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(ooc: Trying to bring in a more sinister, less obvious "bitch". Trying a very different kind of intro too, hope it works :)Cassie Bitch: A Scientific Study - By Professor Kaylee Comatose Professor Comatose BioProfessor Comatose, or Kaylee to her friends, is a law student at the University of Yale, an Ivy League school of much distinction. As well as studying towards a prestigious law degree, Professor Comatose has also gained other massively significant higher education qualifications. Her academic career however, has held back her real dream of becoming a musician. Now that she has something to fall back on, and something quite outstanding at that, Kaylee is ready to cash in on her surname, and make it big in the industry.
The surname is no mistake. It is no monicker merely acquired by the highly intelligent Kaylee to drive her on to success. No no, you see, Kaylee is in fact the long-lost sibling of arguably the biggest music star ever to grace the earth, Jakey Comatose. She may never have met the star, and he may never have known of her existence, but it appears that Comatose's father was far more promiscuous than anyone could have known.
Born on March 17 1988 to a mother who had conducted a drunken one night stand with the aforementioned Mr. Comatose, Kaylee has lived a privileged life from the day she was born.
Kaylee was brought up in Greenwich, Conneticut by her biological mother, and a father who new that Kaylee was not his own. Her intelligence was noticed by those around her from a very young age, and she skipped grades twice through elementary school. Attending private middle schools and high schools, Kaylee was able to develop her intelligence, leaving her as the highly sought after brain that she now is. At the age of just 23 years old, Kaylee Comatose already has one first class Bachelors honors degree from MIT (BSc Human Psychology (Hons), and one Masters degree from the prestigious British school, St Andrews University (MA English Lit), one PhD from another British school, this time Oxford University (PhD philosophy and visual arts), and is now mere months from achieving her final academic goal, earning the LLB in law from Yale.
Is there anyone else with even a smidgeon of Kaylee's intelligence in the industry? In short; no. And she knows just how to use this, and her name, to exploit everyone and everything to her own benefit.AbstractThis paper will look into the mindset of Cassandra "Bitch" Summers, and will ask just what it is all about.IntroductionThe paper will achieve its goal in the following way. (i) Viewing Cassandra, looking at its accomplishments to date, and weighing this up against its standing in culture. It will also consider its other activities, and discuss how and why each of these has contributed to it becoming such a cultural phenomenon and enigma. (ii) This is an important question because it will help discover how something can become popular despite being clearly useless fundamentally, practically speaking, in the similar way that a slinky, a spacehopper, or Glee may be considered. (iii) The technique used was to merely observe the enigma in its natural habitat for the past year, and study its mannerisms, and its activities. (iv) The paper will show that Cassandra "Bitch" Summers is indeed useless, but even this paper, and this brain cannot fathom why. Although the most feasible estimated analyses are outlined in the conclusion.MethodsDespite the frivolous matters that they often deal with, it was necessary for the scientist conducting this paper to read such low brow publications such as Chaos Magazine, and the Sun and Daily Star newspaper, as well as websites with the poor intelligence quotient average (in terms of readership), such as Culture Uncut. These methods are easily justifiable (despite the mind-numbing properties of them), when we see that these are the places where the subject itself has grown to become most "significant". By looking at these, the scientist in question was able to determine how it got famous, and where and when. The major remaining question though, was why.The ResultsThis scientist looked at the aforementioned publications to ascertain firstly, the achievements of Cassandra to this present day. These "achievements" are listed below.
- Attended all of elementary school, middle school and high school. Failing SAT's along the way, and leaving at the earliest available moment in time. It is unclear whether it made the effort to attend and increase its own intelligence, and was just too stupid to do so, or whether it was merely disinterested, and thusly made no effort.
- Formed a band straight out of school. The band was named *Cosmic Beauty Contest*, and the stars suggest to this scientist, that the subject was attempting to garner interest in its band by appealing to those who have small stars tattooed around their bodies, in a strangely unoriginal attempt to be different. The scientist has ascertained that these people are known in society as "scene kids". The addition of four men with side fringes to its band, and the subsequent blonde streak in its own side fringe, only increases the likelihood of this scientist's inference being the correct one.
- Released a single with this band. The single was to address matters such as fellatio, infidelity, and the theft of another person's partner for the end purpose of sexual activity. It doesn't take a PhD to work out the psychology behind this. By courting "controversy", the subject assumed that it could sell more copies of its debut single. Despite courting such controversy, the single never charted anywhere in the world, and the subject had a major falling out with the band, in which she sacked them all. This was another attempt, evidently, to garner controversial curiosity.
- Formed another band, this time named GL(i)TCH. This band was formed with the express intention of capitalising on her now well known, "Bitch" persona. By hiring another "bitch", namely Danish DJ "sensation" Ada Larsen, the subject tried, and failed to drum up an interest in a second band. The name for this band, stemmed from what this scientist believes was a public disagreement with Stephanie Fierce, in which Ms Fierce described the subject as "Lassie Glitch". The name for the band is therefore, yet again, an attempt to feed off controversial circumstances.
- Won a Chaos Award for "Best Personality". This is a matter which may be sidestepped, as the ambiguity surrounding the word "best" is clearly not a matter for scientific papers.---END ACHIEVEMENTS-- Secondly, it was vital that the scientist look at other instances which have apparently contributed to the popularity of this non-event, to see why it is popular. These are listed below. - Got itself pregnant to a man it had just met, who looks like he has constantly "won" last place in the worst Kiss convention look-alike contest ever.
- Announced it's pregnancy a mere 3 days after conception. A strange decision considering that the first few weeks are very dangerous. Thus, it can only be assumed that it could not wait for the publicity any longer.
- Latched onto a previously well known "bitch" in "kamikaze" Kathleen Cruz-Bishop. Perhaps a joint study would shed more light on the reasons behind each of these non events gaining notoriety. The start of a lesbian affair at this point only serves to show the attention seeking quality of both. What is more controversial in pop than anything else? Homosexuality. Each of these had seen the rise of pop star Katie Coyle on a wave of genuine homosexuality, and have leapt onto the bandwagon, to ride the wave as it were. Another easy psychoanalysis.
- Argues repeatedly with some of the worlds biggest pop stars. Miss Vanity, Stephanie Fierce, Ryan Ross Hernandez, Eric Quillington and Katie Coyle have all fallen foul to this tactic. Why? Does it even need describing. Other people's coat tails are easier to grab than trying to earn a coat of ones own. The subject is clearly savvy to this.
- Name changes. The subject is well known for changing the names of popular stars, to attempt to be "funny". Favourites are; The Lord Tranity, Old Lady Fierce, Kuntie Coyle, Dying Dross Fernandez, and Eric Weedington. The point from above is mirrored in this one.
- Its attempt to oust a member of another band. This is currently being seen day-by-day, as the subject attempts to oust Lauren England from her position in the band, Big light Show. Why? This band are not well known, nor even signed. Why does the subject wish to take over this unknown band. It's simple. Notoriety.
- Its rants in magazines and "blogs". This point has been left until last, as it is most confusing. The subject appears to aimlessly rant at other people for up to 2,000 words at a time, and the public lap it up. Presumably, the public are merely reading this as some sarcastic in joke that this scientist is not party to, and are secretly all laughing at the subject.---END FINDINGS-- ConclusionTo conclude this scientific paper, would be unwise. This scientist will close this paper with some statements, but it is important to note that this study is still an open chapter, as a logical outcome could not be found.
The thoughts are as follows; The subject is very famous, despite having very little to offer the world. That much is obvious. The reasons why this is true are non existent. It courts controversy, and hangs onto other people's fame and fortune to build a career for itself. At no point in its "career" has it achieved anything. It merely built a career out of talking about what other people are doing.
This subject is clearly not totally chimp-like in the brain. It has the ability to learn, much like a dolphin. It has found that if it repeats the same trick, people will throw it a fish, and so it does. But people get fed up of this sort of thing. It will be interesting to revisit this paper once the tides have turned on the subject.Closing ThoughtsThis scientist has conducted this paper for one reason. The scientist plans to bring about the subject of anyone using the term "Bitch", as their career building tool. Cassandra Summers, you are first. I may be clever, I may be super smart, but believe me, I am coming for you. You might not see me coming, you might not hear me coming, but when I do...it'll be the last ever thing that happens in your insignificant existence. |
