"There is a hell, believe me, I've seen it..."

'Pretence is the hardest thing to keep up. I've had my fill'



It's a bittersweet moment, that one when you finally realise something you've known all along. It's refreshing to give into that thought, that knowledge that's always been there, to stop trying to hide it from everyone. But at the same time, it just brings with it a fresh sort of stress and questioning from everyone else. No one who has experienced it will ever understand what I mean, of course. I'm the one that's not normal - for everyone else, I'm the outcast, the weirdo, the one they can point and nod their head towards. But that's not the part that bothers me at all. It's the simple fact that even though I'm happy to accept what I've known all along deep down, it's a troubling thought, a terrifying realisation, and a mindset that is pretty much going to change how the rest of my life plays out, how other people see me, and how they treat me, above all else.

I've never been the type to fit in. I couldn't tell you the name of a single Chicago Blackhawks player, and for a lad brought up in the Windy City, that's like uploading a YouTube clip of yourself shitting on a burning fucking bible. I've also never had a group that I fit into. At school, all of the guys were dressing as skaters and talking about the best set of tits in the school, or who they had fictionally fucked at some nonsensical party that was more than likely just a beer each in a basement. I wasn't one of them. I didn't give a fuck about girls and how they looked. I cared how I looked. If I looked at myself in the mirror and thought that I could pass through the day unnoticed, it would be a success. It was, of course, a lack of confidence. I was 14/15 and I didn't want people to notice me. I was a skinny guy with a guitar collection larger than the egos of most of my friends. And even then I was uncool. Other people were screaming the lyrics to Blood of Wecz's early work and talking about how amazingly brutal it was. Where was I? I was in the corner, listening to the same music, but marvelling at the fucking time signatures and the picking techniques of the guitarists. You can see where I'm coming from here, eh?

Even in adult life, it's been something of a constant struggle. Fitting in was never a problem when I was in high school. It's a fucking high school - it needed its weirdos and outcasts. I was only too happy to step into the rule. If some jock asshole who thinks a football shirt is acceptable to wear 24/7 doesn't want to talk to me, then you know what? I count that as a serious win. It's not the same in adult life though. No one accepts that you just want to be left alone, no one thinks you'll "grow out of" not wanting to have other people around when you're working, eating, sleeping, or whatever the hell else you might be doing. It forces you to don a mask that you never even knew existed, and mine was probably too good for my own wellbeing in the last few years. I joined one of the world's biggest bands at 15, and I was immediately thrust into a world where I was the centre of attention. Thankfully I was working with a man who sucks attention away from everyone, so it meant I could still hide in plain sight, but I was still expected to be there for the public picking.

That's not my main gripe, though. Even me, the major introvert that I am, can accept that as a professional musician, if I want to get my work out there and heard - and that is the main goal after all - I need to be able to put my own issues aside for a short time so I can appear normal. I need to be able to smile, say something nice and give interesting interviews. I can do that, though. Like I said, I forged that mask years ago, and it's one that still fits as well as it did on day one. What I can't deal with is other people, really. I came to this realisation when I was faced with spending three weeks on a bus with what is/was/might be my best friend in the entire world.

Before I start this, I have to say one thing - Scott Rose-Hilton is a guy I owe the world to. He taught me everything about being a professional musician. I've always been a top musician, but I could never have been the pro I am without him and the help he gave me. I never could have left home at 15 without his support and his wing. But.....fucking hell I can't stand him. This was the big realisation that came to me a few days before Christmas when we were travelling to Cardiff in Wales for a Blood of Wecz show. I'm faced with a guy who wants to laugh and joke with me one minute, and then wants to sit and cry about missing his wife and kids the next. I can't empathise. I don't have the capacity for it. Am I empty? Maybe so, but all I know is I want to have a cig and an apple and play my guitar. I wish I could find the patience to sit there and listen to how much he misses his wife, I really do, but I can't. When he talks, I just think "shut the fuck up."

So I told him on the road to Cardiff. And that was that. We haven't spoken since then. Not a word - not an angry moment, not an argument, nothing. Fror those who saw us in Cardiff and Manchester, I know it was obvious. It felt laboured and false on stage those nights, and I really did not want to even come back for these last few nights. But I have to. It all comes down to professionalism. Even if this is the most awkward place I've ever been in my life.

But where does a guy go from here? I can hardly go back to wearing the mask again - not now that the guy I was masking myself from most knows the truth. Do I really want a life that's empty, alone and totally unfulfilled? Of course not. I have my parents, and I will always love them. My parents know how not to push me too far. They let me do what I want and need and they always respect my privacy. They are the best two people I have ever known. I also have what I would consider to be a friend. Erich Hess. The guy shares similar interests to me, and I can shoot him a Twitter message about hair - remember that all I care about aside from music is how I look - and things that relate to the old movies that I love. It's nice to have that without the need for me to hear about all of the things emotionally affecting his life. And do I want a girlfriend? It would be normal at this stage to say no, considering what I've admitted to myself, but yes, yes I do. I've felt single for a long long time. No one seems to match me, but I'd like to have that one person that I can let in. One person that I can have a real connection with emotionally. I don't want to have to hide who I am for it, but I want to find a girlfriend. Someone who's not shallow, someone who doesn't need me to always be romantic. Hey, I can do romantic, I can be caring and I can be the best boyfriend you've ever had, but I want a connection that's so much more. I need someone who understands me and who I can understand. I've never had that special connection. I feel if I did, that would be the person I could open up to, the person I could be emotional and completely open to.

Unhappily alone, yet happy to be left alone - that's the fucked up paradox that is the secret private life of Mark Talley. I've come to terms with it. Now I just need to find someone to love who can as well.

Yeah,

Mark.

9/1/14

Okay, so confession time; I really like Kellin. He's perfect. He's handsome and sweet, he genuinely cares about me and he's always contacting me. I don't feel lost or alone in this relationship for once. It's been half a year since we've started dating and I've never felt happier. He makes me feel amazing, all the time. I'm never sad when he's around, it's incredible. He's always on the road and I'm usually working or in school but we've talked a lot, almost each day. We talk about everything and nothing, it's just relaxing to know we can do that. I wasn't very confident but he makes me feel like I'm worth it. It's a beautiful feeling.

I've been going back and forth with myself on this but I feel like...I'm in love. With Alex I loved him but I didn't think he loved me like I loved him. With Kellin, it's different. I can feel how much he cares about me. So the next time we see each other, I'll tell him. I'll make sure he knows. It could go great or horribly wrong. But somehow, I know it'll be amazing because there's never a bad time with Kellin. Veronica is happy with Rory again and I hope they stay together. They are wonderful even if they are equally stubborn and sometimes crazy. It's just when you find someone who can put up with your weirdness and find you even more beautiful because of it, that's when you know you have the one. Kellin is my one, at least I think. He's inspired me to do things I haven't before, which is why I've been writing music. I've never sang in front of people before but I've been told I've got a great tone. Maybe....just maybe it'll be a possibility.