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Offline RoseJapanFan  
#1 Posted : 08 May 2013 01:49:29(UTC)
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Gia - February 9th, 2013

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Dear Diary,


Sometimes I wonder if my husband loves me. I know he loves me but does he really love me? I feel bad for questioning him but I

can't help but wonder. I haven't been able to have that piece of mind since that day. Even though it's long over, it will never fade. People will

always bring it up as some sort of ammo against me or just because. As cheesy as it sounds, a part of me died that day. That part carried my pride. I

used to brag to everyone about how amazing my life was and how I had that hottest, caring, sweetest, man in the world. Now all I see when I look at him

is a mystery. I don't regret falling in love with him. I just wish nothing ever happened to cause this shift in our marriage. We've been through our

roughest patch so far, and I pray that it doesn't get worse. We both nearly broke so I don't know if we could handle another. It just happened, out of

no where. I never even saw the signs. I wonder if I never found out, would I be happier? Would I just be happy at the fact my husband was cheating on

me but I never even caught him? I don't know. I haven't felt myself lately. I haven't told him this. I've told him how I felt and we went to therapy

but how do I tell him he's caused me to be so paranoid now? I'm afraid he'll find another woman, someone as seductive as her and do it again. I

couldn't take a second round. There's not enough 'I love you's' and 'I'm sorry's' in the world that ever makes a woman forget when her spouse cheated

on her. It's forever in her brain. I don't know, my life has been so calm before, surprisingly, and ever since then, there's something inside of me,

that I hate and it creeps up every now and then. Fear. I'm in fear every day of different things. I'm angry and sad, I'm confused and happy. I can tell

when my husband is happy or not. He'll stay at work later, he'll go other places than home. I wish it wasn't like that but when he wants to be away

from me, I just let him.

Truth be told, I bury myself in work so I don't have to think about life that often. Everything's moved so fast, I haven't had a moment to just sit

and contemplate it. I'm married, with two children and I'm only 25. I have millions of dollars, I run a successful business, I'm not so rough around

the edges anymore, I've changed. The only person I feel I can talk to about everything is my best friend Layla. She's never too busy no matter how

packed her schedule is for the day. She's always been my mom away from mom. She's that sort of person who listens and comforts you no matter what.

I told her about my paranoia and even about Sophie. I still worry one day she'll grow up and realize 'I do not look like either of my parents' and

she'll ask, because she's so smart, and we'll tell her. Then what if she leaves? What if she says 'I love you but I want my real parents?' How do I

deal with that? I look at her every day and she looks like a mini Andrea walking around our house. She's stubborn and smart, beautiful and funny. I

can't picture life without my Sophie. I can't understand though. I would have never given her away but I guess it couldn't be helped. I've always been

strong and stubborn but I feel weak. I don't believe in perfection but I wanted my life to finally be headed to that stage. I've been through so much

I just wanted my happiness. I don't have anyone else like Layla to depend on. She's always there no matter what. I don't blame my other friends but

I've always tried to be there. It's funny, some of them are there when I don't need to be but when I really need them, they're no where to be found.

I guess that's a sign. I'm really fighting this battle alone. So how do I overcome and win? It's almost midnight now and Bailey's crying out. I'm

smiling because I feel like I'm wanted. Maybe it will get better. Until then, I'll confide in this little book, never to be known by the world.


OOC: This is an idea I've been thinking of and it seemed like a good one. Basically, if you want, you can post up diary entries from your characters talking about anything they don't really want or need to say aloud. This can be a great way to understand some of the personalities around here but it's only if you want to. There's really no limit to how much you can post or how long, whatever you feel. I just ask not a lot of pictures because it might take longer to load and stuff and no exceedingly large images, gifs, etc. Also remember, no one else sees these entries so you cannot use it against someone in a rp or anything unless you've gotten permission. Comments are allowed but OOC since the characters can't see them. Any comments or concerns, feel free to pm me. I originally was going to keep this just for my characters but I thought it could be a good way of interacting and understanding other characters.

Edited by moderator 10 October 2018 22:19:27(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

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Offline GirlSpice  
#2 Posted : 08 May 2013 02:26:35(UTC)
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OOC: Amazing! I love this idea, I've often wondered how we can add more depth to a character and really know their inner thoughts more, but never really knew how to go about it, so this is the perfect solution for that. :)
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RoseJapanFan on 08/05/2013(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#3 Posted : 08 May 2013 03:01:55(UTC)
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Dear diary,it's me,Margaret. I'm just kidding its me,Erica! Well,my natycakes is pregnant,we still had some Sam juice in the freezer,so.....yeah. On one hand I am so happy and cannot wait to have a child of my own... But it won't be my own. I will have no biological attachment to him/her. It will be no more mine than Nichole's children will be. With naty and sam's child,I'll just be a glorified god parent. It has only been a few days,and I can feel the jealousy boiling in me. In my heart I know Natalya is doing this for us....but a small part of me thinks she is doing it just to prove she can do it. To prove she is a better woman than I. I hate myself for even entertaining these thoughts. I guess I am not as over my miscarriage as I thought. Oh..what if naty loses hers too? I couldn't take it twice,I just couldn't....worse yet,what if...what if I am not sad? What if deep down,I want her to have the hurt I did? She wasn't there for me when I needed her most. She did not Even know I was in the hospital after my...incident.

I need to get it together. There is no way Natalya is doing this for any other reason than for us. I would be devastated if naty had to go through what I did.i will love this child. no matter what, Natalya and I are his or her parents. On a side note...what if Natalya and I stop seeing each other as sexy,young women and start seeing each other as "moms"? I don't want to lose the incredible..and I do mean INCREDIBLE sex life we enjoy. Even when we aren't going at it,we still are holding hands or somehow touching each other. I don't want to lose that intimacy. I don't know what to do. I'm a fucking mess.
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Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
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Offline genocidal king  
#4 Posted : 08 May 2013 04:35:41(UTC)
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OOC: I bloody love Erica. So many layers and such depth in emotion on such a little chick.
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Offline mebeme101  
#5 Posted : 08 May 2013 05:02:14(UTC)
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Dear Diary, today is just another one of those days one where I feel like just giving up but it's like that everyday nothing ever really changes nothing is ever going to change no matter how much I want things to change they'll always just be the same people will always tell me how terrible of a person I am and bring up all of the mistakes I've made that'll never change looking back I am a very terrible person and I have made some of the biggest mistakes that I could probably never fix and I know that I'll continue making terrible mistakes because well I'm Andrea I just can't seem to do anything right and if I ever did do anything right people will still bring up the wrong things I've done so it doesn't matter it just seems like people are always trying to tear me down and hurt me and all I can really do is pretend to be ok I just smile through it all the sad part is nobody can make me feel better not even my husband actually he makes it worse sometimes he makes me feel so replaceable which I guess I am I mean everybody else who said they love me has replaced me I guess I've just never bee good enough for love and I doubt I ever will be I don't know why but it seems it'll just always be that way forever I mean I guess Billy isn't the worst husband ever he's only really physically hurt me twice there are other women out there who go through worse with physical pain from there husband or boyfriends it's not the physical pain that gets to me much though more of the emotional pain Billy along with so many other people have made me feel terrible about myself made me feel ugly, worthless just not good enough I mean he says I'm beautiful and that he loves me but some of the things he's said and done well it makes me feel like he doesn't I'll never forget the time that he told Andros that he was the sexiest thing he's ever seen that'll probably stay with me forever or the time after all of that stuff with Andros happened and Billy was back with me Andros called me some of the worst things that actually made me nearly end it all that day but Billy stood up for me that didn't last long because not long after he asked Andros to go with him for drinks that killed me but it didn't end there he ended up getting mad at me for feeling bad about that I guess I was being kind of bitchy about it though but still there was also the time when he missed Daniel being born to hang out with Scott who he knows hates me everyone knows Scott hates me he came home after Daniel was born and he was drunk which wasn't really a surprise he's always drunk but this time I was just so mad he missed our sons birth to be with somebody that hates me we argued that night and it was the first time he had ever hit me he then said I deserved it but apologized later there are some men that don't even do that so again I guess that he's not really the worst recently there has also been something else about Billy that upset me a lot more pictures of him naked got leaked normally I would argue and fight about this but I'm done arguing and I'm done fighting I'm done trying to make things better because they never will be better no matter what happens there's only one reason I can actually say I have to live anymore and that is Daniel he's the only person in this world that can actually make me happy anymore I thank God for him every day he really is a little blessing
My Acts

Layla Sanchez|AJ|Brandon Grey|PRÓXIMO|Carmen V|SZ|DREAM

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Offline erich hess  
#6 Posted : 08 May 2013 05:12:44(UTC)
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Ooc:thanks,mr king. She is definitely the most human of my creations. Andrea makes me feel so sorry to her. I want to shake her and say wake the fuck up,Billy's an ass!
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Offline RoseJapanFan  
#7 Posted : 08 May 2013 05:44:49(UTC)
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OOC: I sometimes feel sorry for Andrea but I also feel like she should man up :P She's gotta pull out that Southern fire under her and let Billy know what's up. As for Erica, well all of your characters are awesome so I didn't expect anything less.
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Offline BrownSugar  
#8 Posted : 08 May 2013 08:08:33(UTC)
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Everyone hates me. It's now just a well known fact, common knowledge. I don't feel sorry for myself, if anything I agree with everyone else. I despise myself, I loathe myself. I'm a terrible person and no matter how many times I apologise, make up for my wrongdoings and say that I'm going to change, my old ways always seem to come back and completely fuck up everything. Andrea deserves better and so does Daniel. I love them both with all my heart but I guess I just have a really odd way of showing it. I remember saying from a very young age that I did not want marriage and children. I was sickened by the very thought of those and vowed to be single forever, play the field and not enter any type of relationship which involved lots of responsibilities. That was until I met Andrea. As cheesy and cliche as it seems, it really was love at first sight....well at least on my part anyway. I tried to fight it off and was angry with myself for falling for someone but after I came to terms with it and admitted how I really felt, my life was one hundred times happier. My wedding day was one of the best days of my life and the day Daniel was born...even though I missed it due to being an idiot fucktard, was still the happiest day of my life. I have a gorgeous wife and an amazing baby boy. Who in their right mind would mess something like that up? Nobody.....apart from me.

This is no excuse, I really should get some help but one of the biggest reasons for my rocky relationship is my bi-polar disorder. One minute I'm happy and enjoying life, the next minute I want to put someone through a wall. I don't know what it is that sets me off, I really don't. I got angry with Andrea because she was yelling at me and I flew off into a rage but just one week ago, Oscar spilled a glass of water over in my kitchen and I had exactly the same reaction. It scares me because I have no control over it. Once I become enraged, a red mist just comes over my eyes and I attack everything in sight. I honestly have no control over myself and have no idea what I'm doing. Once I have calmed down, the whole rage becomes a blur. It's like I am a completely different person. A few times, I have snapped out of my rage and noticed that Andrea has bruises and cuts on her. I don't remember hitting her and would never dream of doing so but once I'm in that angered state of mind, all bets are off. This terrifies me. I wish I was locked up. I hate hurting Andrea, I never intend to and I certainly don't get pleasure out of it. One day, Daniel might innocently get in the way and the frightens the shit out of me. I wouldn't lay a finger on my son and couldn't live with myself if I harmed a hair on his head. That's why I think it's better if him and Andrea moved away.

As for the naked pictures...that's just me being a dirty bastard. I let my dick do the thinking and I don't take the consequences into consideration. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to do it right. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to be in a constant state of confusion and delusion. It would be better for everyone if I just end it all.
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Offline TishaJackson!!!!  
#9 Posted : 08 May 2013 12:55:57(UTC)
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Tisha - May 7th, 2013


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Dear Diary,


Well it is a hectic time to be me. I am so busy with releasing this new album. So much of me was put into it; I just want everyone to understand it. Thoughts run through my mind daily of where I have to be next, but that is the biz. Times like this I wish I had a decent male in my life. Sure, I have my dad when he is ready to be cool. But I’m talking about a man to call my own. Things in my past relationship was so terrible, I am even scared to talk about it in public without Dominic freaking out. And there is kind of a new guy in my life, his name is Ramon, he is a rapper/producer. He is one of the sweetest guys I’ve met. There’s just one problem, he moves too damn slow. I don’t want to be the chaser; it doesn’t make me look good. No, I refuse to be, I won’t be this time.


A lot has changed in my life in the last year. I went to rehab, which was a bust. I wish I would’ve just went cold turkey and talked to a therapist/doctor. It was a waste of my fucking time. I haven’t touched alcohol in seven months. HOWEVER that doesn’t mean I won’t drink in the future. I am CHOOSING not to drink now because I don’t feel the need to. But in the future if I want to drink to socialize, I don’t want to be judged for it. I hate when people judge others, THAT IS ONE THING I’VE NEVER DONE. You never know where you will end up, how can you judge someone.


I feel like I’ve been blessed with so much, but I am still lonely. I used say I didn’t want to be married and a mother until after I was thirty and well settled in my life and career, but I wouldn’t mind finding a good guy now. I want to find someone who I can love through thick and thin and vice versa. Somebody who will always be here. I wonder sometimes, why is God taking so long with him? Will I ever meet him? Have I ever met him? Maybe he was Dominic? I don’t know. I miss him, but he has someone else, and I am seeing other guys so…


I want to be kissed, I want to be made loved to, I want a lot. But most of all, right now, I want this album to come out and KICK ASS! I am tired of being so underrated. People think that I am all about sales but I am not, sure I do pull good numbers, but I don’t feel people take me as serious as they should, even though I write and produce my own music myself, as well as others. And I’ve written and directed my first film to be released this fall. I want people to realize that I have it, the numbers show it, but people love to hate what I do so much, or question is it really me behind the scenes. I love what I do, and that’s all that matters, right? Until next time.

Edited by user 08 May 2013 12:57:04(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

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Offline genocidal king  
#10 Posted : 08 May 2013 19:17:19(UTC)
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Words! Hi!

It's Eilidh here. Do you want to know what my favourite word in the whole wide world is? Shazam! It's so fun to say and also it's magic! Shazam! I never had a diary when I was little because my mommy said I didn't get allowed to have secrets because they were bad and you grow a tail if you keep secrets. Oscar said that wasn't real and bought me a diary yay! It's pink and has lots of paper in it, but I'm not going to fill it all right now because I want to write in it later when I meet a real kangaroo at last and shake his paw.

I want to tell everyone a story of what I got asked to do the other day for a job! It was so exciting and means I can do some....oh wait, Roo is crying, I'll finish the story when I come back....awww she was sad because she needed some milk. She's happy now! One time we went to the shops and she cried for a while, but the only thing made her happy was the scary tiger on a box of Frosties. She threw her teddy bear away and then I didn't know so we had to get her a new one later. I wish Roo had red hair like me....but Oscar said that's not allowed until she gets older because you can't dyed a baby's hair. I still don't understand why she wasn't borned with red hair when I have red hair but when I think about it too much it makes my head feel like a kangaroo is boxing it from inside so I have to stop.

I think in diaries I am supposed to write all about my friends in school and stuff. But I don't go to school so I don't know if I am supposed to write about that. I'll try. When I was in school I had only one friend who liked me. Her name was Tara and she was lovely to me and she never used to hit me or call me a name like all of the other girls used to do. They used to pull my hair and call me "smelly Eilidh" and say that I was a mommy's girl and dumb. But Tara never did that. I was sad when I got too old to imagine her anymore and she had to go away. Now for a long time I didn't have any friends at all except my mommy, until I met Oscar.

Also are you supposed to write a bit about a boyfriend in here too? My first ever boyfriend ever was called Kato. He didn't know that he was my boyfriend, but my mommy let me have one poster in my room and it was a poster of him when he was first doing songs and I used to wish that I could meet him and say SHARKS! Wait, sharks are on TV, so I have to go and watch, those are my favourite apart from kangaroos, I'll be back soon. Nom nom nom, sharkies are funny, they like to munch on things and sometimes people. When they bite people, and then people sometimes die, then other people is always saying kill all the sharks, but I don't like that. People knows there are sharks in the water and that's where the sharks live and if you go in there and a hungry shark munches you then it isn't the sharks fault. If I was going to my bath and there was a shark in there and I went in and then that shark bited me, then I would say ouch, but then Oscar would come and tell me that I shouldn't have gone in there when there was a shark in there. It's the same!

Also, I was speaking on the tweeters to my new friend...I don't remember her name but she has the red hair too! Then we were talking about animals and she said that in America that people are killing the trees that the doggies live in and now the doggies are all dying. People shouldn't do that. People don't need trees because we live in a house, but those doggies live near the trees so we should leave the trees alone and make the doggies ok. I was sad when she told me this and I was crying for a while. Then I told my readers on tweeter and some of them said they would write a note to the president...I don't remember his name. I think it's Barrat or something like that. I will write one too and then I can get Oscar to send it for me.

When I was older though, I didn't think that kato was my boyfriend anymore, and then I did a bad thing and my mommy took my poster away. Don't tell no one diary, but I said the bad word for butt, and that's why I wasn't allowed a poster anymore. One time though, I went on to Big Brother TV show and then I thought I met someone who could be a boyfriend in there. He had a lot tattoos and stuff and he was a nice boy. But then he wasn't so nice sometimes because he was drinking lots of beer so I stayed away a little bit. But then I met my best friend ever ever and his name was Mr Erich and he was on Big Brother too. He was funny and we did a lot of pranks and stuff. Sometimes he was speaking about things I didn't understand, and one time we were hiding in a cupboard for two days! No one even found us and then we came out and then I winned. But I gave all the money to people who look after animals because I didn't need it. Then I got a real boyfriend and his name is Oscar. Oscar never makes me sad cept one time when he punched Dusty. He looks after me more than my mommy did, and he never takes my money away like my mommy used to when I went on TV.

I love Oscar and soon we will get married and then we will be happy forever. Sometimes though....I get worried. I know I'm not very smart....and sometimes I think that maybe he would want a girl who is smarter and also has like good looks and stuff too. I should not think these things because he is always lovely to me. I just get scared sometimes. He is the sweetest though and also we have Roo and she is the bestest baby ever. I named her after a baby kangaroo called Roo because it's a brilliant name. I would like a pouch to carry her around but I don't have one like a mommy kangaroo. Sometimes we dance when Oscar is at work to songs like Isabel and GirlSpice but then when there is music on I feel like I hear the phone ringing and when I stop the phone isn't ringing so I think it is a prank and I stop the music altogether.

WAIT! iCarly is one my TV now. I will write more some other time, ok? Ok diary I love you and I love Roo and also Oscar. I gotta go now bye!

Loads of love and little hugs,

Eilidh xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


OOC: Obviously supposed to be all over the place and weird.
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Offline BrownSugar  
#11 Posted : 08 May 2013 19:27:37(UTC)
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OOC: Loved this, the Tara thing really threw me off :P Imagine if Eilidh and Dustyn bred.
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Offline genocidal king  
#12 Posted : 08 May 2013 19:38:40(UTC)
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OOC: Thanks :) I love writing as Eilidh, there's almost literally no need to think about what I write and just smash it out :P lol the Tara thing was just random, Eilidh seems like the sort of person who would have an imaginary friend, though.
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Matticus on 08/05/2013(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#13 Posted : 08 May 2013 22:10:55(UTC)
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Ooc: love eilidh. She is hilarious,yet very tragic. I was hoping to see her here.
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Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
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genocidal king on 08/05/2013(UTC)
Offline genocidal king  
#14 Posted : 08 May 2013 22:34:10(UTC)
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OOC: I never realised how tragic it was til you mentioned it then I read it back haha. She is mostly oblivious to tragedy though :P
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We are not a foolers!
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erich hess on 08/05/2013(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#15 Posted : 09 May 2013 00:47:31(UTC)
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Originally Posted by: genocidal king Go to Quoted Post
OOC: I never realised how tragic it was til you mentioned it then I read it back haha. She is mostly oblivious to tragedy though :P


Ooc: she was too damaged for even erich hess to hit on. Though that would have made for some good big bro watching


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Nina sangria drake



Sometimes castor irritates the shit out of me. I would never admit this to another living soul,but he does. Don't get me wrong, I love the man dearly. Hell,I love him enough to have given him the only virginity I had left. I can't say I particularly liked it...but I'd do it every night for him.

That being said,love....sometimes the things he says makes me feel stupid. I remember one time the knob on the tap broke,water went EVERYWHERE! I joked on twitter I was going to blame his daughter. And he was all like " you think I can't see this? It's on twitter." Does he really think I am so bloody dense,I don't know how the fucking Internet works? Fuck,kid,I was on the Internet when you were still in primary school. Lately I kinda irked him by having nude and topless photos taken. I do understand how men Probably don't like other men looking at their wives and thinking " I'd give her a good rogering." I am pretty sure I get eye fucked at least a few times a day by other men. It happens. I seriously doubt castor hasn't given Nichole a good eye rogering. I've seen how she dresses playing that piano,love. Hell,I would too. She's bloody hot. Castor doesn't appreciate having porn attached to your name. When you look up nina sangria on google images,the 4th pic is me sucking a dick. The pictures I took recently were important to me. I was nude,yes. But it was on MY terms. Doing it felt like I was reclaiming my body. Like it or not my daughter WILL see naked pictures of me eventually. I would rather it be images I was completely in control of,rather than me being young and needing money. If he can't see this reasoning for himself,me explaining it won't help either. In the end,I pussed out and used a non nude picture. I didnt want to fight and had it taken in case the first pic of me and the dog was too much. Oh I hope castor never finds this diary.he will divorce me!......of take me up on that offer of nightly anal.
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Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
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Offline DistortedAudio  
#16 Posted : 09 May 2013 01:00:45(UTC)
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Dear Day Journal,

Day 149:


For the 148th night I've woken up in my bed alone, and I just kinda laid there for an hour trying to remember why I should get up. Its been about 149 days since we broke up, and for the past 149 days I haven't felt right. I haven't recorded, I feel like my performances have been worse than usual. I feel like a shadow. But, at least my acting seems to have benefited from it.

After a friend recommended I start some-sort of writing to move on, I began to think. In that final conversation before we split, there were only four responses that I could think of right off the bat. I think only one of them would've kept us going for even one more day. So the chances of us lasting one more day were 25%. I had a 1 in 4 shot of keeping us going and I blew it and I've been paying for it in 24 hour increments.

So for the past 149 days I've been leaving my room/tourbus/shell with a mask on. One to perform with. One to impress with. One to live with.

16 days ago I took a chance, my second of such. I met someone nice, and funny, and god she reminds me of her. That laughing from the nice times, the silences where we just looked at each other wondering if time, and life and chance could really have placed two people next to each other in such a circumstance.

16 days ago I left my room. 16 days ago I woke up without a feeling of emptiness for the first time in months. Its been 16 days and I think I'm ready to start-over again.

Edited by user 09 May 2013 01:02:32(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

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I feel numb, born with a weak heart
I guess I must be having fun


EARN BY WORKING LIKE A DOG
SPEND LIKE ROYALTY
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Offline RoseJapanFan  
#17 Posted : 09 May 2013 09:13:42(UTC)
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Dear Diary,

Sometimes I get so sick of people. They just make it really hard to carry on and it's not even all their fault. Sometimes I just don't want to carry one. I feel bad because I make all these songs and quotes about being better and ignoring others but it's hard. Even so, I somehow find the strength to keep going. I have a good support system; my family and friends. I've had to cut back on friends lately because they weren't who I needed to be around. I've managed to keep one childhood friend, and that's Izzy. She's always there for me despite her chaotic schedule. I had other friends but they left when things got really challenging.

This year has been different from the last. I've been able to get back on track with my music and even managed to find love again. It wasn't planned, it just happened. I guess it was inevitable since we're just drawn to each other. I feel like we're kind of distant though, not just physically but we don't communicate enough. He just doesn't tell me everything and I usually have to find out with everyone else. It's annoying but maybe he has his reasons. I just don't want to be with someone who can't feel honest and open around me. We recently talked about living together but since we haven't been together long, I don't want to rush into it. I want things to take time and go slow so everything feels natural and not forced. I bet he feels pressured since the rest of his group members are all settled down with children but I can't see that for me for a while. I'd hate to keep him from that if he really wants it now but is it really worth it if I'm miserable?

I really want to go somewhere with my career now. I've been able to transfer all my emotions into this amazing album that has been so successful. I'm shocked by it all but I'm really blessed. I thought people would have written me off a long time ago but it just goes to show that your true fans never really leave you. I'm now working on my summer tour which will last about 3 months. I've been making lots of lifestyle changes, I'm eating better, I'm taking care of my body now. I just feel really good right now and ready to tour the world and perform. I guess all it took for me to make it out of my pit was believing in myself and just pushing through the pain. I amaze even myself.
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Offline snap_itshannah  
#18 Posted : 09 May 2013 14:06:53(UTC)
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Dear Diary,


It's odd that nobody ever mentions it. Not that I would want them to, it's not exactly something that I like to think about and relive over and over again. I still can't even say it outloud: I was kidnapped. I was tied up in a basement. And I shot my kidnapper. These things happened. It's like something out of a fucking HBO show. I don't know why nobody, not even my own husband, wants to even acknowledge that it happened. Do they think that I'll get over it faster if I just don't think about it? Because they're wrong. I think about it every day. Every fucking hour of the day, at that. It's not just being kidnapped that I think about; It's afterwards as well. It's when I was in the hospital and was talking to the police about it. I didn't mention all the things that happened to me when I was there, but they already knew. I sneaked a peak at the police report he was writing up. "Medical examines show signs of sexual abuse." And just like that, I felt my heart sink. It doesn't matter that almost nobody will ever look at that report again. The captor is dead, case closed, right? What matters is that it's now written in history that I was kidnapped and raped. That's not something you can erase. No amount of white-out could take away that fact. And now it's official. It's Police Report Official...

He used to tell me things about his childhood. About his mother, specifically. She was really nice to him. After his father would beat him, his mother would bring him milk and a slice a marble bread to his bedroom and sing to him. He told me that when I sang, I sounded like his mother... Then his mom died for stomach cancer when he was twelve. Then it was just him and his father, and there wasn't anymore marble bread, and all the flowers in their backyard died because nobody else knew how to tend to them and his father wasn't a very nice man not very nice at all actually and sometimes he would forget that his mother was dead and he would wait for the milk and bread in his room, but it never came and after the police took me from the house, I stole the picture of his mother from his fireplace mantle. I keep it in my purse now. Sometimes I look at it and remember all of that. I don't remember much of actually being in the house, but I do remember talking to him about his family and about his mother and about marble bread, and then I get really sad, but when I look at the picture, I don't feel as sad anymore because I know that even through bad times, there are spots of good times, and I just need to find those good times before the bad times eat me alive...


5/8/2013

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NOW STREAMING
See, I've got this theory that
The idea of a tornado
Is more dangerous than the real thing
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Offline erich hess  
#19 Posted : 10 May 2013 07:43:53(UTC)
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Erich hess


Dear diary,I am writing to you on the off chance that bastard,Erwin Rommel, steals these thoughts from my head. He was a crafty son of a bitch. They don't dole out nicknames like "the desert fox" all willy nilly. Oh no no no. You gotta earn that mother fucker. He wasnt nicknamed " stinky" or "booger", or "captain O.G. Readmore". He was the desert fox. He was Jerry and he was confusing YOU at every turn! Now Ada claims old Erwin wasnt an evil nazi bastard. In fact,he was involved with a plot to kill that one guy..what is his name? Had a funny mustache? Meh,it's unimportant. I'm sure nobody else remembers him either. Her charming theory may be true,but he is the only opponent worthy of me. I know it,and Rommel knows it. So back to the diary entry. Diary entry. Sound dangerously close to diarrhea . We ALL know that diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you. One time I was siting outside of a Montreal Denny's ,trying to score some weed,as you do. This car pulls up,and I am pretty sure its my contact. I hop in the passenger side door,which is our agreed upon action for this nefarious transmission of money for goods.....I probably could have gotten some "services" in addition to goods. My contact was a rather cute,if horrifyingly blonde girl. I do not like blondes. I don't trust the way their hair lacks color. It is probably some funky disease that is highly contagious. Ive seen Erica with blonde hair since dating chesty larue ...though Ada could pull it off. She'd look pretty with a clown Afro and wearing a garbage bag. Oh,sorry. I got side tracked. So I hop in the car and am faced by the very not blonde,very not drug dealer,very not female ....bing Crosby. Yes,THAT bing Crosby,americas dad.As if you know any other bings? Shut the fuck up,your uncle mort doesn't have a friend,who has an uncle,who once lived beside a man,who on a brisk July day fucked a woman, who birthed a son,who later broke his ankle on a swingset shared by a girl ,who's father went to church with a man,who bought a garden gnome at a garage sale hosted by a woman,who worked as a dominatrix ,who worked with a man,who once saw two dogs doing it in his neighbors yard,who just happened to be a registered sex offender,who molested a little boy,who wore a striped shirt he bought from k mart,where the guy in the sporting goods section,knew a guy who dated a girl,who had a cousin who once drove past a diner where the cook's name was bing. Bullshit,it didnt happen!.There is only one bing. And that's Cosby,motherfucker...Crosby,I mean. So there i am,cash in hand,looking at fucking bing Crosby! He naturally asks if I have any immodium. I am like "no.but this is Montreal,it's practically crawling in anti diarrheal medication.". Old bing gets this panicked look on his face,you know the kind usually reserved for finding out your sex partner died 20 minutes ago,and you will haven't came...so you keep going? He has look just like that on his face. "I...can't... Wait that long." Bing whispers. I hear a slight "bloorp" sound,and then all hell breaks loose. We're inside bings old Mercedes. It's a lovely one too. Lovely,but leather seats don't really absorb liquid. In sheer seconds he is sitting waist deep in poo. I shit you not....get it? Ha ha ha. I crack myself up sometimes. At this point,the drivers side floor board is starting to fill. In seconds it will crest the hump and MY feet will be soaked in bings boople. I finally just ask," so......you aren't going to sell me any weed,are you?" I thus learned the true meaning of Arbor Day,and laughed with the velveteen rabbit as all the other toys were burned. There was something about a shoe horn in a place shoe horns should never be,in there too. But hell if I can remember....DAMN IT! I knew Rommel was going to steal my thoughts if I didn't write them down!
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Offline Princess_Valentine  
#20 Posted : 27 May 2013 14:19:46(UTC)
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The Purger - May 26th, 2013


Dear Reader,

Everything seems to be going according to plan. The cops suspect faulty wiring as the cause of the fire. Only you and I know the truth.
DominicBrown.com|KourtneyMusic.com|BrielleNielsen|LeslieNielsen|LexiMarieTaylor.com|HarmonySparks|JordanSnow|DerekRamirez

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