertible building? No doubt this was a Mormon open air brothel at one time. * Shakes her head sadly*

Erich: well ,the Osmonds spent a disproportionate amount of time here.

The pair slide off their stools and make their way to the door. The alcohol made the act hard enough. The hallucinogens kicked things up to ghost n goblins levels of difficulty by turning the patterned carpet into  a void of teeth and tentacles.

Erich: mind the gaping maw, it'll consume you as Soon as look at you.

Erica: *she starts throwing sticks of gum from her pocket to the floor* here,chew on this! I'm all stringy and don't freshen breath.

Erich and Erica awkwardly tip toe out the bar and into the lobby. they try to keep their feet on the white baseboard that frames the room. Even stone sober this would be akin to competing in Olympic gymnastics. So the pair look like idiots who occasionally jump on the walls..

Little kid walking with his mom to check-in: people still play "the floor is lava"?!

Kid's mom: shhh. They are probably foreigners with was different than our own .

Erich: * easily overhearing this* this isn't the junior chamber of commerce!

Erica and Erich make a leap of faith from the walls to a luggage cart. Miraculously,they both make it. The momentum causes the cart to lurch forward and roll towards the street.
The doorman dutifully opens the door so the cart can roll out .

Doorman: very good,sirs.

Erica: *throwing money at him* we're the best sirs!

Erich: very good. Keep them buttered up with tips. We'll have this whole damn town on the payroll by nights end .

Erica: then dolly will see we are the real movers and shakers around here. maybe we'll even be put in the Dixieland stampede. You,me,and a horse that does the high dive.

Erich: that act is too good for Branson. That is Vegas all the way.

Erica:*narrowing her eyes as the cart sloooooowly rolls pass some disinterested looking pensioners* that's right,you guys don't deserve our highdiving horse

Old guy: what? High diving whores? I saw the Ziegfeld Follies,I'll have you know . I've seen a whore or two in my time .

Erica:aww,I like him. Lasso him, Erich! We need a wise elder statesman on our team .

Erich: im on it! *Erich removes a shoe and fashions a tiny lasso with the lace . He throws it but it's far too small to reach it's target.* We're too far into bedrock. This lasso will never reach. God damn Barney rubble saw to that . *Erich shakes his fist at the sky in anger* fuck you, Barney!!!

The cart comes to an abrupt stop when the wheel strikes a pebble (hahahaha,get it. Bedrock? Pebble?) Erich and Erica are thrown from the luggage cart and into a small duck pond .

Erica:*screaming because the water is a surprise for her and she thinks she is drowning* I'M SORRY,MR RUBBLE! MY FRIEND KNOWS NOT WHAT HE DOES. WITHDRAW YOUR NEPTUNIAN VENGEANCE, PLEASE......*she splashes madly in the water.

Erich:*spitting out duck flavored water that probably has flesh eating bacteria all in it.* That's why the show was called the Flintstones and not the rubbles. Barney is a son of a bitch.

The pair slip and slide trying to extract themselves from the small body of water....and the layer of slimy duck poop that has sank to the bottom.

end part one.part two soon

Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
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BrownSugar on 17/04/2018(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#5871 Posted : 17 April 2018 02:14:50(UTC)
erich hess
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Erica and Erich extract themselves from the duck pond and lay on the sidewalk, exhausted. They are soaked and covered in algae and duck poop....and laughing maniacally. Nobody pays them much mind and pedestrians just step around tjem., wisely not wishing to get involved. Or,most likely, oblivious the two beings on the ground are drug fiends.

Passerby:* carefully tip toeing over them*  that jim Stafford show must be FANTASTIC!

Passerby 2: good thing I'm wearing my depends.

Passerby: I better stop and get a pair. I don't want a replay of the time we were at the yakov Smirnoff show in '06. Laughed so hard I shot crap right up my back.

Erica: I think I'm turning into a duck...do my feet look webbed to you?

Erich: * using his x-ray lsd vision to see inside Erica's shoes* nah. I think you just have a small colony of alga in your shoes. The webbing you're feeling is merely Tiny Amish farmers harvesting the algae.

Erica: I don't want amish foot! We gotta get out of these clothes before it takes hold.

Erich: capital idea. People are starting to catch on. We need to take on the plumage of local fauna. We gotta buy new clothes.

Erica: *tries to get to her feet* son of a bitch. I'm too late,the algae has taken root on the sidewalk.leave me. I'll only slow you down.

Erich: NEVER! You're the heart and soul of this organization.

Erich tries to roll over and crawl on his knees. It was hard,but he manages. He pushes his head under Erica's back in an attempt to get her on his shoulders.

Erica: I'm going to fall! What are you, some sort of mutant hell beast?!

Erich: I'm a hero like John Wayne, little lady.ill get us to Walmart and some dry, non algae ridden clothes.

Erica: *rolling back off and onto the sidewalk* there is no need...I'll call us an Uber! It's fucking brilliant!

Erich: *skeptical about the whole Uber thing. It's a German word and his Arch nemisis is also German. One Erwin Rommel* ok but If it's a nazi driving service,I'll swing on the bastard.

Erica: it's fine. I do this all the time. *She fiddles with the phone and lies back down on the concrete* now we play the waiting game.

Erich:*sighs as he hates waiting* how much duck love juice do you think was in that water?

Erica: conservatively? I'd say at least 65%.  You're lucky. You don't have a womb. I may be pregnant with a duck lovechild as we speak. That bill is going to be hell to push out.

Erich: we could cook the evidence for next Easter dinner.

Erica: you aren't eating my duck baby! The fuck is wrong with you?!

Erich: hey,I'm just throwing out options here. Nobody wants a duck baby.

Erica: no! We aren't going to eat it. Im selling it to the circus like any sensible person would. Duck babies are the Meryl Streeps of the circus freak world.

Erich: so it's like a spider baby then? Dustyn has told me about such things existing in Ireland.

Erica: spider baby? Is it a spider with the head of a baby? Does it gurgle or anything?

Erich:* thoughtfully* you know...he didn't say. Must be a closely guarded secret of Ireland.

Erica: like Irish spring soap.

Erich: exactly.

A small Hyundai pulls up and honks it's horn. The Uber has arrived. It's driven by a polite looking young man with curly hair. Erich crawls towards the car on his hands and knees.the driver opens the door and let's erich in.

Erich:my companion. You must lift her in the car. She's near helpless in this condition. Bad heart,you know.

Driver: I am not lifting Anyone.

Erich: is it because Lyft is the competition?! That woman out there is with child ,god dammit! Do you want her to lose ,what may possibly be THE star attraction in this podunk town?!

Erica:* from her place on the ground* hey,I needed help! Listen,I'll give you...*counts out money* three hundred dollars. Pick me up.

The driver gladly picks up tiny Erica and Chucks her into the backseat. She lands on Erich,who jumps in surprise.
The driver then begins to drive to Walmart,which is only about a five minute drive.

Driver: so what brings you two to Branson?

Erich: what?! Who told you we were here?! Out with it,man!

Erica: mission compromised. Game over,man. Game over! To think i let you pick me up.

Driver:* slowly realizing his Passengers were a little...off.* okay....I'm just going to focus on driving.

Erich: you weren't before?!

Erica: it's like my duck baby doesn't even matter.

Driver: you guys have a baby duck back there? If it craps,I'm charging you a cleaning fee.

Erich: yeah? Well if  i crap myself,I'm charging YOU a cleaning fee. How' about those apples? *Erich visibly strains. He's willing to go the distance to prove a point.*

Driver:*grumbling* why do I always get the weirdos?

Erica: the duck is still in it's gestational form. ...say,anyone ever tell you that you have your mother's ears?

Erich: oh my God,he does!

Driver: what?! How do you guys know my mom??

Erich: oh we go way back. We were in the war together. Fucking Charlie had us pinned down in the jungle. I thought we were goners for sure.  It was either stay put and deal with the incoming napalm or chance running for it and get shot at.  All of a sudden,your mother comes tearing through the jungle like a son of a bitch. She's throwing foliage every which way. She's CHEWING a god damned squirrel for sustainance during this rampage. She scoops both myself and Erica here and carries us on her SHOULDERS. She ran, forty,sixty miles with us on her shoulders. She wouldn't even stop for a river,she would just squat and leap the mother fucker.

Erica: her eyes were wild the entire time. You don't forget eyes like that. They were one part busted pedophile from that to catch a predator show, and one half heaven's gate prophet.

Erich: she threw us both in the medical tent and kept running. The only thing we ever saw of her again was the discarded tail from the squirrel she was chewing. I had that tail tied to the Jeep antennae all the way through the rest of the war. I don't know if it brought good luck,but I'm here today. And not a bullet hole in me.

Erica: we'd still have it today,but the customs agents took it. Something about a quarantine. Say....you're not a customs agent,are you?

Erich: God damnit ,I think he is! Lemme out! Lemme out! * Starts frantically pulling at the door handles* I've about six hundred illegally purchased rice Krispy treats from Borneo.

Driver: * screeches the car to a halt in the Walmart parking lot* get the fuck out! We're here and for the love of God, NEVER ride with me again.

Erica and Erich pour themselves out of the car and stagger towards the door of Walmart. They occasionally touch things and people to make sure they are really there. The Uber driver leaves a cloud of rubber smoke as he accelerates far away from his passengers.

Erica:*doubling over in laughter* oh my God,did you SEE that guy! With a little luck,he's traumatized forever. Serves him right. His mother wouldn't approve of him whoring himself out like that.

Erich: the fuck did that happen?! I thought we just hitched a ride!

Erica: for an extra five, he'd give a hand job. I've seen his sorts all over. Let's get the little scooter,I'm still not ready to walk.

Erich: I get to ride in the basket!

Our hereos climb into the little scooter. It's red and creaks with the sound of a million miles on its odometer. A million,slow miles.probably picking up catfood and Billy Graham books. Erica gives the throttle a few twists before nodding to Erich. This is a Worthy craft indeed. Erica is pilot and Erich is hunched in the basket like Quasimodo.

end part two


Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
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BrownSugar on 17/04/2018(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#5872 Posted : 26 April 2018 02:40:15(UTC)
erich hess
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Inside Walmart our heroes are dazzled by the sheer scope of good ol American commerce. Through their skewed perspective,the building looked to be miles wide and filled to the brim with Wal Martians. Each one more horrid than the next and each filled with the hunger for human flesh...at least in the hess' mind. In reality these were pretty normal people buying supplies for their vacations.

The motorized wheel chair chugged down an aisle. Either it was tremendously slow,or the battery was dying. As they moved through the store,erich put his hands to his eyes in the shape of binoculars.

Erich: captain,nothing to report from the starboard bow . Just frozen fish sticks and flip flops for toddlers.

Erica: they've probably hidden all the clothes. They want us to strip naked.

Erich: nothing doing, pals! * Shouted up at the security cameras.*

Erica: this thing doesn't steer worth shit. It's not cooperating with me at all!

Erich: dammit. conspiracy. Conspiracy at every turn! These sons of bitches are TRYING to hinder our progress.

Erica: *shouts into her phone* find clothes! Gps,find clothes!

As the cart rolls through the store,it keeps clipping the edges of displays and soon they're dragging an entire mannequin behind them. Erica notices this and freaks out.

Erica:FUCK! Naked and faceless CIA agents are latched on! They're coming for us,I'll be deported. You,you'll be executed at dawn! Abandon ship!!!

Erica dramatically leaps from the slow moving cart and rolls to safety. This actually looks very smooth and deliberate. The Olympic commission should come calling any day. Erich on the other hand remains in the cart,which has now slowed to a stop.

Erich: god damn rat bastards! They've disabled our transport..


Erica throws a volleyball that's still in it's packaging at Erich. The corner of the box catches him in the forehead and soon he is gushing blood.
But fortune has smiled on our two musicians. They were in the sporting goods section and were surrounded by all sorts of camoflauge clothing . Not noticing the blood pouring down his face,Erich just grabs arm fulls of clothing. They were tripping too hard to worry about something as trivial as sizing.

Erich:  I found this garb. we'll blend into the plethora of woodland creatures until this all blows over.

Erica:  *leans down to smell the clothing* this smells like store! There is no way we'll be able to blend in. The woodchucks will spot us and rat us out to the police.

Erich: that's horribly racist to say the woodchucks would "rat" us out. They have feelings,you know....do you taste blood? * Erich puts his hand go his head and sees the blood on it.

Erica: that Uber driver shot you!

Erich; I'll kill that son of a bitch! He didn't even give me the courtesy of a quick draw contest.

Erica: and to think we PAID him for that service?!

The two stumbled their way to the front of the store and gawk around. They could go the easy route and use the self checkout. It would avoid most human contact and get them through this quickly...but our heroes have a strong moral opposition to automation and the elimination of jobs for corporate profit. So they stand in line. Erich bleeding profusely and Erica staring at her hands and wiggling her fingers.

Erica: wow. Think how vile it is that I just have my fingers out like this. That'd be like you walking around with no pants.

Erich: we should have picked you up a pair of gloves.

Erica: gloves?! What am I?! A damned Nazi?? No normal person wears gloves.

The line moves quickly and nobody has paid Erich or erica much mind. They're in Walmart.  Weirdness was practically required just to enter the door. Several unruly kids are running around yelling,much to Erica's dismay.

Erica: someone should clothesline these little fuckers.

Erich: who? *He's rather oblivious to children. Much like playing fallout,they pretty much are just background decorations to him*

Erica: these kids. I swear if taki ever acted like this,I'd ...I dunno ...glare at her or something. She's pretty well behaved,so the subject has never came up.

Erich: I don't know. I kinda like the free spiritedness of kids yelling and not giving a fuck.

Erica: bleh. Ooh, we're next. Act normal. This man looks like he takes no shit.

Erica was right. The cashier looked miserable and rather lizard like. His thick square glasses were rather smudged,but he couldn't care less.

Cashier: this is a lot of camoflauge. You two going hunting? We sell licences in the back.

Erich: nah. We're avid pacifists. The wildlife out there would kill us and pick our bones clean within an hour.

Erica: we're part of Dolly Parton's Dixieland stampede. We play two trees in the finishing dance number. A quick change of plans left us without a proper costume.

Erich: oh yeah. Is this camo convincing enough to dogs? We kinda need a dog to pee on us. This is imperative. The whole god damn show pivots on this point. If the dog isn't convinced we are real trees....dolly will have our heads.

Erica: and not in the way you want dolly to have your head,either.

Cashier: *not really sure if he should take these two serious. Mainly because their pupils are the size of dinner plates and Erica keeps looking at the skylight in fear* um...I guess. The pattern is called realtree.

Erich: smashing. Ring us up,my good man. Adventure awaits.

The man rings Erica and Erich up. Erich doesn't trust himself to give the man anything resembling the proper amount of cash,plus he's scared to reach in his pockets. There could be duck shit in the bottoms. So he hands the man a credit card and soon Erica and Erich are on their way. They change into the camo clothes in the Walmart bathroom. There was no way the walmartians deserved to see their naked bodies. This change of clothes took near an hour. they tried to wash themselves off in the bathroom sinks. Through some artful arranging of their bodies,it eventually was done.

They both emerge simultaneously. Both looking rather insane. Erica had sense to put her hair up into a semi well done ponytail. Erich on the other hand...his once elegant pompadour now ran wild on his head. Looking much like a pre gray hair Rick.

Erica: ugh,I'm starting to feel a bit tired...a pick me up,Mr Hess?

Erich: *nods* yeah.i think that is exactly what we need

continued later

Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
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BrownSugar on 26/04/2018(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#5873 Posted : 02 May 2018 02:11:07(UTC)
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Erica: yeah....from the cow's boob.

Erich: but breastfeeding is natural. It's not sexual!

Erica:very true...but you're not a baby cow. You're a grown man fixing to suck a cow nipple. Face it,it's going to be sexual for the cow.

Erich: oh god...

Erica: you never know,Bessie may like it. *Elbows Erich*

Erich: fuck you. You ruined milk for me now.

Erica and Erich walk towards a cow field and lean on the fence, planning the best form of attack.

Erica: seriously,you never tried the milk thing when ada was preggers? I did . I had to try with Natalya.. Curiosity and all that.

Erich: never. I'd be pissed if someone was drinking my milk,so I figure the baby would think the same. An angry baby still in the stomach... I don't want to be responsible for that. God damned baby could come out looking ugly or something. I'm not going to be blamed for that.

Erica: everyone should do it once.

Erica scopes out the field of mooing cows. Most are plainish brown ones. But there are a handful of black and white cows. These are the ones she is most familiar with.... through cartoons. Soon Erica starts to sing " whistle while you work." In hopes the cow will come over

Erich: mary Poppin wasn't Princess! This isn't going to work .

Erica: I'm drawing a blank here. These things are fucking huuuuuge in real life.  I'm kinda scared.

Erich: these cows look like they're Aladdin fans. Sing " a whole new world. " . We'll be riding that cow in no time.

Erica: you're going to have to help. That song is a duet.

Erich: I don't know the words. But I have an idea...

With this,Erich grabs the cow by the horns and tries his best to hold the cow still. it's effective only because the cow couldn't care less. It just stood there , chewing its grass.

Erica scampers over the fence and hops on the back of the cow. She rocks back and forth in hopes of getting the cow to move. It still just sits there chewing.

Erica: you're going to have to bond with it, Erich. Suck that udder.

Erich: ew. No! You made it weird earlier.

Erica: weird?! The way I'm sitting on this cow,it feels like I'm riding a fat man cowgirl style. The hairiness isn't helping.

Erich: *sighs* ok,but I swear to God if you make this weirder...

Erica: would I do something like that,?! C'mon now.

Erich stoops down and takes the cow udder in his hand. It was very pjnk and fleshy. Probably pretty impressive as far as cow mammaries go. But the wrongness of doing this haunted him.

Erica: c'mon,it's not going to suck itself. We need to get this cow moving. The other cows are starting to stare.

Erich: don't rush me! I'm kinda scared it's going to freak out and step on my head.

Erica: Susan wouldn't do that! She's a hip cow.

Erich gently puts his mouth on the teat and sucks as hard as he can.it isn't working so well and he isn't sure if he is getting milk or just his own saliva.

Erica: you've seen this done before,use your hands too! Don't be a pussy.

Erich pinches the cow teat and pulls on it. That does the trick and soon he has a mouth of warm milk....and it's awful.
The cow makes a sound, which Erica takes to mean the bond is successful between Erich and cow. So,being mature... she moans the most orgasmic moan she can produce.

Erich rolls out from under the cow, milk all over his head. He's practically soaked in the stuff.

Erich: you made it weird!!!

Little did our heroes know,but the farmer wasn't too far away from this scene. Erica's moan alerted him and he came running over.

Farmer: the hell are you two doing?! That's the third time this week that you darned hippies have been molesting my cows! First it's mushrooms and now you're having sex with them?! * Uses his cell phone to call the cops*

Erica: shit! Shit! Shit! Hop on, Erich.

The cow actually does start moving and Erich hops on behind Erica. The cow is slow,but they are on their way. Erica thumbs her nose at the farmer and they exit an open gate.

Continued later.

Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
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BrownSugar on 02/05/2018(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#5874 Posted : 18 May 2018 02:01:32(UTC)
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The cow slowly trots down the road with Erich and Erica on it's back. Tourists slow their cars down to take pictures while locals just drive by. A cow,with or without someone riding it,just isn't that impressive to them..

Erica: hold on,I'm shifting Susan in to high gear. *Erica scratches the cow behind the ear,which really seems to please the cow. So much so that it stops*

Erich:that farm guy is going to catch up with us! This is a horrible spot to have a cow break down.

Erica: she's not broken down! She's preparing herself for a burst of speed.

Erich: I don't think so. I think she is preparing to go to sleep.

Erica:*patting the cow's head softly* shhh,don't you listen to him,Susan. I know you are preparing the warp drive. It's like he's never watched Star trek or something.

Erich: ok,Susan. Engage warp drive! We have an escape to make and a dolly Parton to meet.

Suddenly the cow starts to walk again. The pair really have no control over the animal,it's really just aimlessly wandering around.. the cow ends up walking back to the farm where a Stern looking policeman is talking to the farmer.

Erica:*aghast* Susan! You're a narc?!? I can't believe you! After everything we've been through? After Erich did...that to you?! You're just going to turn us in like that?!

Erich:  Susan...I'm having a big ass steak tonight and I'm naming it after you!

As if the cow could understand what Erich was saying,the cow starts running. The bouncing of the animal nearly throws Erica and Erich off,but they cling on tightly.

Erica: lean down like motorcycle people do! We can't afford the wind resistance.

Erich tucks his head behind Erica's and notices the cop car following them.

Erich: oh shit,run Susan,run!!!!!

Erica: if we could just get up to 88mph...

Erich: dammit,why didn't either of us think to put a carrot on a stick?

Erica: carrots are nasty. Would you touch one?

Erich: good point.

The police car catches up to the cow in no time. The cop rolls his window down and points to the side of the road.

Cop: pull the cow to the side of the road immediately.

Erica and Erich glance at each other and silently ponder their options. The cow could possibly sprout rockets and fly away ,but the likelihood is very slim. Defeated,they stop the cow and get off. Briefly, they consider running for it,but they are too high and a taser to the ass doesn't sound fun.

Erich: all right, gumshoe. You got us. * Puts his hands up.*

Erica: *also puts her hands up* Bengoshi ga hoshī.

Cop: what's she saying?

Erich: I...really don't know. I don't speak Japanese.

Cop: so you guys have been running around all day and stole a cow...but you haven't been speaking? I find that hard to believe.

Erich: *shrugs* we manage.

Cop: * handcuffs them both and makes them sit on the curb* I'm placing you both under arrest for cattle rustling and beastiality.

Erica: beastiality?! The fuck?!

Erich: whoa whoa whoa. We were just riding on it's back.

Cop: the cow's owner reported hearing loud moaning coming from the area the cow was stolen from....and I thought she only spoke Japanese?

Erica: you'll be surprised how quickly you learn English when accused of beastiality.

Cop: we take a strong stand against such deviant behavior in this state. You two had better have a good lawyer.

Erich:* sighs* Jesus Christ. This is going to look fantastic on the news.

Erica: oh my God...the news.

Cop: before I search you,do you want to come clean with any illegal substances you may be carrying.

Erich and Erica glance at each other. They have enough drugs between them to ensure about twenty felonies. ....on top of the already crazy charges.

Erica: we get a phone call,right?

Erich:  you're going to need more evidence bags....trust me.

Curtain falls and time passes. Our heroes are sitting in the booking area and waiting to use their phone call. Erica goes first.

Erica:*calling Gretchen* c'mon c'mon ,pick up.

Gretchen: Yello. Summers time black and blues.

Erica: oh my God,it's you! Thank goodness. Listen,gretchie. I'm in jail in Missouri

Gretchen: um... why?

Erica: karoliena wanted to have sex,so she sent Erich and I out together.

Gretchen: alone?

Erica: yeah.

Gretchen: jeez. Even I know how bad that would turn out. How bad is it?

Erica: .... Bad.

Gretchen: hang tight . I'm coming . Don't become anyone's prison bitch...at least until I get there. *Laughs

Erica: oh I'm totally going to be your bitch. When you get me out of here,I'm going to tongue your as-

Erica is cut off when the officer Yanks the phone from her.

Officer: no phone sex! *Officer pulls erica to her feet and takes her away. Presumably to processing and the female section of the jail.*

Another officer: *hands Erich the phone* you're up... pervert.

Erich:*eyes the phone with contempt. He hates using phones because of evil robot overlords. He dials studio 60's legal department and patiently waits.*

Receptionist: studio 60 legal department.

Erich: hey. Erich and erica hess. Branson Missouri. 20 felonies. Mostly drug related. One count cattle rustling. One count...um...beastality. we took the cow for a joyride. That's it.

Receptionist: Mr Brown is leaving immediately. He'll be there in six hours. Try not to incriminate yourself further.

Erich: thanks a million.

Receptionist:Mr Brown is estimating a million and half. We'll shoot you the final invoice.

With that Erich is also taken away to be processed and locked away until Mr Brown arrives.
Rockstars don't go to jail. Of course Mr Brown frees them.


Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
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BrownSugar on 18/05/2018(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#5875 Posted : 05 June 2018 11:40:21(UTC)
erich hess
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hess clan shorts.
Tiny scenes from everyday life.

Erica and Gretchen.
Erica and Gretchen are sitting in their cabin. It's the high roller suite that is next door to the fore deck casino. It's a sign of the times when it was built.el everything is pink and black,or mirrored.
They are sitting on boomerang shaped couch.  Erica is carefully painting Gretchen's toenails. They're using a bright red.

Erica: *sticking out her tongue in concentration as she lays a layer of polish on Gretchen's big toe* you know,gretchie, I think these toes could totally get me into the foot fetish thing.

Gretchen: *wiggles her toes* wait until they dry,you do too good a job and I don't want the polish smudged.

Erica: that doesn't say much for how desirable I am. You'd rather have a good toenail polish job than me.

Gretchen: oh don't pout. A half hour and you can suck my toes like the whore that you are.

Erica: *purposely smudges Gretchen's toe*  whatcha going to do about it? Nothing.

Gretchen: now I'm not letting you suck my toes!  They look like shit now.

The pair laugh and Erica now lays with her head in Gretchen's lap while Gretchen lazily plays with her hair.

Gretchen: you know,I'm holding you to that toe sucking later,you know.

Erica: as long as it's single toes only. Nobody looks cute with an entire foot in their mouth.

Gretchen: deal. ...um,I've kinda been wanting you to do that for a long time.

Erica: the foot thing?

Gretchen:*now blushing*  yeah.

Erica: why didn't you ever ask?!

Gretchen: it's embarrassing! I didn't want you to think I'm weird or dirty.

Erica: Gretchen. I've licked your ass while you were dressed as Misty. Weird and dirty isn't something we worry about here.

Gretchen: oh god,that was amazing.

Erica: *sighs* yes it was. Seriously,gretchie. Don't feel weird. It's just feet. It's not like you're going all Josh Grimmie on me.

Gretchen falls silent.

Erica:  um?

Gretchen: see?

Erica: what?

Gretchen: you made it sound like I'm being  weird.

Erica: you want to try that?

Gretchen: not now! I feel like a freak!

Erica: *thinks for awhile and finally takes Gretchen's hand*  I can try. But I usually can't pee if someone is near. So don't feel bad if I can't.

Gretchen: umm..I kinda want to pee on you. God this is weird to say. I don't want you to drink it or anything
Just...you,know. On you.

Erica: ok. Yeah,let's do it.

Gretchen: seriously?

Erica: why the fuck not? It washes off.

Gretchen: wait...why is it cool when I ask,but weird when it's Joshua Grimmie rumors?

Erica: because Joshua Grimmie sucks.

The two laugh and set about making out until they are both.... ready. They strip down and make their way to the bathroom. Entering the shower, Gretchen motions for Erica to kneel.

Gretchen: are you sure?

Erica: *puts her hair behind her shoulders and closes her eyes* fire when ready.

Gretchen: *inhales and.....goes*

Erica: *to her credit, doesn't wince or flinch. Though she keeps her eyes closed .*

Gretchen: *turning the shower on* I ....I can't believe we did that.

Erica:*after feeling the water vs pee ratio on her skin was in water's favor,opens her eyes.* Me either! It was so hot!

Gretchen: really?! I was thinking that is something definitely for the NEVER AGAIN pile.

Erica:*cracking up laughing* no! I meant temperature wise.

Gretchen: thank goodness. I was thinking the sheer wrongness of the act would be great..
.but no. Not at all.  It didn't do a thing for me.

Erica: that was my thinking too.  You know I like it when you....have your way with me. But this? It never felt sexual. It was just you peeing on me.

Gretchen:*covers her face with her hands* I can't believe I peed on you. We NEVER speak of this to anyone.

Erica: agreed...but since I'm already down here  at kitty level....

Erich and karoliena.

The ship is making its way back to Europe from the Branson period of the tour.  The European leg will be far more fun and successful. The war bride always has been extremely popular in Europe,so spirits are high. Erich is leaning on the rail, shirtless with a bandoleer of bullets across his chest. On the open sea, Erich's favorite hobby is shooting floating garbage so that it sinks. He figures he's doing a service. He isn't ,of course. But out of sight,out of mind.
Karoliena sits in a deck chair not too far behind him.  A huge umbrella blocks the sun from her. She burns easily but also feels fans expect her near trademark porcelain skin.
Erich takes aim and shoots a floating glass bottle. The sound sounds extremely muted with such an open environment.

Karoliena: seriously,what is it with Americans and guns?

Erich:I dunno. It's our thing,I guess. you're telling me that castle of yours doesn't have any?

Karoliena: well,of course. My father was a bastard who loved fox hunting. They haven't left the Armory in decades.

Erich: *turning around to face her* you have an Armory,and you're just now telling me?!

Karoliena: it's not something that's on my mind very often.

Erich: well just what the hell is in there?

Karoliena: I dunno. I know there is some old shit down there.

Erich: now you're just teasing me.

Karoliena: *flips hair" enjoy it. There's a lot of people who would pay good money to have me tease them.

Erich: *takes aim at a bucket bobbing in the water*  and here I am getting it for free. I'm living the life,karoliena. Living the fucking life. * Shoots the bucket*

Karoliena:  damn right. *She thinks for a bit, drumming her nails on the arm of the deck chair.*  actually,there is something in the armory you can have.

Erich: *holsters his pistol and nearly squeals with excitement*  yeah? Tell me ,tell me,tell me.

Karoliena: good luck moving it,but I have an old guillotine you can have.

Erich: woman,don't you toy with me.

Karoliena:no, seriously. It's yours. The kids love to play on it and they're getting close to being strong enough to lift the blade. Not to mention,it's sanitary situation is questionable.

Erich: Jesus,it really is like the Addams family up in there..... wait,it's used?

Karoliena: of course it's used! I'm not a sick bastard who would just have a brand new guillotine lying about.its nearly as old as the castle is.

Erich:...like,how used?

Karoliena: bitch,it's fucking free. Don't nit pick over it's condition. It's still functional.do you want it or not?!

Erich: you know what I mean.

Karoliena: * cracks up laughing* oh.. dozens. Hundreds,maybe? You aren't familiar with the history of castle verlinden?

Erich: other than it's current use and occupants,no.

Karoliena: the original owner, Christophe verlinden was like the marque de Sade and lady bathory rolled into one.

Erich: so you come from a very metal lineage?

Karoliena:  very.

Erich: this is going to be so awesome. Never again will I ever struggle with carving the Christmas ham.

Karoliena: I'm sure hundreds of years old dried peasant blood will surely add that holiday flair.


Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
thanks 1 user thanked erich hess for this useful post.
BrownSugar on 05/06/2018(UTC)
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