logo
Welcome Guest! To enable all features please Login or Register.

Notification

Icon
Error
6 Pages«<3456>
TRSG Diaries: A Compilation of Some of Your Favorite Character's Real Thoughts - Erich Hess' Entry <---- NEW!
Options
Go to last post Go to first unread
Previous Topic Next Topic
Offline freestylechamp  
#81 Posted : 12 September 2014 07:42:56(UTC)
freestylechamp
Rank:: Advanced Member

Groups: Registered
Joined: 13/07/2013(UTC)
Posts: 7,116
Man
United States

Thanks: 9247 times
Was thanked: 6094 time(s) in 2656 post(s)
UserPostedImage
9/11/2014
Chris Journal, not a dairy


Man I'm going to just vent right now since I don't very have anything else to do at the moment. I'm depress. Nothing makes me happy like it use too, and I know I'm depress right now. What I don't need is extra pressure from other people. Don't ask me what is wrong, why I look so sad. I could understand if you don't really know me and you don't know how I am and everything but YOU of all people known me since we were kids. YOU should know me, I don't need YOU of all people asking me dumb questions like "What's wrong? Why don't you tell me so I can fix it, You aren't happy?" You seen me happy, you seen my angry, everything in between so why are you going to ask me that. Another thing that I just want to get off my chest, I would love to find a girl that would just use me right now. I don't want to be attach emotionally I don't want to snuggle just treat me like a flesh dildo and let me go. Because when I do get in relationship something fucks up in the middle of it and it's always "This is my..." Cause what am I to them? I'm not "boyfriend material" whatever that means and I'm not something that they are going to get a plus from. Everything is middle class at best, I'm funny but I'm never serious about shit, I'm nice but also a "pervy jerk?" (the fuck is that?) but I am is that guy who will be good for a fuck and that's all. Fine if that's it than I would much father know that shit up front. Instead I'm telling people I have a "girlfriend," and you saying "he's just a friend?" I'm okay with being a friend I'm okay with being fuck buddies, but don't cross signals then be pissed that I got the wrong message. All of this really deals with YOU and YOU know who you ARE, I shouldn't have to constantly second guess our relationship every time HE comes around and then you just back away from like your guilty of something. What are you acting for. He knew that WE dated, broke up and stay friends. I can do that, I'm not this immature kid that you always think of every time you think of me. I have grown up from that childish shit. But I don't know if you have.

Banners:
UserPostedImage
UserPostedImage
Back to top
thanks 5 users thanked freestylechamp for this useful post.
mebeme101 on 12/09/2014(UTC), erich hess on 12/09/2014(UTC), stephaniewazhere on 12/09/2014(UTC), snap_itshannah on 12/09/2014(UTC), RoseJapanFan on 12/09/2014(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#82 Posted : 31 October 2014 12:41:55(UTC)
erich hess
Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Moderators, Registered
Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC)
Posts: 42,618
Man
United States
Location: representing the 954

Thanks: 21681 times
Was thanked: 17917 time(s) in 10411 post(s)
UserPostedImage


is it wrong i never feel guilty? i dont feel guilty for basically ditching nina chan. i feel slightly guilty for basically using daisy as an "well i already fucked someone. why not go for who i really want now?" sort of thing. but not enough to really put much thought into her. besides,she is dating jayne now. whom i do know and i fully think will treat her right. daisy deserves this. i think everyone in the big brother house loved her. but jayne will be IN love with her. i have known jayne since i was a teenager. i had her pegged as gay years ago.i guess she just had to meet the right person. she knew the mariko that was.

the mariko that was...i am not going to lie. my marriage fucked me up more than i care to think. vara's family can be loud,and loud voices still make me cringe. vara once grabbed my hair during one of ....those times. i couldnt even enjoy her passion as all i could think was "my face is going into the wall again." . of course,vara chan would never do such a thing. she is very kind and loving. i know this is hard for a lot of people to fathom,but she really is. even when we were just friends,i wanted someone to love me like vara loved trent. i think vara is a lot like me. when she loves someone,she loves them totally. but when they let her down? they cease to exist. i was hesitant to ever get into any sort of relationship with vara because i was worried : A.i would be just place holder for trent. or B:i would read more into it than she did. i have read what people said about big brother. that i was hopping from one bed to the next. that is not true. vara chan and i have always shared a connection.i cannot say as to why, but we do. she hated me at first. i am sure she just let trent stay with me because i wasnt pretty enough to steal him away....not that i would want to. trent was lovely. but it would be like fucking my brother. ew, and no.

so why did i do nina like i did?....i pride myself on being brutally honest. my sister will pussyfoot around things,but not me. with nina,it was simply too little,too late. the wedge of separation had already been started. when i had to find out about her issues from culture uncut,i could not help but be slighted. however,i do not bear ill will towards her. i would still hang out with her and want her as a friend....but i am too petrified to even ask her if this is possible. plus,vara makes a good point of it still being early. it would be disrespectful to vara to be too communicative with nina. i want nina to find someone. she is a wonderful person,she is fun,she is funny,and she is beautiful to boot .a real catch. just not for me. i know she probably hates me for what i did to her. i know she is not the sort to just say she loves some for the sake of saying it. i honestly do not know how i would even explain myself to her. hopefully i never will have to. we both seem to be ok with not speaking of what happened.

honestly,i went into big brother with full intent of being faithful...but seeing vara? i know it would be very hard.i resisted more than i thought i would. i honestly wanted to be with her the first night,but only providing she wanted more than sex. i haved fucked too many girls just for sex...i pretty much wish i could take them all back. i remember once with faith,and once with....some girl from cherry street.i am sure there were others too.i did not even know who faith was until i saw her with nichole's kids. that was an awkward conversation. anyways,vara. i know a lot of people thought she was just going to use me,then ditch me after the show. even my own sister thought this. i am NOT as naive as people think i am. i understand hitomi was worried about me. but let us be honest vara is nothing like nichole. who i do love like a sister as well....but she knows exactly how to manipulate hitomi and has. vara has never done such a thing. vara is honest with her intentions. when vara kept her word that we would live together after big brother,my sister was satisfied. living with vara has been...well,its been perfect. she really is my best friend and the person i love most. i miss my home of japan,but i think it is a fair trade for my happiness here in italy. every day is better than the one before it. even if we are just sitting around the house,it feels like disney world could erupt at any second. she is my vara chan,and i love her...this would probably all make more sense if i had not had that extra bottle of wine. it is not my fault,vara knows the BEST places for food and drink.
UserPostedImage
UserPostedImage
"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.
Back to top
thanks 5 users thanked erich hess for this useful post.
BrownSugar on 31/10/2014(UTC), RoseJapanFan on 31/10/2014(UTC), snap_itshannah on 31/10/2014(UTC), freestylechamp on 31/10/2014(UTC), kandii on 13/11/2014(UTC)
Online BrownSugar  
#83 Posted : 02 November 2014 13:27:55(UTC)
BrownSugar
Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Moderators, Registered
Joined: 18/02/2011(UTC)
Posts: 27,668
Man
United Kingdom
Location: In between the couch cushions

Thanks: 11111 times
Was thanked: 19124 time(s) in 7592 post(s)
"How do I break it to them that I'm leaving?"

UserPostedImage

You really know that things need to be changed when laying in a hospital bed has been the highlight of the last few months. Sure, collapsing and cracking my head opened was not a joyous occasion and it hurt like hell after waking up but having to rest under the doctor's orders, break away from all of the drama in the band and be allowed to actually have my own thoughts and feelings again is absolutely bliss. I know that you should never take your health for granted and take liberties in situations like this but hearing that I'm being discharged on Monday just makes me want to throw myself down another flight of stairs. I know that when I step out of here everyone will pussyfoot around me for a day so that they don't seem like they're being dickheads to someone who is injured but after that it'll all go back to square one again. I'll lose my identity, tempers will flare over the tiniest things, the press will poke their noses in, rumors will spread...basically everything will be DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA. I seem to be at a very important stage in someone else's life. So many huge events happening right now and over the next few months but none of it feels right for me. I've been going on autopilot ever since I left the Big Brother house and in the blink of an eye, I'm now about to become a father, we topped the charts yet again and are finally about to release an album. I'm not prepared for any of that and some things, quite frankly, I do not want.

There are many things that I regret doing as part of The Stat Nerds but I wouldn't change a thing as it has taught me many valuable lessons. I've made three friends for life and wouldn't have had this whole butterfly effect going on right now if it wasn't for the band. Celebrity Big Brother, presenting deals, my lovely housemates/best friends and I wouldn't have met Gabriela if I wasn't travelling around the world with the boys. Despite some of the controversy surrounding us, I always felt "safe" as a member of TSN. We were put together, looked after, polished off, given a platform and support by a major label, immediately earned a loyal (and fearsome) group of fans and we make radio-friendly pop tunes. We aren't pushing musical boundaries, we never ventured off on our own and felt like we united as one. I like to refer to me and the boys as brothers and the TSN project as school. As The Stat Nerds, we learned everything we know from respected teachers, grew up during it, experienced lots of new and exciting things, met different characters, made friends, had our scraps in the schoolyard, developed our writing techniques and by the end of it, hopefully we will have attained key skills that will be crucial in the rest of our lives and more importantly, we will have figured out who we are and what we really want. That's the thing, I already have. I've enjoyed my time and will have many fond memories but I feel as though there's nothing left for me there. Jerry, Dennis and Brian are still like three little brothers to me but there comes a time when you have to take that big step. You have to pack your bags and leave home, stepping out into the big bad world alone. That's not to say I will turn my backs on them completely. They are still family and I will support them until the day I die but I feel as if it's time to focus on myself. Trouble is, how do I break it to them that I'm leaving?

There are multiple reasons why I have decided to part ways from the band. Laying in my hospital bed, I weighed up the pros and cons and unfortunately, the negative really outweighed the positive. Going back to the idea of us all uniting as one, as nice as it seems, I started to feel like I had no identity and as someone who takes performing, entertaining and who has a lot to offer it is a bit of a slap in the face. Most people sighed when they found out I was entering Big Brother. As far as the world was concerned I was "one of The Stat Nerds, therefore a total dick and wannabe Weekend member". When I was on the show, I was so thankful for all the support I received for just being myself and I'm eternally grateful for everyone who gave me a chance. If you couldn't tell from all the laughter and randomness, my time on the show was probably the happiest I've been in years. I loved it and people just saw me for me. Granted, some people called me "dumb", "disturbed", "weird" and my personal favorite, "a window-licker" but at least I was being true to myself and not having people base their opinions on me because of stuff my fellow band members had done. Another thing is, I feel a little out of place in a pop boy band now. Aside from the fact that I'm closer to 30 than the others are, I personally don't get much joy out of screaming teenage girls throwing themselves at me and in the band we have to write songs with an agenda. My musical tastes differ greatly and I can't explore much with my writing as I always have to write as "The Stat Nerds" and not as "Christopher Hudson". I'm more about the lyrics and performances. I don't want to have a chart battle with Weekend, I don't care about the amount of followers I have, I don't even care if our records chart or not. All I want to do is perform, show who I am as an artist and be in total control of my career. Everything is just so manufactured, planned out, spoon fed and I feel like more of a brand or a product than anything else while in The Stat Nerds. The other guys still have the drive for it and have lots more growing up to do. Brian, bless him, is still very reserved and has yet to become his own person. Jerry...well I don't even think he knows who he is or what he wants. He's always been somewhat of a question mark but lately things have been chaotic for him and I do hope things work out. He's not had the easiest life and despite what a lot of people think, he really does deserve happiness. As for Dennis, well that guy is incredible and still has so much more to offer. He is a brilliant vocalist and songwriter but his best is still yet to come. I would never say it in front of their faces but I believe he is the most talented and when he experiences more of life, he'll be armed with a pen and paper, ready to write a bunch of airplay giants. Dennis and I fight a lot but the truth is, I am probably the closest to him and love him to pieces.

Oh and I'm almost about to be a father. At first I wanted to kill myself, then I was excited, then I was reaching for the bottle and now I would say I'm more ready than ever. Gabriela and I have had a rocky relationship and the media like to twist and embellish things just to get a juicy story. I admit, she's hit me and lost her temper for absolutely no reason at all. She's been in the wrong but she's realised that and we've put it behind us. I've not been the most patient guy and if you're girlfriend is heavily pregnant and in pain, the least I could do is listen to her and give sweet little gestures. I've been in the wrong too. In spite of all the hormones, mixed emotions, stress and nerves, we know that becoming parents is going to be the most rewarding, satisfying experience of our lives and bringing a little baby boy into the world and caring for him is just a beautiful thing. Gabby is supposed to give birth on the 22nd of this month and the nerves have surprisingly eased off (although I'll probably be crumbling when the first contraction happens!). I've decorated and designed his own little room, we've got mountains of soft toys, clothes and enough bottles to nurse the entire cast and crew of Eight Is Enough. It will be scary for a while and when I first heard that we were expecting, I had many reservations but now that we're actually on the same page and willing to make a go of it, a huge weight has been lifted off of our shoulders. The last thing a pair of first time parents and a newborn baby need is a household filled with negative energy.

Basically, I know what I want to do and achieve over the next few years and I have the confidence that things will go to plan but to put everything in motion I have to break away from chains that have secured and held me in place for many years. I've bought my own place in London so I've already pulled off the security blanket of my homeland. Now all I have to do is walk away from the thing that has brought me to where I am today. I have a feeling it will not go down well.

Edited by user 05 November 2014 11:19:36(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

UserPostedImage
UserPostedImageUserPostedImage
UserPostedImageUserPostedImage

WEEKEND: BILLY • DUSTYN • OSCAR • RILEY • SCOTT
PUBLIC WARNING: BEAU • CARTER LEE • JAKE • MYLES • ZANDER
THE STAT NERDS: BRIAN • CHRISTOPHER
THE ZONE: BLAKE • CHRIS • JASON • LIAM

JOSHUA GRIMMIE • LINCOLN • LAYLA • MERCEDES • MICHELLE GREEN
ANDREA • DENEIL • CHICAGO NOBODY • BLOOM • SONNY • VICTORIA BLACK
REUBEN • ELLIE-GRACE SUMMERS • ALFIE SUMMERS • MICAH DELISLE
JAMIE JACKSON • KONSTANTIN • FAYETTE • SAYYID
Back to top
thanks 4 users thanked BrownSugar for this useful post.
erich hess on 02/11/2014(UTC), Famouss7x7 on 02/11/2014(UTC), snap_itshannah on 02/11/2014(UTC), RoseJapanFan on 02/11/2014(UTC)
Offline Famouss7x7  
#84 Posted : 10 November 2014 10:09:12(UTC)
Famouss7x7
Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Registered
Joined: 30/07/2010(UTC)
Posts: 19,422
Location: USA

Thanks: 12745 times
Was thanked: 20070 time(s) in 6660 post(s)
UserPostedImage
Dennis Shaw - 11/9/14
Louisiana
"Take a second to actually think..."


Wow. Pretty crazy how I haven't actually gotten a chance to really sit down and think. I think that's what comes with being a celebrity. I literally have had no time to sit and actually think about life since years ago. Since breaking out of that terrible contract with Shooting Aces. Other than that, things have been moving so fast that I haven't even given myself the courtesy to actually sit and think. But luckily today, as I sit here at my home, first time being here in a really long time..I'm actually really enjoying time with my mother and father. It feels great to actually feel normal again. Being here makes me actually miss a lot of things before I became this celebrity. I love being me, and I love what I do but when you've got a chance to come back to your old way of life it actually feels really good and peaceful. For me life before was on this big farm in Louisiana (my parents never wanted to trade this in for a big house in lets say...Hollywood) with miles and miles of green grass and animals before you reach your nearest store and to tell you the truth, nothing has really changed right now since I've come back. Only difference is that I am older and I've made enough money for my parents to live in a bigger house and take better care of the farm. They miss me so much, they rather me just stay home with them and I love that they've always been so supportive of me since being a really young child all the way up until my adulthood now that I am 22. But of course I can't and that's actually why that life is considered by 'past' life. I am a Stat Nerds, we make music, we have fans and we've got music to release. But being here really is a breath of fresh air, I'm staring out the window right now just thinking. No one's home, just me. Staring out this window as they wind blows through my hair. Everything seems like such a blur when you are speeding through time, as these days fly by and you're living the celebrity life, but you never really get a chance to recognize how precious life is when you get a chance to take a break from it all.

Lately, I've gotten pretty serious with Sabina. It's pretty crazy to be honest. I'm a confident guy and I am rather sure of myself but when I laid eyes on her I never in a million years thought that she would even take me seriously since she's so beautiful and sometimes people are thrown off by the whole 'Stat Nerd' persona people stereotype us with but she never judged me. I personally felt like she was going to be so vain and throw me off because she's just so beautiful and I know for myself how many guys flock to her just to get some of her time and attention and I'll be honest I was one of them. We've actually been seeing each other since the Fan Choice Awards, I asked her out that night, she accepted and we've just been so good for each other since that very day. It took some time after the FCA's for me to be able to gain her trust but once I got to know her I instantly saw that she's so humble and positive and just a perky individual who always brightens me up when I feel down. And to be honest, I needed somebody like that. It was nearly 2 years since I was in my last relationship and that ended badly and Sabina is someone who makes me happy and genuinely hope that I do the same for her. I try my best to make her happy and shockingly she's not hard to please. It's the small things that make her happy, the thought that counts and it's a breath of fresh air to have her in my life. I really feel like I love her, my parents love her as well and we've taken things to a new level lately and I'm happy about that. Getting the girl you always wanted is always plus but getting the girl that you might potentially want to spend your life with is even better. I surely hope things continue to go the way they are going because we make eachother better. Onto more positive things maybe?

Christopher has just had a baby! Very happy for him. I never know the ordeal with him and Gabriela and I don't exactly want to know and I don't really even know her but I am happy for him. Chris and I have our ups and downs and aside from things going on with the group and my personal feelings toward him on a business front, I love him in a "I care about you" way and it really shocked me when he asked me to be the baby's godfather. It really hit me in my heart because Chris and I go at it all the time and I feel like maybe I didn't deserve such an important title of my now, godson's life but I've accepted and I am going to be the best godfather that I can be. I appreciate the title and appreciate Chris for even considering me because we really have our ups and downs and our relationship has really been on the strains lately but I'll get to that right now.

The Stat Nerds are doing great when it comes to success. We've always been relatively successful and I'm glad that our album is nearly done but things going on the behind the scenes is really just a headache. Remember when I said I love Chris in a I care about you way and not on a business front, this is where the other stuff comes into play. Our single has become a big hit and things are looking up and guess what? Chris decides that he wants to do a solo career and to I'll be very honest. I don't really care if he decides to do it. I've also wanted to do some solo work as well and we've gotten into quarrels about it. Whenever I bring up the fact that I want to do some solo work he has a major problem but when he does it, it's all fine, but so be it... that's him. What grinds my gears is that he's pumping up this solo career right in the mist of us recording an album and releasing group music and it's rude and just wrong. We agreed that solo stuff would come after the album and over and today I find out he's signed a solo deal with Studio60 and has gotten new management. I held off my collaboration that was in the works with the Wolverines because I wanted to solely focus on the group but Chris is itching so badly to be alone that he couldn't wait just a few months. I'll go out on a limb here and say that I wouldn't really care if he left the group. The show would still go on and the competition in his head that he has always had with me would finally be over. Sometimes I wish he would just leave because Jerry, Brian and I could seriously go on without him and the drama level would seriously fall dramatically. And once again, that doesn't mean I do not love him. I've just started not to like him in the group and after today when he started saying how we all need new management I'm just like "guy, fuck off. I seriously do not like you". Even if he did leave and the group disbanded, I know I could even continue on my own to be a successful solo act but that's not in me right now at this moment. I want to fulfill this work I have with the group and after we tour and stuff, hell yeah I'm gonna do my own solo thing and then we will of course work on Stat Nerd stuff, but now? My heart is with The Stat Nerds and I feel like if someone else doesn't also have that heart and passion for the group, they should leave. And I am being 110% honest. But as of right now, the album is nearly done and it's sounding so good its been a while! It's finally gonna come out, whether or not Chris on the bandwagon.

I love all the guys, we have really grown to be brothers but brothers don't always get a long. Brian and I aren't the closest but I love his energy and attitude, just a laid back guy. I sometimes wish he was more outspoken like me and stood up for himself but he knows to always come to me when someone fucks with him because I'd be the first one to have his back. I really love my guy Jerry, he's so misunderstood and deep down is really just a soft guy with this hard front. He's been through a lot in his life and is going through something right now that I really have been getting suspicious about. This Billy Khan guy. I don't trust him, never have...never well and just a few months ago him and Jerry have gotten extremely close and there's just something telling me that Jerry is.....Gay. Crazy, I know. Just something about their relationship seems way too close for me to fathom. I know bromance but there's a difference. They get into arguments, do you see the tweets they throw at eachother? Or the Instagram picture Billy put up of Jerry in the tub? OH, and even more gayer Billy sends me a nude picture of him accidentally and tells me it wasn't meant for me. So who was it meant for? I don't know, it was a terrible site I didn't want to see but something tells me it was meant to be sent to Jerry. It's fucking crazy, Jerry...gay???? He loves vagina man, was always the biggest douche and now he's become this nice little heart throb and to be honest, if he came out I would be okay with it now since I am so suspicious that I wouldn't even be surprised but wow, I think about it all the time and I'm just like... whoa. Is there not one boyband that doesn't have a gay member. I thought we were the premiere group and there's only a matter of time before that's proven wrong. I've got to accept Jerry for who he is but I'm gonna always miss the vagina loving, disrespectful douche bag. He's still that asshole, but he's a lot more reserved. I think we needed that for the sake of the group but for the sake of laughs? I miss it! Jerry has my support, no matter what and if Billy fucks him over... he's gonna get fucked up.


So I'm sitting here, thinking about how crazy things are right now and I'm flying back out to LA tomorrow and I'm just like, do I really want to go? I've go to. I am Dennis Shaw.
UserPostedImage
UserPostedImage
Cristina Lake • Aubrey Mikkel • Sabina • James Urie • Austin Nimmo • Mandy Williams • The Wolverines
• Jerry Holmes • Marina Balan • Miami• BYS • Naomi • Suzie • Aaron Styles • Cory Dionne • The Kittens
• Brittany Knox • Dennis Shaw • Gemma • Payton • Cassie Valentine • JT Rodriguez • Jay-C •Nick Urie • PRÓXIMO
Back to top
thanks 4 users thanked Famouss7x7 for this useful post.
BrownSugar on 10/11/2014(UTC), snap_itshannah on 10/11/2014(UTC), erich hess on 10/11/2014(UTC), freestylechamp on 10/11/2014(UTC)
Offline freestylechamp  
#85 Posted : 20 November 2014 08:45:14(UTC)
freestylechamp
Rank:: Advanced Member

Groups: Registered
Joined: 13/07/2013(UTC)
Posts: 7,116
Man
United States

Thanks: 9247 times
Was thanked: 6094 time(s) in 2656 post(s)

UserPostedImage

I don’t want anyone to know this. That why I’m writing this down and locking it maybe even burning this page out as soon as I’m done because I need to get this off my chest. When I was back home I have a girlfriend, but she was almost closer than that. She was my first love but sadly I was not hers. Nicole and I grew up close her parents were friends with my parents and we just saw each other all the time. Back then she would have never paid attention to me seeing me as the brother and wouldn’t want to see where it would go and I understand we were young and we knew each other since we could remember. One day I caught her crying and her “boyfriend” was seeing someone else while she was with her. I wanted to kick his ass she just wanted to let it go. I felt bad so I tried to comfort her and two days later we had sex. My first time and it was with someone I loved and trusted to do that with. I wouldn’t want to take that back because I still care about her.

From that point on we started dating and I thought everything was fine I was 17 at the time and doing rapping, which she kind of supported. She was trying to be a model, so she knew what it was like being in the entertainment business somewhat. One day I have this long battle it ends and I get my money for it and I’m on my home, who do I see coming out of her house her ex-boyfriend. I’m not going to lie I’m a jealous person and the look on his smug face really told me what I wanted to know. We argued a lot Nicole and I about how she was just going to go behind my back, I was so angry at her at him at myself that she loss it. She started sobbing and begging me not to break up with her. It was at this point that our relationship went back to what it was just a friendship. When I tried to put some distance between us she would go hysterical one time she said she would kill herself if I was to leave. I worried about her, that one moment couldn’t overpower all those years when I loved her. I loved her and our families knew about it.

When I wrote “Hate that I love You,” I hated the fact that she was just using me. She could have just let me go but she wanted me AND him. I wasn’t enough for her but that was her first love, and he had that leverage over her that he could just come in have sex and then leave her there broken for me to try to put the pieces back together I was her emotional support but I wasn’t going to be that guy that she fell for. In her moment of weakness she decide to give me a shot but it was never love she was feeling. I was just something to feel the void with her, and 5 10 20 years down the road she would see be thinking of him while being with me. I allowed that to happen to, I kept staying knowing how she looks at me never changed from when we were little I was still her “friend” for the most part but he wasn’t he was different.

I don’t know if she is even seeing one right now, but I hope she is. Getting married, knowing that you’re going to spend your whole life with someone, if things work the way they should. If I saw her now would she be able to use me like what happen to her. I don’t want Aire to feel that, pain knowing that the person that says they love “you” they really just mean your support, wondering if they are really thinking about you when you’re alone together. I went through that for two years that’s 102 weeks, 730 days of just being angry and tension between us that would just rub me the wrong way, little things I didn’t think meant anything know meant a lot. I don’t want to put her through that, because I really love Aire. Looking back on my music and my relationship with Nicole, I don’t know if I still love her, but I don’t hate her, you can’t simply erase years of good times with one bad day.

Banners:
UserPostedImage
UserPostedImage
Back to top
thanks 5 users thanked freestylechamp for this useful post.
BrownSugar on 20/11/2014(UTC), kandii on 20/11/2014(UTC), snap_itshannah on 20/11/2014(UTC), erich hess on 20/11/2014(UTC), RoseJapanFan on 23/11/2014(UTC)
Online BrownSugar  
#86 Posted : 23 November 2014 03:22:30(UTC)
BrownSugar
Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Moderators, Registered
Joined: 18/02/2011(UTC)
Posts: 27,668
Man
United Kingdom
Location: In between the couch cushions

Thanks: 11111 times
Was thanked: 19124 time(s) in 7592 post(s)
UserPostedImage

Brian Bodkin - 22nd November 2014
"I don't want to be 21 and on the scrapheap"

As I am sitting here collecting my thoughts, I am counting down the minutes until my 21st birthday. Rather than feeling joyous and exhilarated at the prospect of hitting such a big milestone, I feel like once the clock strikes 12 I will be immersed in a decaying world filled with no hope. Like Cinderella's carriage and gown turning back into rags and rotting mulch, the life of a boy band member loses its desirability when you get that bit older. It's not so bad if you can continue on as a well respected "man band" and have a catalog of hit records under your belt. When you've only got a handful of songs to our name and the possibility of a split is on the cards after only two albums then things don't look good for the rest of your career. By band rules state that one member goes off onto solo stardom while the others go work in McDonald's. Not that I am saying that anything is wrong with having a job like that. I am NOT after solo success and I have NOTHING against a 9 to 5 job but I am just...petrified to be honest. The band is falling apart at the seams, we all know which members will get by if we split, I have never worked in a "real job" in my life, my qualifications aren't the best and the job market is terrible. I know I am probably over thinking this way too much but in the end, I am the member the general public is least interested in. I went straight from school and into the band. What do I know about the real world? How do I even begin to start my own life once TSN is no more? Do I even know what I want? Only thing I know is that I don't want to be 21 and on the scrapheap.

I have spent the majority of my life blending into the background, being wrapped up in cotton wool and having everything done for me. I wouldn't say that I was spoiled, just well looked after. Being an only child, my parents had even more time for me and after they won the lottery, they quit their jobs and couldn't wait to indulge in their son. They even had enough money to home school me with private tutors. I went to public school for two years but I was a shy, easily intimidated kid who was a tad on the heavy side. In other words, I was prime target for the bullies. After a taster of the nasty world, I was lifted out of school and learned from the comfort of my own home. I never asked for much, things were just given to me and I was more or less content. My parents never wanted me to go without anything or to find myself in any bother. I know their intentions were good and they are extraordinary people but they wouldn't let me live. I never made mistakes so how could I learn from them? The first big risk I took in life was auditioning for Shooting Aces and even then I was given a free pass out of guilt and a marketing strategy, not because I deserved it. I forgot the words to my song and was one of the weakest singers in the room but they said I was "cute" and "looked the part" so even a place in this band was just handed to me. When all of this is over and I have to fend for myself and fight to make my way in the world as an individual, it's going to be such a struggle. I'm performing on stages around the globe yet I don't know how to pay a bill. I've got by because of luck, looks and money...that's certainly no way to be.

I still love all the guys in the band, they are my three annoying big brothers. I just know that Christopher is going to leave us soon. I can sense it and I'm not mad, I understand that he has a family now and being slightly older than the rest of us, being in a boy band is not going to satisfy him for much longer. There is a lot of tension between him and Dennis, our strongest members. When they argue, they don't hold back and one of these days someone will say something that there's just no recovering from. Jerry is also causing friction and my heart goes out to him. He's going through something but nobody knows what. We suspect he is having trouble with his sexuality and may be involved with Billy Khan but it's really not my place to say to him. He's became so distant and closed up that it's starting to grind gears, predominantly Dennis'. Bands argue all the time but that's usually over trivial things they can bounce back from. We are not debating over who wears what and where we should visit while on tour. Emotions, families, sexuality, love life and a whole lot more of personal issues are being brought up everyday and I can guarantee one of us will eventually just snap before the year is out.

On a lighter note though, I am actually in my first serious relationship. This is the only adult thing I have actually done for myself and Lacy is one person I feel at ease around. She is beautiful, talented and just a wonderful girl. I'm proud that I am finally in a relationship and I genuinely do feel like a grown-up. I still have a lot more to offer though. With Lacy, Christopher, Jerry and Dennis I can show off a glimpse of the real me but there is still a lot of reservation. Despite what people think, I do have lots to say, I have the weirdest sense of humor, I am curious about certain things guys my age should be...I'm just scared to let go. I know that if I do something slightly out of character it'll appear ten times more dramatic because it's me; "OH MY GOD, BRIAN BODKIN JUST SWORE!", "BRIAN IS DRINKING!" and I don't like that. It makes me feel uncomfortable and like I am not normal. All the other guys do that stuff and nobody bats an eyelid. Why can't I just be like that? I have gotten slightly tipsy once, I have never smoked, I don't like to swear in front of people, I never speak up when I should and I am still a virgin. It's my fault there is an air of mystery surrounding me. I know that rebelling and becoming a "bad boy" is not the way to do things and I certainly won't be stumbling out of nightclubs with my pants around my ankles anytime soon. I just need to loosen up slightly and show everyone that there is more to Brian Bodkin. Nothing ruins your twenties more than thinking you should have your life sorted by now but I'd at least like to make a start. Since I'm on UK time right now, I am now officially 21 years old and nobody, not even my best friends, parents and girlfriend really know me and what I'm about. Things have to change. It's time to actually air my thoughts and express myself rather than keeping it all bottled up and nodding in the background.
UserPostedImage
UserPostedImageUserPostedImage
UserPostedImageUserPostedImage

WEEKEND: BILLY • DUSTYN • OSCAR • RILEY • SCOTT
PUBLIC WARNING: BEAU • CARTER LEE • JAKE • MYLES • ZANDER
THE STAT NERDS: BRIAN • CHRISTOPHER
THE ZONE: BLAKE • CHRIS • JASON • LIAM

JOSHUA GRIMMIE • LINCOLN • LAYLA • MERCEDES • MICHELLE GREEN
ANDREA • DENEIL • CHICAGO NOBODY • BLOOM • SONNY • VICTORIA BLACK
REUBEN • ELLIE-GRACE SUMMERS • ALFIE SUMMERS • MICAH DELISLE
JAMIE JACKSON • KONSTANTIN • FAYETTE • SAYYID
Back to top
thanks 4 users thanked BrownSugar for this useful post.
Famouss7x7 on 23/11/2014(UTC), freestylechamp on 23/11/2014(UTC), RoseJapanFan on 23/11/2014(UTC), erich hess on 23/11/2014(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#87 Posted : 30 November 2014 16:05:35(UTC)
erich hess
Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Moderators, Registered
Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC)
Posts: 42,618
Man
United States
Location: representing the 954

Thanks: 21681 times
Was thanked: 17917 time(s) in 10411 post(s)
UserPostedImage


*written in japanese so nobody could read it,except mariko. she would keep her sister's secrets* its coming,and i cant stop it. takara will be one year old january 7th. natalya will be dead one year the same day.. ive done all i can do. i burned the house down,i had her killer killed...and i still dont have closure.it is still as raw as the day it happened. this day is going to come and i cant stop it. every day i have to turn over in the bed and face what i've done. i took takara's mother from her,i should have been killed too. who knows? if i hadnt been with nichole,natalya would still be alive today. why cant i stop loving people? i still love erich as if it were yesterday. if he wasnt with someone as wonderful as ada,i would certainly be a problem. i still love natalya and still feel guilty each and every time i am with nichole. but do i stop? no. i cant stop. nichole is everything to me...except she is not natalya. are nichole and i together because we have nobody else? sometimes i really think this is the case. we are both so evil and fucked up,that nobody else will have us.

this is supposed to be a joyous time. takara will be one year old. an entire year passed since her birth. i cant help but see natalya in her face. it may just be me,but i see nothing of sam in her. she looks nothing like nichole's kids. she is purely natalya. what am i going to do when takara is old enough to see she looks nothing like me? she is going to reject me. i can feel it already. she knows i am an imposter. for years ive hated that i am alone. my parents are long dead and their bodies never found. takara is the same,her parents will never be in her life. sam fucked off and natalya is spread over the coast of ishnomaki. i didnt even bother asking what her father wanted...maybe he wanted her home in russia. maybe she'd have been happier there. why dont i have the balls to just pull the trigger? i do no one any good,so why am i still here? takara deserves to be with her real family for her first birthday. i am sure mr dobros would welcome the opportunity to raise his granddaughter. i promised i would take care of natalya,and i didnt. i let her die...no,i lead her to her death. if we never would have lived in japan,she would still be alive today. why cant i just pull the trigger and end this? honestly,who wants me around? i do no good for anyone. im nothing to takara,and i only serve to hold nichole back. with each shot of vodka,i give the cylinder a spin. with luck,i wont be here tomorrow. russian roulette would be a fitting end for me.

UserPostedImage
UserPostedImage
"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.
Back to top
thanks 3 users thanked erich hess for this useful post.
RoseJapanFan on 30/11/2014(UTC), snap_itshannah on 01/12/2014(UTC), Famouss7x7 on 01/12/2014(UTC)
Offline RoseJapanFan  
#88 Posted : 01 December 2014 12:05:19(UTC)
RoseJapanFan
Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Moderators, Registered
Joined: 24/08/2009(UTC)
Posts: 45,468
Woman
United States
Location: ククルー=マウンテン

Thanks: 21323 times
Was thanked: 14997 time(s) in 6773 post(s)
UserPostedImage

"Eureka!"

You know when you're so frustrated and you just have no idea how to feel? Everything pisses you off and you want to just cut off all ties with people and become someone who lives under the radar? It's how I've been feeling and I even made a point to stop going on social media accounts and just die off but I can't. It's impossible. I'm a model. I'm a blogger. I'm a music critic. I can't just disappear even if I wanted to. I wish I could. I've been so fed up of life and the shitty people throw into it. I just am at my end. I don't like to bitch. In fact, I like to make fun of people who do bitch but I'm taking this moment to bitch, rightfully so, about what's been pissing me off. And the funny thing is, it's not even my cancer. I've accepted that and come to terms with it. Whatever happens, happens. What I am pissed at is the lack of respect for a good friend or the meaningless pain I've had to endure when in the end, things didn't change.

You know, you can only handle so much of a person. Before I even became who I am today, people had assumptions. People thought I was just some model airhead who wouldn't be important or matter but I know for a fact I am the single most important model/blogger/music critic in the industry today. There is no arguing. I've caused more impact with my words than people dream of. I don't sit on Twitter all day arguing or reviewing things because I have more integrity than that. I can play the game any way. I can be classy. I can be a bitch, I much prefer the latter. What I don't like is people thinking that I am just confined to this one box, this one idea where people can treat me how they want and get away with it. I've been through way much more shit than people can imagine and nobody knows it. Nobody knows it but me and whomever my creator was. I'm a lot tougher than 98% of these weak minded, fragile, fickle people believe. I've suffered, hell I'm still suffering, and yet guess what? That's not my story. I don't use it to gain sympathy. I don't use it as some poster child type way of life. I don't even mention it that much as other people have to brainlessly remind everyone how hard they had it growing up or how much they hurt. You know why? That's what attention whores do and I'm far from one. I don't need people to like me. I don't need people to envy me. I don't even need people to sympathize with me. What I do need is for people to start treating me with the respect I have earned. I have done so much, far more than most people have done in a year, and I've accomplished most of that in 6 months.

People think I'm some little plaything that stole someone's husband. Let's address that as well. Move the fuck on and get the fuck over it. I didn't steal him, he came willingly (pun intended) and you know what? I didn't feel sorry then and I don't feel sorry now. Women should stop blaming other women for being attractive. Maybe you should blame your lover because he obviously felt the need to stir from his nest. I'm not saying the woman is always the one who screwed up, and it's not even the man sometimes. Life happens, shit happens. You move on and you stop trying to throw a pity party for yourself or wanting pity from other people. Let's also talk about the whole aftermath of that. Let's talk about how my once best friend clearly picked a side and stayed on it just because the little whore she's fucking is best friends with her. Yes, whore, I said whore. She's a whore because she is. I don't need to explain it, she just is. I don't like Nichole. I never will like Nichole. I won't even put on a fake face anymore and pretend to like Nichole. Screw that. Once Erica decided to just piss on our friendship, she lit the match that is me hating her girlfriend.

See the thing with Erica is that she's on this tight fucking leash where she can't piss her pants unless "it's okay with Nichole." I'm sure if Natalya were alive, she'd hate Erica now. Her with Nichole is practically standing on Natalya's grave, fucking Nichole right over it, and then crying afterwards because she suddenly feels sorry. Don't misunderstand me, I once felt sorry for Erica. But then I grabbed some common sense and saw that she didn't deserve sympathy. Erica has this great way of making people love her and then once she's told to let them go or brainwashed, your friendship never existed. You don't matter and the only person who does matter is the person who is controlling her. There's no excuse for that. I can't be friends with someone weak like that. Someone weak enough to actually tell YOU what to do and pretend like she's the nurturing and caring girlfriend that even if she wished real hard to be, she would never. Kai and I are honest. We never lied, we never pretended like we didn't hurt people. We never tried to win over people that started hating us. We never hid afterwards, we were brutally honest which is something Erica and Nichole will never be able to achieve. They are lying to themselves and everyone else. Nichole is probably the happiest person alive. She probably grinned from ear to fucking ear when she heard Natalya was dead. Erica is lying to herself because she believes Nichole is borderline Jesus. I bet if Nichole told her to get rid of Takara, she'd do it in a heartbeat.

Some days I just feel bad for Takara. She has to live with those two shits in her life all the time. But let's not bring her up because she's the only innocent person in their web of disgust. Back to Erica. She's probably one of the biggest hypocrites I've ever laid eyes on. Sure, she can be sweet and make you want to be her friend but she can also sit there and play a sympathy card then 5 minutes later, act chummy with someone who has done nothing but talked shit. I'm just so frustrated. Erica and I were closer than her little Suzie puppy dog now. Suzie's about as stupid as they come. She's one of those girls who thinks they are two steps ahead when they haven't even started playing the game yet. Erica and Suzie, from as long as I can remember, have always insulted each other and always went at it. Erica and I argue and Nichole gets involved, Erica decides "No more Honor. Fuck off." She has never defended me, not that I needed it but you know sometimes it would be sweet just to stand up for your fucking friend. The one who was always there for you. The one who at least tried to accept your fucked up relationship but no. I don't get that. Why? Because I'm Honor. I wasn't her friend since childhood, we've probably been friends for 1 or 2 years but that ends now.

When someone keeps screwing up and you keep going back, YOU are the fool and I'm done playing the fool. I have fucking cancer. I have bigger things going on in life than to worry if Erica will be my friend today or talk to the person that talks shit about me and act like it's all okay. Fuck that. I'm actually glad I retweeted that comment Scott RH made about Natalya. It was funny so I laughed. Erica participates with someone who talks shit about me and made jokes but did I bitch? No, not until now. So she can gladly fuck off. Erica was hardly there for me. HARDLY. When I did let her in, sure it was a good bonding moment and I had someone to talk to, but then I'd just be pissed off again. I know friends don't always agree but this beyond that. It's so beyond that that if Erica were in trouble now, I wouldn't bother to lift a finger. Put it like this; if Erica and Takara were trapped in a burning house, I'd save Takara and leave. I was nice and people took advantage of that. Maybe I'm being childish, well I'm not the only one.

Let's also talk about how she has a problem with my boyfriend. The fucking pot calling the kettle black. But when I had a problem with Nichole, it was wrong? No, I let them talk their issues out and get it over with. Kai and I work because I don't control him and he doesn't control me. We work TOGETHER not for each other. The day Kai tells me what to do is the day that I start my singing career. I pity Erica, she's so fucking weak it makes me vomit sometimes. I ignore her on Twitter because I don't want to invite her back into my life. I don't want to even give her hope that we'll be okay. Fuck that. I want her to just wonder "where did we go wrong?" and die with that thought. There will be no closure. Trust me, really want to but if I do, I'd just be cheating myself. I deserve better people in my life who actually give a rat's ass about me and who will talk to me even id their spouse or lover doesn't care for me. When I'm feeling weak, I need STRONG people around me. Not people like her. And even Kai has tried to talk me out of being friends with her but I stood my ground. I still talked to Erica, still made myself look stupid. But friends do that. It would be like if me and Jen were fighting and Kai didn't like Jen and so he tried to get me to stop being her friend. I would never. I love Kai but I was someone before we met.

I've had twice as many friendship moments with Billy than Erica and I have ever had. We don't argue because we are at an understanding. We are almost the same person. See, Billy is strong and knows what he wants. He's not going to let someone tell him what to do or change him into someone else. He actually takes time out of his busy schedule to talk to me. He's one of the only two people I've told and with good reasoning. I've waited and even hoped maybe she'd check on me and show the slightest interest in me right now but nothing. Nothing but the weak attempts at small talk via social media. I can't even respect that. And maybe I could talk to her but you know what? I don't want to give anymore. I'm tired of giving. So now Kai and I will continue to be happy and piss people off because we are just that happy with one another. We will achieve true happiness in a relationship and we will be the relationship that people won't believe is so strong and I hope that every day Erica feels guilt and she starts to wonder why people keep leaving her. I want her to be best friends with Suzie and I hope that she continues to back stab her until she can't walk anymore. I hope she screws her over and I will be laughing. I hope that Nichole hates her and wants her gone. And above all, I hope that Erica realizes that I was the best friend that she will ever have. No one else will be that honest friend she needs. But it's not my problem anymore.

It felt really good to get this all down.
UserPostedImage
Do you like reading reviews on anime? Manga? Games? Do you wanna support a fellow black nerd? Then click above.
UserPostedImage


Isabel-Pixie-Nova-Jennifer Armstrong-Dylan Shaw-Eden Pryce-Taara Jay-Jupiter Jones-Imani
Kato-Eilidh-Nothing But Trouble-Hayden-Serenity Scott-Anaísz-Kimi Kubo


"My God! We truly are a talented bunch. The fact that we write entire albums all on our own while the biggest stars in the world have 45 co-writers on ONE track?? Where the hell are OUR record deals and GRAMMYS?" -BrownSugar
Back to top
thanks 4 users thanked RoseJapanFan for this useful post.
BrownSugar on 01/12/2014(UTC), freestylechamp on 01/12/2014(UTC), snap_itshannah on 01/12/2014(UTC), erich hess on 01/12/2014(UTC)
Offline freestylechamp  
#89 Posted : 01 February 2015 08:01:58(UTC)
freestylechamp
Rank:: Advanced Member

Groups: Registered
Joined: 13/07/2013(UTC)
Posts: 7,116
Man
United States

Thanks: 9247 times
Was thanked: 6094 time(s) in 2656 post(s)


UserPostedImage
What I Really Love About You

1/31/15


Everyone always has something to say about me, what made her fall for that? What do they see in each other? Why did he do that? For everyone that wanted to know about my relationship, I'm attracted to her more than just physically. My whole life has been based on others, "You need to be a doctor, go to college, earning six figures while we tell you off to one of our friends that has had a daughter that is in college, bout to be a lawyer and she has to be Indian." So imagine my parents surprise when I said "I'm going to be an actor, and not go to college." oh they were pissed. I was the shame of the family, that is until it worked. Being a child star I didn't expect to happen, but I'm glad it did. I was making money that my father couldn't bring in and thoughts of coming to America started to get real. That tradition of following orders and doing what your parents plan for you got thrown out the window once they realize I'm the one that bringing in the money. That was the hardest part of weather they should come with me. In Indian culture the father was the leader of the family. Everyone has to follow his example and whatever he said was the law around the house. Well America it was about who can bring in the biggest check to the household. It was only natural that there was a lot of headbutting witch lead to a lot of "heated debates". That one of the reason I was drawn to Austin in the first place cause of the fact that we could bond over the hardship in family. So when I first met Suzie I was worry of course. I heard about her reputation hell everyone had, she didn't do any favors by staying in the social media. The more I hung around her the more I felt free. Someone who could be what they wanted, do what they wanted, that spirit of her is clench it for me. I just wanted to be that way so bad to be done with the culture that was so constrained with no will of your own. "My way or the highway?" Suzie never had anyone tell her that. I heard that my whole life and I'm tired of hearing it, I'm not going to hear it anymore and for them to not like her this much was just the icing on the cake. She amazing and I want her to rub off on me.

Banners:
UserPostedImage
UserPostedImage
Back to top
thanks 3 users thanked freestylechamp for this useful post.
RoseJapanFan on 01/02/2015(UTC), erich hess on 01/02/2015(UTC), BrownSugar on 06/12/2015(UTC)
Offline RoseJapanFan  
#90 Posted : 21 May 2015 07:44:08(UTC)
RoseJapanFan
Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Moderators, Registered
Joined: 24/08/2009(UTC)
Posts: 45,468
Woman
United States
Location: ククルー=マウンテン

Thanks: 21323 times
Was thanked: 14997 time(s) in 6773 post(s)
UserPostedImage

April 30th, 2015


Okay, this summer will be all about work and having fun. No more chasing after this dream of having a perfect love story. I'm constantly reminded that doesn't exist. I'm not saying I'm through with guys or love but for right now..I'd like to focus on positive things and not being let down all the time. I mean I have a pretty damn good life. I'm a young entrepreneur, still in school, a great head on my shoulders and you know what? Maybe I just haven't found the guy who appreciates that. Maybe I'm not loose enough or entertaining enough but this is where I stop catering to guys and what they want. I'm happy being my dorky self. This isn't some 'rah rah hear me roar' revolutionary type of diary entry. It's more of a 'Ansley finally woke up' and realized that there's nothing wrong with me. There IS something wrong, however, with the guys who didn't fully appreciate all I brought to my relationships. In no way would I ever bash them. To be completely honest, I'm still in love with Kellin, whether he knows it or not, it doesn't really matter anymore. I say that because I never even got the chance to really fall out of it and the rug was just snatched from under me.

I'm this dorky, short little midget who happens to help run a billion dollar clothing store. What more does a guy really need? I'm stable, mentally, financially, emotionally, I'm a lot of fun, I can cook, I love animals, I'm pretty laid back, I love sports, I love dressing up, I'm actually doing something with my life and yet somehow...that's not good enough? I'm being myself, not trying to catch everyone's attention by showing how insanely outgoing I can be. I'm doing everything right and it always ends up as a disaster. There's just a point where I don't even want to know why, because it's not my fault. Simple.

So I, Ansley Rachel Bates, am from here on out NOT going to waste any more weekends crying over a guy who obviously missed out on a great girl. I'm no longer going to stalk frequently check their Twitter's and Instagram's, I am no longer going to put myself down for the woman they left me for or are now pursuing, and I am no longer going to believe that I'm the problem.

I'll just one day find that guy who will finally notice how awesomely amazing I am.
UserPostedImage
Do you like reading reviews on anime? Manga? Games? Do you wanna support a fellow black nerd? Then click above.
UserPostedImage


Isabel-Pixie-Nova-Jennifer Armstrong-Dylan Shaw-Eden Pryce-Taara Jay-Jupiter Jones-Imani
Kato-Eilidh-Nothing But Trouble-Hayden-Serenity Scott-Anaísz-Kimi Kubo


"My God! We truly are a talented bunch. The fact that we write entire albums all on our own while the biggest stars in the world have 45 co-writers on ONE track?? Where the hell are OUR record deals and GRAMMYS?" -BrownSugar
Back to top
thanks 4 users thanked RoseJapanFan for this useful post.
genocidal king on 21/05/2015(UTC), erich hess on 21/05/2015(UTC), Welat65 on 21/05/2015(UTC), BrownSugar on 06/12/2015(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#91 Posted : 24 May 2015 09:35:29(UTC)
erich hess
Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Moderators, Registered
Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC)
Posts: 42,618
Man
United States
Location: representing the 954

Thanks: 21681 times
Was thanked: 17917 time(s) in 10411 post(s)


UserPostedImage


its rapidly approaching and im scared. i could handle being the mother of cassie's kids. they are utterly perfect and i wouldnt change a thing about any of them. but...one that is a product of me. and erich...i really dont know. i am sure this will not sit well with ada. she only begrudgingly gave her blessing. i think because she thought if she didnt,i would go to erich behind her back. which i would never do. i understand though. for the longest time i gave the impression that i was a ruthless bitch. and...well,i was. that whole arrangement with erica and erich? my idea. i tried to come between nina and castor,only because i thought i could. i would have dropped castor as soon as i knew i had him. i have since apologized to nina. it was hard to do,but i really felt i should. i still havent spoken to castor. he seems like the sort where talking really wouldnt do much to help. i know erica made amends with him,but i think he and i both know where each other are. there is no need to discuss that which is already understood.

i kind of think my genes shouldnt be passed on. im the anomaly of the verlinden lineage. i know most people think i am joking or making shit up when i say that if my family woke up with scott rh's money,they'd kill themselves. that is no lie. the verlindens are probably above even the Rothschilds. mainly in the fact that most people have never heard of them. growing up,there was no such thing as love. i rarely spoke to either of my parents,and our nanny saw us as things,not people. merely a means to a pay check. i was taught from early on that the only thing that mattered is what you can get from someone.my twin sister took that to mean money. i took that to mean power over people. throw a little touch or kiss someone's way? and they become yours to control. this is really how i became involved with erich and erica. i didnt like them. i felt nothing for them,but they were easy to control through sex. they were married,but i could easily get them to fuck other people. just by mere suggestions. it really was just a game. once atomic war bride became successful? groupies were even more fun. a little bit of fame and i could get these people to do anything. i really dont even want to get into what i made people do. the romans would blush at what went on back stage at an atomic war bride show. nobody ever said no,so why should i stop? i enjoyed it,i craved it. absolute power over people is very intoxicating. i dont think i could even describe it. but when you experience it,you know.

this is why i like the kind of sex i do. i love being humiliated,i love being disrespected,i love to be abused. its a foreign concept to me. of course,i wouldnt allow just anyone to treat me like that. it would have to be someone i respect and love. when i first met cassie summers,i saw her as an easy mark. i was going to take that girl home,use her for my own pleasure and then kick her to the curb. but cassie did something different...she fought back. she made me work to gain her favor. she didnt instantly want to please me.didnt instantly want me to love her. no. she could take me or leave me. cassie could take pain as well as inflict it. she understood me. she knew what it was like to run roughshod over people and nobody question it. fucking those beneath you is merely for your own pleasure. you couldnt care less if they enjoy themselves or not. its all about you. being with cassie,she is someone i want to please. someone i want to pleasure.hell,i would rather hear her cum than reach climax myself. ive said it before,lions fuck lions . they dont fuck kittens.

this flows into our non sexual life as well. we utterly respect each other. this makes us fantastic spouses and fantastic parents. we are probably the most traditional family i know of. yet,we are probably thought of a deviants. our children know that they are loved. cassie and i both never need to work a day again in our lives,but that isnt what raises decent children. its giving your time. we read bedtime stories,we build shit out of play dough. those kids know we are there for them. so why am i scared to throw my own genes into the mix? well,i have seen how my twin sister is and...lets face it,erich hess isnt the most stable person. the margin of error is pretty high. but i dont want anyone else to be the father. i know its weird,seeing as i have probably fucked erich more times than his wife has,but i am fond of the man. he and ada have produced a beautiful daughter who i just love. i wonder how much my baby will look like him? its sort of a crapshoot,i think. erica's baby looks nothing like her father,but looks exactly like natalya (whom i secretly wanted to fuck. what? have you seen those tits?) plus,i am rather vain. will i look beautiful while pregnant? will cassie be able to feel a difference after the birth? will i be able to get my pre preggers body back? if i dont....will anyone want me anymore? what if cassie's kids hate their new sibling? what if i dont like my own kid? is such a thing even possible?

on the upside,pregnancy gives you bigger boobs.i am looking forward to that! come on double d's!
UserPostedImage
UserPostedImage
"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.
Back to top
thanks 2 users thanked erich hess for this useful post.
RoseJapanFan on 24/05/2015(UTC), genocidal king on 24/05/2015(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#92 Posted : 17 June 2015 12:22:53(UTC)
erich hess
Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Moderators, Registered
Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC)
Posts: 42,618
Man
United States
Location: representing the 954

Thanks: 21681 times
Was thanked: 17917 time(s) in 10411 post(s)
UserPostedImage
erich hess


sitting here in the duke's casino i can see the walls start to vibrate and then melt. its like im living inside a lava lamp. reality will never hold a candle to this. like a boring old man's Cadillac,utterly droll unless you slap a supercharger on that lazy 500 c.i engine. much like the shot in the arm lsd gives,factory equipment is never satisfactory. going on tour made me realize what i was missing. my mind is finally firing on all cylinders again. i can see all in a fly's nearly 360 point of view. aint no bastard going to swat me. the bounding sea is exciting again,every wave feels like it will send the duke to the briny deep.i need that sort of enemy to rail against. ive been in a rut and have finally escaped! erich hess is ready to kick zeus in the balls and give hera the fucking of a life time! when i am in the land,i can do anything. the lizard king hasnt got shit on me and frankly,he would be obsolete in 2015. me,however? im the only man carrying on the torch of rock and roll. well,that kai guy probably does. though marriage will have its way with him. its hard not to feel like a fucking shell of your former self when you have to turn away a ford festiva full of women that want nothing more than to please you. even if ada didnt accompany me on tour,i'd have still sent them on their way. i do have morals...of sorts. but its a real ego boost knowing that you are what people fantasize about. it wouldnt even matter if i was the lousiest lay of their entire life,they would still love it.
this? i can resist. it isnt even that hard. mainly because i can see right off that my actions would have a clear victim. do i love that it exists as an option? sure. i revel in that knowledge. im probably the oldest person in the....ugh,mainstream business today. i dont think ada or anyone knows that feeling. its truly a young person's game and i just became old enough to be out of the target demographic.

if i can handle every off tour responsibility i have while tripping on acid or whatever,whats the problem? its not like im going to stick marlena in an oven,thinking she is a turkey or a ham. ive been doing this almost constantly since i was 16. i know what is real and what is not. lsd doesnt make erich its bitch,he has his way with it! i've made dinner and held deep conversations with ada while tripping my balls off. im not a greenhorn. i know what i am doing and frankly see no reason to stop. if one cannot control the drugs they are on,they have no business being on drugs in the first place.i dont do this for escape or such nonsense. i do what i do because its what i like to do. marlena is still a baby,its not like she will notice if i overreact to swiper ganking dora's shit. when she is older,maybe ill stop. maybe i wont. i know if its a problem and im not ready to be one of those sad bastards in rehab claiming what the once loved ruined their lives. whats next? finding jesus? he talked to a man in the sky,i think he was tripping anyway. at least the man i talk to is/was earthly. elvis still guides me and lets me know i am on the right path. i missed speaking to mr preseley during my time off tour. now its like finding an old friend again. elvis and i picked up right where we left off. he is the ramp out of the rut i have been in. by following st elvis' instruction,i will once again be the premier personification of rock and roll i once was. its been too long since i have plowed an mg through a piggly wiggly. elvis,there is no name for what I am, but the world is about to change. And with your help, they will never see me coming."
UserPostedImage
UserPostedImage
"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.
Back to top
thanks 4 users thanked erich hess for this useful post.
BrownSugar on 17/06/2015(UTC), snap_itshannah on 17/06/2015(UTC), freestylechamp on 17/06/2015(UTC), RoseJapanFan on 19/06/2015(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#93 Posted : 06 December 2015 09:43:00(UTC)
erich hess
Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Moderators, Registered
Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC)
Posts: 42,618
Man
United States
Location: representing the 954

Thanks: 21681 times
Was thanked: 17917 time(s) in 10411 post(s)
erica hess

UserPostedImage
*written entirely in japanese. if found aboard the duke,only her sister could read it. and mariko would never sell her out.



it is done. i now have my full body tattoo. ill never be able to go to a public pool or public bath in japan. im forever marked as yakuza. every inch of skin that isnt my face,hands,or feet is covered in ink. outside of japan,nobody will take notice. but in my homeland? ill forever be an outcast. i do not care how much money i annually pay to Sakaume-gumi. it is worth it. both for their protection and the killing of natalya's murderer. i was offered the murder of nichole,but i refused. with the amount of money the harlots bring in,im about the number five of the Azuma-gumi. i could have just about anyone i want murdered and get away with it,at least in japan. but i knew what i was getting into with nichole. i knew her leaving me was a real possibility.

i still love her.it would be a lie if i said i did not. but in retrospect? i do not think she ever loved me. i was just a place holder. just as nicole was place holder for me. i adored natalya. if she was alive today? id still be with her. (providing i could hide the affair with nicole.) everyone i was ever close to ;is either gone or with someone else. sometimes i so want someone to hold me and say everything is going to be ok. i want someone to care. i want someone to hold me and fight off the big bad world. i've never felt so alone in my life.
im tired of having to be strong. i want to just let go and let it be someone elses problem. . there is nobody. nobody cares about the ins and outs of my life. on one hand? i feel sorry for myself. on the other? i want revenge, i want everyone to feel the rejection i feel. i want everyone to know this sense of hopelessness.
UserPostedImage
UserPostedImage
"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.
Back to top
thanks 4 users thanked erich hess for this useful post.
BrownSugar on 06/12/2015(UTC), genocidal king on 06/12/2015(UTC), RoseJapanFan on 06/12/2015(UTC), DistortedAudio on 09/12/2015(UTC)
Offline freestylechamp  
#94 Posted : 24 December 2015 02:53:13(UTC)
freestylechamp
Rank:: Advanced Member

Groups: Registered
Joined: 13/07/2013(UTC)
Posts: 7,116
Man
United States

Thanks: 9247 times
Was thanked: 6094 time(s) in 2656 post(s)
TJ Cousins

UserPostedImage

12/23/2015

I'm 22, I'm married, I owner a record label, I feel like I made it. I feel like something bad is going to happen. I don't know why but I can't shake the fact that I have this too good. like I really don't deserve this, I don't know what is wrong with me. I guess I don't deal well with happiness I'm more use to having problems. I'm more use to wondering if I will ever be happy then being happy. This seems like the wrong time to bring this up being close to the holidays but it brothers me. I don't know if she has the sames fears as me, I tend to be more open and honest but there are things that I keep to myself cause I don't know how she will take me. I'm feel better if I have something to want. But I feel like I have everything I could ask for, I mean I paid off my parents house. I got my cousin a car, I can take care of my family and still have money to live off comfortable. I don't have to worry about bills, I know the people who love me. it's shouldn't scare me but it does, I'm scared that they are going to look too hard at me, that I'm not going to be able to live up to this persona that I have build up and they are going to leave. I keep a bag handy in case I have to leave, and I feel like being alone is the only way I can be okay because I'm alright disappointing myself. There was a time when I was just angry, angry with people angry at myself and I used that to get where I am today. I'm not angry anymore, now I'm scared. Scared that people agree with me, and now they want me to lead them. The more I feel like people are getting use to this persona that TJ isn't really necessary. That the other me is better use for this. I feel like I need to just split myself in two, one can just be happy and the other can just be miserable. I want there to just be someway I could see that this is going to go on. that this was meant to happen. that I can be selfish and take this moment, even if this doesn't belong me. Next year I won't have to bury myself in work won't have to keep hitting my head on the wall, and just let it go.

Banners:
UserPostedImage
UserPostedImage
Back to top
thanks 3 users thanked freestylechamp for this useful post.
Matticus on 24/12/2015(UTC), Atonic Records on 24/12/2015(UTC), erich hess on 24/12/2015(UTC)
Offline kandii  
#95 Posted : 01 February 2016 08:47:04(UTC)
kandii
Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Registered
Joined: 18/03/2013(UTC)
Posts: 7,279
Woman
United States

Thanks: 16409 times
Was thanked: 10467 time(s) in 3435 post(s)
Yasmine Kiambang - 1/31/16 "The Room"
UserPostedImage


2 years ago, I killed a man.

I killed a man with my bare hands.

I killed a man with my bare hands because Anniken told me to.

She said that if I wanted this, I would have to prove myself.

She patted me on the back after he fell to the floor. She kissed me on the forehead and gave me a huge hug, just like a mother would. At that moment I felt like I would go insane but she gave me that smile... the one that screamed how proud she was,the one with the gleam from her eyes that proved she wanted to cry of happiness. I felt like I had finally proved myself. That night she drove me over to her house. No one ever gets to go in her house except for Airemese, Nina. Just walking in there made me feel like I had just earned my mother's love and that she trusted me over my other siblings. She lead me to one of the many rooms in the house and and then tucked me in to the twin bed of my choice. I couldn't sleep so she stayed with me and read me one of the scenes from Alice In Wonderland. I don't remember which one, but it soothed me. When she realized I was still spooked, she crawled into bed with me, and she wrapped her arms around me. "It's okay Jas, mama's right here." she whispered into my right ear. I fell asleep in my mother's arms.

She sent me to Malaysia that following morning. 2 years later she has called me. She asked me how my stay was. She asked me if I liked the finalized script for CONSEQUENCES. She started talking about that night. She told me that Aikya, Allison, Lotus, Miki, and Misu have all been in the room and that she's proud of me for being one of the firsts and setting the standards. I wonder if Airemese and Nina were the one's before me. She also mentioned that there were new girls that she was excited for me to meet. She said that they were developing the fastest. Their names are Winnie and Dakota, one of them were apparently an experiment and she had been in the room the day after Anniken discovered her, and the other had already been in someone else's room so the room wasn't a challenge for her at all. I felt proud with her about everything, like I was seeing all of my sisters graduating high school. I asked her what about the others and she said soon. At least for some of them.

She sent a jet for me. She wanted me to come back to the states. I am in a taxi on the way to her house right now. She wants to talk about getting me back into the studio, she thinks I'm ready for a career now. For real this time.

So, I am on my way to the room.
Back to top
thanks 6 users thanked kandii for this useful post.
freestylechamp on 01/02/2016(UTC), mebeme101 on 01/02/2016(UTC), Welat65 on 01/02/2016(UTC), Atonic Records on 01/02/2016(UTC), erich hess on 01/02/2016(UTC), DistortedAudio on 05/02/2016(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#96 Posted : 10 July 2016 12:50:48(UTC)
erich hess
Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Moderators, Registered
Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC)
Posts: 42,618
Man
United States
Location: representing the 954

Thanks: 21681 times
Was thanked: 17917 time(s) in 10411 post(s)
UserPostedImage
the diary of gretchen geist allin


life is strange.
3 years ago i was living in Vienna,looking to go into the world of advertising. the shit is everywhere in today's world,so i wanted to at least make it fun and cute. but one day i was just sitting in class and thought : "fuck it! why am i doing this? my talent shouldnt be wasted selling people shit they dont need." so i up and left. i gave austria the finger and took off to japan. i already had quite a background in animation and figured i could make it big in japan. i dreamed fucking big. gargantuan. i wanted to work at studio ghibli. but...that didnt quite pan out. so i found myself being an exotic dancer at a yakuza run strip club. im well aware of what these folks are capable of,but honestly? i dont think its much different than any other job. i stay away from some of the seedier ways of making money there. i make plenty by just dancing. i am not that greedy! i know its a sleazy profession,but in 10 hours,i have rent paid. i have plans though,i am not going to be here forever. please. at 50 these things on my chest will be dragging the ground like ape hands! (yeah,they are implants,but so what? you werent born with tattoos) i do lots of investment and am doing pretty well. the things you can overhear in a yakuza club can be very useful ,if you know what to do. they have their hands in all sorts of legitimate business,so i have a bit of an inside track on things. a few more years of this and i should be golden.

i am lonely though. i was so hell bent on moving to japan that i didnt consider that: i know nobody here. due to my profession....i am NOT dating anyone i meet at work. well..i kinda did. for about a week. erica hess....my god have i had such a crush on her since watching big brother. i wasnt cool enough to know about the harlots before that. i actually am into metal and punk rock is....something i usually dont enjoy. it just seems so amateurish. but seeing erica on big brother...whew. she was hot. her sister was hot too,but erica has that extra little bit of cute that i just love. why didn erica win her season?! she was the most entertaining one on there! the only thing i can guess is people were scared to vote billy off. he seems half lovable,half insane on twitter. though he seemed pretty cool on big brother. nichole though...what a fucking bitch! and she didnt shave her armpits. ew.like,hello? do you even care about what you look like? im all for women being whatever they want,girl power and all that. but shave your fucking armpits. the privates? thats between you and the lord. i will not pass judgment for what someone chooses to do there. this story has a point though,really. you see...i got to meet erica hess and had a week long fling with her.

the first night i met her,she was falling down drunk. i dont know what went on,but she seems to be pretty good friends with juro. (the man who runs the club i work at.he is always nice to me. so i cant say bad about him) she had to be carried out of the place she was so drunk. eventually juro wanted one of the girls to go with her. not that he doesnt trust akira and tetsueo....ok,he doesnt trust them. they can be assholes to the girls that work in the club. would they threaten juro's wrath with erica? who knows. but juro wanted a woman there to clean erica up and tuck her into bed. which i did. i also stayed up all night to ensure erica didnt drown in her own vomit. like i said,she was reaaaaaalllly drunk. i eventually just wrapped her in a blanket and stuck her in the bathtub. i had to bathe her and couldnt lift her from the tub to the bed.shes tiny,but not picking up dead weight is hard and i didnt want to drop her. the next day....well,stuff may have happened. sure,i was a little star struck and really wanted to act on my crush. holy shit,was it ever good! i have never been with another woman before,i really didnt even think i was into women. but something about erica....whew.
after we had had our fun,we kept seeing each other for about a week. it really felt like i finally had someone to love. i know it sounds crazy and kinda of stalkery,but i love erica hess. i know we would be a great great couple. that is the weird thing about famous people. you have never met them,but you instantly feel you know them. i wonder what they talk about to each other? considering their stories are well known to everyone. do they start dates with , " i know you dont like cucumbers,so i had them make mashed potatoes."? i really was prepared to give my all to this thing with erica...until i learned she didnt actually live on the ship .she had a house in osaka! i never felt so cheap and used in my life. i mean really? i get the whole groupie thing,i do. but we spent so much time together over that week...how could it not have been anything more? so i finally had to call her on it. and she was pretty much like, " yeah? fucking deal with it. peasant." . i am sorry,but i am NOT that kind of person. i dont have low self esteem or daddy issues. i know i am a fucking catch. if she wants to treat me like a girlfriend? then we can talk. but not until i am treated as an equal.

i may have gotten a little pissed off and posted a picture dressed as sailor moon. in japan,the character has taken on a rather sinister meaning since the natalya dobros murder. it was horrible of me,and i am so willing to apologize to her. i was pissed off and go from zero to over 9000 when i get that way. i guess i wanted to show i wasnt the only one with power. i would be stupid to not see the similarities between me and her ex wife. (though i think i am way prettier,with a better boob job,and so much nicer.) other dancers at work have even taken to calling me natalya once it was clear i was fucking erica hess. i am not sure if erica is looking to replace her,or just really likes blonde Caucasian girls. i know she never asked me to do anything weird like be cool with being called natalya,or wear her dead wife's clothes. the closest i came was borrowing a pair of shorts that were nina sangria's. i spilled mashed potatoes on my shorts...this is the second time i mentioned potatoes. must be hungry. the power of spuds compels me! the power of spuds compels me!!! it sounds really creepy and stalkery...but i know erica and i would make a good couple. i am sensible,stable,and am pretty good with kids. i am totally ok with her keeping me from takara until we really get to know each other,but....i think i could be a stepmom to her. the cool kind of stepmom,not like that terrible juliya roberts movie. im going to give erica a week or so,and if she doesnt call me? im calling her. i dont think she knows what she had in her grasp.
UserPostedImage
UserPostedImage
"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.
Back to top
thanks 2 users thanked erich hess for this useful post.
genocidal king on 10/07/2016(UTC), kandii on 25/08/2016(UTC)
Offline kandii  
#97 Posted : 25 August 2016 16:10:50(UTC)
kandii
Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Registered
Joined: 18/03/2013(UTC)
Posts: 7,279
Woman
United States

Thanks: 16409 times
Was thanked: 10467 time(s) in 3435 post(s)
Niña Tarantino - 8/24/16 "Don't Let That Shit Get Cold"
UserPostedImage

Is Denny's usually this packed in the middle of the night? I didn't think this through.

Oh, right. Why am I here? I'm here because I wanted to eat. And think. And do both, in peace. I'm usually the person in the group who's always cheerful and cracking a joke and playing around but when I'm alone, I'm quiet and moody. So what happens the minute I start showing that side of me to the people I'm always around? "What's wrong? Are you okay? You mad at me?" God I can't fucking breathe without someone bothering me now. I swear if one more moron asks me if I've talked to Dietz....

You know Dietz right? Let me walk you through this. I'm taking you way way way back. Back when Dahlhouse was still a dream. At the time it was just me, Coke, Lotus, and Yasmine. Anniken was all of our managers and she had just landed a big job at Studio60 so of course she was scouting for more artists to take under her wing. Drew came along and helped out with writing, producing, jumped on some hooks and became a prominent name by accident. And then Allison popped up. She was the first of who I like to call the crazies and she came with a package deal. Her psychiatrist/boyfriend Dietz Von Schmidt. He's fine. Got a sexy German accent and everything, but when he starts talking about.. ionn know, mental health and shit, he gets real serious and scary but compassionate at the same time. It's weird, I've never talked to him for too long about anything other than music before because he just gives off that eerie feeling.. like he's prying into your deepest thoughts or something. Anyways, Allison was the first crazy to join us and she wasn't the last.. especially since we have all had to do some.. real weird shit..so now it's like all of us are crazy... Fast forward to Dahlhouse now being an actual thing and not only is Dietz managing all the indie girls, he's EVERYBODY'S psychiatrist.. in fact, we're only allowed to talk to him. It's mandatory.. once every month. Whatever, the details aren't important, I try not to think on this bullshit for too long but, well, you know me.

"Don't let that shit get cold," Mamá said that to me every night when she came home from work, practically throwing a takeout box at my face. Every night. She was your typical waitress, working crazy shifts despite hating the shit out of her job. My dad was a taxi driver when he was in town and a truck driver when he wasn't, and my brothers sold whatever the cornerfolk paid for. That always left me home this time of night. I never could get sleep and I knew while all the men of the house found something to support themselves, I had to wait for mi querida maaadre to bring home some stale leftovers that she stole from the kitchen. It was always fucking cold. Not room temperature, cold. Always. I rolled my eyes at her every time she said it, thinking maybe she meant to say something else but it don't translate right to English cus she's stupid. To think this whole time she was just telling me to not think on things that are already shitty. Everything feels worst when you let it stir in your soul.

Too bad that's all I do. I let it sit, I sleep on it and then I wake up in the morning and wash my face with it.

I'm no angel. I think I think I am just because I've separated myself from my past. I think I think I am because every time I bring it up in a song, I scrap it and pretend like I never wrote it in the first place. But I gotta face it. I was 13 when I started having to work for myself. Growing up with my brothers, I always felt like I had to compete with them because the way my dad looked at them never failed to remind me I'd never compare. So yeah, I did exactly what they did and I had a deep passion to do it better. At the end of the day, we had each others backs, but at the crack of dawn, we were all at war. I even got Badilón locked up. 16. Selling whatever, fucking whoever, ratting out her own blood brothers. By the time I was 17, I was in way too deep. 18 and I pissed some dudes off, fucked around and got myself shot and they even burned our house down. Anniken let us all move in but it was only 2 months before some of them caught up with Aire one day, thinking I was her and... We all just ran to the states. All of us.

I don't know, we started doing the music thing for fun, then it became serious. The whole thing is a blur, considering it's supposed to be a huge turning point in my life. But even though it's been almost 4 years since I've gone from.. that to.. this, I don't feel like nothing's changed. Because it hasn't. I'm not fucking stupid, I know what The Room is, I know what it means and I did it anyways.

It's like a test. Once Anniken knows you well enough, she figures out the one thing you'd never forgive yourself for and she lets you choose.
You still have a career if you choose x, you still have a career if you choose y. It's just that one of the choices leaves you with better funding, promotion, and a better relationship with her.
I know how it works but I just don't know why it's needed in the first place.

Misu and Dae Ho Park. They're twins, they've stuck up for each other through everything because they're all they've got. What was their Room? They had to fuck. Not just once, there had to be like an ongoing sexual relationship. The worst thing about this is not them being related, but just knowing them and how they are.. it's not right. I don't care, I might have fucked around with Dae before but it was in all fun. Together, as a pair of twins, they're still KIDS, especially Misu. It just doesn't.. it's not right.

Aikya. Her Room was the first and it was televised. She was thrown onto Big Brother for all of her anxieties to be displayed on international television. The whole world laughed as she had a mental breakdown on the first. fucking. night. People still make frying pan jokes, even she does too sometimes.

Allison's is similar, or at least it will be once Consequences finally wraps up filming. She's perfect for the leading part because she's been living the part her whole life. Who sanely agrees to reenacting their whole sexually abusive childhood?? The character even has D.I.D., and we all know Allison has about 5 people living in her head. When you think of it like that, the whole show is so dark, and yet we all have to have a part in it.

Yasmine. Her father died when she was 12. The police report will tell you it was another random fight in an NYC alley but Yasmine and her momma have to live with the fact that they killed the only man in their lives and moved the body, even if in self defense. He was so distracted beating the shit out of her mom that he didn't see Yasmine sneak up behind him, ready to strangle him with one of her hijabs. Her Room was a whole reenactment. The only thing real about it was the poor guy who had to play her dad, rest his soul.

Look at me talking like I'm ashamed. I think it's twisted but, ultimately I respect it. Do what you gotta do, and so forth. I'm not even sitting in the middle of Denny's at 2 in the morning, talking to myself through a sheet of paper about stuff I already know to even complain about this shit. I'm here to complain about this weird feeling.

Last month or so, I woke up in the middle of the night and I got a file. It was Coke's album. Anniken had a meeting with me later that day and told me to leak it if I wanted, and only if I wanted. I wasn't gonna leak it, I didn't have a reason to. It wouldn't even hurt her, leaks happen all the time these days. We have our moments but she's my bitch, she's my business partner, she's an asset, why would I screw that up? I honestly don't know why. I let that file sit on my computer for a whole week and then I just did. I betrayed her. The girl who took me in when I was on the brink of death. One of only 2 people to ever walk this planet Earth and come close to knowing the real me, the only other being Aikya. The same person who got ran through by a whole fucking gang just because she happened to look like me on the wrong day. It was like I thought about all the shit I let people do to me during my 4 years of exile and just launched a warning missile with that button. I would say my Room was easy, but I'm almost certain that wasn't the room. Me and Coke are the OGs. We know about all the rooms, we know what's going on with everyone, and we helped build this whole empire off of blood money. But in this school a fucked up shit, Anniken's the headmaster and we're just the student body presidents. We're still under the same law.. just with higher expectations. This feels like only the beginning.

What if I don't need Anniken for the rest? What if she knows that?

Edited by user 25 August 2016 16:23:45(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified
Back to top
thanks 4 users thanked kandii for this useful post.
BrownSugar on 25/08/2016(UTC), erich hess on 25/08/2016(UTC), freestylechamp on 25/08/2016(UTC), RoseJapanFan on 15/11/2016(UTC)
Offline freestylechamp  
#98 Posted : 03 November 2016 03:40:24(UTC)
freestylechamp
Rank:: Advanced Member

Groups: Registered
Joined: 13/07/2013(UTC)
Posts: 7,116
Man
United States

Thanks: 9247 times
Was thanked: 6094 time(s) in 2656 post(s)
I never realize that I would get comfortable looking up at white ceiling in hospitals. My life changed the first time I was like this, for the record I don't even remember what I was like before I know I was a rapper but what I was like being a rapper I can't remember. Putting yourself in the hospital and getting put in the hospital are two different things but the first time was scary. Everyone dies eventually, nothing last forever, not memories, nor a statue not even sharing your name with a planet. Everything fades over time and things change. What you were and how history remembers blurs into something else and that is just the way this reality works and it scares a lot of people. I felt happy this go around, all the fucked up shit that I have done and all the things that happen to me I can truly said that I right now in this hospital bed I am happy. I remember when I first started on this warpath and it was hard in the beginning I had to lose a lot of things that were important in retrospect. I will be lying if I said I was the same person cause listening to my old stuff I don't like it. I think it's bland and generic that the me now would have hated that generic "gangsta" that persona that was a big part of my life. Recovery is a word that has a different meaning for me, I never recovered my love for music mostly because I now have a different outlet for me than putting music out there. I may never recover from the physical damage I have taken you know I had the bone in my foot replaced as well as getting shoulder surgery and reattached fingers. The wonders of modern medicine today. I may not recover the sanity I lost a while back even though now I'm talking to doctors and psychiatrists about brain trauma and how I'm a different person because of it. The things that I loss were important to me before but not now, the real thing that I have recovers or for a better term resurfaced is that I have been thinking about death and when will I be done. Anniken from what I heard takes crazy people like me and gives them a better life, takes them on a better path. Maybe I not meant to be on that path cause my life hasn't gotten better, it's just darker. The first time I was in the hospital I thought I heard a angel telling me that my work isn't done but now I know better, that was the devil saying that he wasn't through with me yet. He fed into my anger my resentment my frustration and used all of that to bend me over. Strip me of what made me human and kept the fire going to create a monster for his amusement. It's scary what people with a lot of money and pull so you can do what you want. I got enjoyment out of it and I did what I was told and got what I wanted. It's not about me now, it is about what he wants and while I'm satisfy with the things I've done this isn't over, far from it. Weeks have gone by and my shoulder is still numb and hard to move I need a cane to get around. I was never a person that thought this was how my life was going to turn up we all picture things with us as the main character and things working out for us. That isn't the case anymore, I'm broken beyond repair now and there isn't anything that is going to change that. I don't feel anything anymore not even the pleasure I got from hearing about Aikya and what she did for me, why she did those things for me? I kept thinking about it and going to counseling for it but it doesn't help. Nothing helps I don't know what to do with myself cause being in that room being torture was the most alive I felt I thought that would be the end I don't even have the energy to go out. I'm damage so much so that I don't see what will put me back together. Talking to people have shown me that I have gone past my breaking point. I have lost my empathy not only for others but for myself. I put myself in dangerous points just to see if I come back. I look back on the things that I done that gave me happiness and now it makes me think that Those people hurt me cause they didn't know how to deal with themselves their emotional support was there but what of mine. Did they see that and decided not to do anything? What gave them the right to look at me with pity. I don't care anymore this isn't about them this isn't about me this about what is best for business and the business say more, more. Your not finished, there is still more to do, more punishment, more anger, more spite, more emotions and I have none left to give. I spent all of me, I don't have anything left in me. I have one kidney, replaced bones in my feet, repair shoulder, reattached limbs, broken bones, Many times I tried to killed myself which was painful and left a lot of scars, what more do you want from me? I am but a spectator in my own life, I don't feel sorry for the things that I have done but I am just over it all. I'm over with being judge and judging other, over friends and family that I haven't spoken to, over with enemies that I obsess with, I'm over life that was underwhelming and disappointing. It's is the end, I'm done I just want to sit here and close my eyes and hope that I don't open them again to see those white blank ceilings. 'Your not finish yet.' 'There is more work to be done,' I am restless drained beaten damaged but I still breath, I still open my eyes to see that ceiling above me, I curse that ceiling and everything in my being that allows me to open my eyes again. I keep waiting for the end to come for this suffering to be over yet here I am waking up again still sore still numb still wondering when this will end.

Banners:
UserPostedImage
UserPostedImage
Back to top
thanks 4 users thanked freestylechamp for this useful post.
BrownSugar on 03/11/2016(UTC), erich hess on 03/11/2016(UTC), kandii on 06/11/2016(UTC), RoseJapanFan on 15/11/2016(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#99 Posted : 12 November 2016 11:51:32(UTC)
erich hess
Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Moderators, Registered
Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC)
Posts: 42,618
Man
United States
Location: representing the 954

Thanks: 21681 times
Was thanked: 17917 time(s) in 10411 post(s)
UserPostedImage



home again,home again. i do have to say i thought i would never be back here again. my last moment in this house consisted of me putting a brick on my father's 1923 silver ghost and watching it power across the lawn and into an oak. it was one of the few things his money couldnt buy. there arent many surviving examples left. and i made sure there was one less that day. i will not be ignored. needless to say,i do not have good memories in this house. yet. i am sure my new family will fill this place with the laughter and love that its been needing for decades. its truly shame this property felt so dismal for most of my life. it truly is a beautiful home. first constructed in 1490 and remodeled in 1845. we've got a library,and art gallery,more bedrooms than we could ever fill. staff quarters,a carriage house, and a proper dungeon. it turns out there was still some middle ages goodies left in there. im having reproductions made. A for sanitation and B for reliability. for fun,cassie hopped on the rack and tried the shackles on. im pretty sure the dust was far more dangerous than the actual rack at this point. but we had a good laugh any way.

part of the arrangement of ownership involved me actually meeting with my sister. Karolien is my twin,but looks about 10 years older than i do. (i wont say how old she is,because that would state my age. and trust me,my real age wont even be on my tombstone. ) and dresses like a fucking nun. which is a shame,because i know she's got quite the body. (twins,after all) karolien,to her credit,actually did honor the price of 5 dollars she told gia. karolien told me it would kill mother and father if they could see me with kids. this would be quite the joke,but it seems they died several years ago. this was the first time i heard of it. so...yeah. not that i was upset. being upset would imply that i cared about them. i simply replied with an "oh" at the news. my sister seemed to have the same amount of interest i had in them. possibly less so. since i was the black sheep,it was on karolien's shoulders to be the head of the family now. which is pretty sad as she is the last verlinden. she took after my father and had zero interest in children,so it was unlikely she would be able to pass the estate to any one. karolien had me sign forms saying that cassie and i wouldnt tear the house down,paint it purple or something. and if we ever sold it,karolien would have first notice and the price would be 5 dollars. the meeting with my sister lasted all of ten minutes. there wasnt much to say to each other. the only thing we had in common were dead parents. i think karolien was tired of the upkeep on the property and was happy to be rid of it. she's lived in antwerp for a few years. knowing her,probably deeply involved in the swindle of the diamond trade. now that im older,i actually want a relationship with my sister. im actually jealous of how erica is with her sister. i want that. but i know i cant have it. karolien and i just have nothing to say to each other. this transaction was the closest thing to a reconciliation we will ever have.

hearing the children's oohs and ahhs over the house was lovely. not that our california home was a hovel by any means,but it didnt reek of old money like this place does.i think belgium will be good for all of us. the kids have been extremely interested in where i am from since the days i was "the lady" instead of "mom.". it feels like hogwarts to them and i imagine it's quite the treat to run around in. at the moment,its still so unexplored to them that it feels like the layout is always changing. having them here makes me more determined than ever to give them a life where they know they are loved and wanted. i remember many years ago thinking that erica was being a drama queen when she told me she hated being in japan after the tsunami had killed her parents. (mine were just old and died naturally. i think they were about 45 when they had karolien and i.) but yeah...i can understand her now. if i'm in a room by myself,i am taken right back to feeling abandoned as child. who knows if this feeling will ever go away? though now when it rears its head,its not anger as much as just sadness. was there something wrong with karolien and i? is that why we were just ignored? she and i tried so hard to get some sort of approval. but it was like dealing with one of the empty suits of armor in the halls. " thats nice. here's some money." it didnt matter if we succeeded or failed,the response was the same. i used to think my sister was stupid for not catching onto the game sooner,but i think she just wasnt as easily discouraged as i.

that enough bitching from me. im not a whiner,im not erica fucking hess. ugh,i dont mean that. i wish i could be as open as she is. on a brighter note,i found a cat roaming the grounds. so i am keeping him. rolo is nice and all,but i much rather prefer cats. still in the pokemon mood,the kids demanded we call him meowth...he looks like an asmodeus to me,but who am i to deny such children?
UserPostedImage
UserPostedImage
"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.
Back to top
thanks 4 users thanked erich hess for this useful post.
genocidal king on 12/11/2016(UTC), BrownSugar on 15/11/2016(UTC), RoseJapanFan on 15/11/2016(UTC), kandii on 11/01/2017(UTC)
Online BrownSugar  
#100 Posted : 15 November 2016 09:10:16(UTC)
BrownSugar
Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Moderators, Registered
Joined: 18/02/2011(UTC)
Posts: 27,668
Man
United Kingdom
Location: In between the couch cushions

Thanks: 11111 times
Was thanked: 19124 time(s) in 7592 post(s)
UserPostedImage

Scott Jay Edward Wellington - 14/11/16


There's a whole bunch of negative shit going on in my life right now that I cannot avoid. I can suppress it for the cameras and for Jennifer but when the lights go out and I'm left with nothing but my own thoughts, it all comes rushing to the forefront and I cannot shake it. This isn't the regular crap that I put up with. After being told that I can't sing literally 24/7, I've grown more or less numb to that and all of the other petty running commentaries these keyboard warriors hurl at me. Hate my face? Cool, don't look. Can't stand my political stances? Block me. Want me dead? Go right a fan fiction about it. I couldn't give a fuck. Words are just words. Sounds that briefly ring in the ears. Characters on a page that can easily be erased. I've grown a thick skin over time and learned that they can only hurt me if I allow them to. Words are fucking powerful and have the ability to change nations but they can also cut deep. I deafen myself to them. Some call it ignorance but I call it self-preservation. Unfortunately, others are tipped right over the edge with words as simple as "yes" and "no", which is exactly what I want to get off of my chest here in this diary. I want to...I NEED to share what keeps me up at night besides little Finn. I killed a man. Well, I feel responsible, at least.

Luke Striker was a talented young man. Rough around the edges but overall you could say he was a fine lad. A gentleman, even. An EP filled with hits and a debut album lauded by the critics under his belt, it seemed like he was on top of the world to anyone on the outside. Even those closest to him had been tricked into believing everything was hunky dory. As we all know now, this sadly was not the case. Luke took his own like in 2015 just when things were really starting to take off for him. He hanged himself at his home and his body was discovered by a friend who was an ex-addict just like Luke. Yeah, nobody knew that Mr Striker had been battling with the demons of drugs and alcohol as well as severe depression until it all came out in the press after his death. Except that's not entirely true though. I knew. Aside from his small group of coked up friends who enabled him, I am the only person he poured his heart out to as far as I know. Did I help? No. I did fucking nothing. I sent him away when he came to my door at 1:30 A.M. I probably sent the guy to his death. I always tell myself that I had good reason to but I've ran over those lines for 18 months now and I'm not sure if I'm only telling myself what I want to hear or if I was right in my actions. Let's hope writing this down helps any.

My beautiful wife, Jennifer, hasn't had the easiest life. I won't go into it as it's not my story to tell but everything I've suffered is pretty vanilla in comparison. Soap opera writers and reality TV pitchers would be drooling over her tales, let's just say. Since meeting Jen though, things have really turned around for her. I'm not saying I'm a knight in shining armour because I have so much fucking baggage too, but we've really grown together both in our personal and professional lives. Our careers flourished and blossomed into things we never imagined, she had not long changed her last name to Wellington and the idea of having our first child had crept into our minds when Luke came over in a state looking for Jen. They were extremely close friends. Jennifer featured on a huge hit song of his a few years back and they were both part of a collective called "FYT" (Fine, Young & Talented) which was basically a bunch of young musicians and childhood friends who all broke out into the music scene together around 2010/2011. Safe to say, they go way back.

While Jennifer was fast asleep I answered the door cautiously after hearing the feeble knocking on it as I was sat in the living room. Not going to lie, I was shitting myself. Who knocks on a door at that hour? I soon shook that feeling off though. Knowing that we live in a gated community with security, nobody would be allowed to approach the house unless it was the security themselves, the authorities, a neighbour or a familiar face. Someone calling around at one in the morning alerted me. It must be serious. In all fairness, it was, but in that moment I brushed it off and became more defensive when I should have been more compassionate...I think. Luke was in a right fucking state. His eyes red and heavy. His hands and voice shook uncontrollably. How he managed to travel over to our place and not turn any heads as well as remain in one piece is beyond me. He was broken. Mumbles and long tear-filled spiels about how he needed to see Jennifer filled the deadly quiet night air. I could tell that he wasn't just upset though. Luke had been using and abusing something and I could smell the alcohol as soon as I opened the door. He put a foot in the door without permission, ready to step into our lives and involve Jennifer in his mess. I made a snap decision, pushed him back and told him he wasn't wanted. That sounds so fucking harsh as I recall it but like I said, Jen's life was never easy and Luke was a strong reminder of her past. If he brought all of his shit on our doorstep I know for a fact that it would have had a huge impact on my wife. She's strong-willed but her big heart and affection for Luke would have made her walls crumble and potentially set her back a few years after working so hard to turn her life around. I know she would have never turned Luke away had she been the one to answer the door. Maybe I was a little too harsh with what I said to him and I can't recall my exact words but it was enough to make it clear that he wasn't wanted around here and that he shouldn't bother us again. It seems cold and heartless but I was protecting my wife and our future.

Two days later I received the news that Luke had been found dead in his home. Jennifer was distraught. A huge part of her life...just gone. Stating the obvious but death really is final and it's so much harder to process when it's sudden and unexpected. I know she still thinks about him to this day and I don't blame her. Not saying that she isn't allowed to grieve for a dear friend. I'll also never discredit Luke as a person, friend and artist. He was fucking talented and brought joy to many people. I just couldn't risk his downfall bringing Jennifer and I down too. Was it even worth it though? I always think about all the different possibilities. If I had let Luke in, would he have brought everything down in flames or would he have gotten the help he was seeking? Would he still be alive? Would he have driven a wedge between us? Would our son Finn even be here today if I had accepted Luke? I often gaze at the family portrait we have above the fireplace. A huge canvas of myself, Jennifer and a newborn Finn, all smiles, full of hope and just preparing to set out on the journey of the rest of our lives. Is that the happy ending I truly wanted or is it a false image? I'm smiling but covering the pain. Finn is full of innocence and hasn't the first clue about adult life, while Jennifer looks happier than ever in the photograph yet has no idea what her husband did.

Luke is gone and things look exactly the way I envisioned. Literally picture perfect. Will he still find a way to turn everything upside down even in death, though? Did I do the right thing?
UserPostedImage
UserPostedImageUserPostedImage
UserPostedImageUserPostedImage

WEEKEND: BILLY • DUSTYN • OSCAR • RILEY • SCOTT
PUBLIC WARNING: BEAU • CARTER LEE • JAKE • MYLES • ZANDER
THE STAT NERDS: BRIAN • CHRISTOPHER
THE ZONE: BLAKE • CHRIS • JASON • LIAM

JOSHUA GRIMMIE • LINCOLN • LAYLA • MERCEDES • MICHELLE GREEN
ANDREA • DENEIL • CHICAGO NOBODY • BLOOM • SONNY • VICTORIA BLACK
REUBEN • ELLIE-GRACE SUMMERS • ALFIE SUMMERS • MICAH DELISLE
JAMIE JACKSON • KONSTANTIN • FAYETTE • SAYYID
Back to top
thanks 5 users thanked BrownSugar for this useful post.
erich hess on 15/11/2016(UTC), RoseJapanFan on 15/11/2016(UTC), freestylechamp on 15/11/2016(UTC), Famouss7x7 on 11/01/2017(UTC), kandii on 11/01/2017(UTC)
Users browsing this topic
Guest
6 Pages«<3456>
Forum Jump  
You cannot post new topics in this forum.
You cannot reply to topics in this forum.
You cannot delete your posts in this forum.
You cannot edit your posts in this forum.
You cannot create polls in this forum.
You cannot vote in polls in this forum.

Powered by YAF.NET | YAF.NET © 2003-2024, Yet Another Forum.NET
This page was generated in 0.996 seconds.