damn i used to vent on here all the time & nowadays i stop myself cus i think nobody cares but nobody cared back then either so whats stopping me fr 😭 ok lets start from the top



i broke my phone again 💔💔💔 when im phoneless it just reminds me of life before i ever had one. i could make up stuff and do music i like that. i miss this place and you guys a lot. i guess my inner child feels safest here. social media is a terrible place now i used to be able to tell all my business on there without a care like screaming into the void but its not a void anymore ppl really do read that shit & on top of that i dont like seeing myself complain about the same shit for years like i feel like nowadays i have nothing else to add to this sad ass story just taking my L's in silence

anyways im a mom now and i love being a mom. all my daughter has to do is smile at me and i smile back and feel so proud and accomplished and warm inside. but i am severely traumatized by my own mother and its a struggle. my biggest fear rn is that i'll run away again and abandon the family i've built. the way my life is, things are always hard im always under pressure its always do or die and i can be consistent at getting through that for years but all it takes is one day for me to decide i need a break and then i'll dismantle my whole life and make irreversible decisions. like it took 17 years of isolation and physical/emotional abuse for me to lose my mind and give up on being a child and going to school and living with my mom and i suffered a lot bc of it.

im working on not being impulsive and childish but its hard to convince myself that when i feel like being rational and mature is running my life into the ground. im older now and my brain is doing the brain thing where you realize every decision you've ever made was dumb as hell. im bright but i dont think im capable of making smart decisions when it comes to my life.

plus, my baby daddy reminds me too much of my mother. he's a reliable commited person and ofc he has fun loving qualities but lately it's been giving meanie bo beanie! all i want is peace with him but he's really stern and stubborn. i crave something fun and light but i dont feel secure without a deep suffocating bond i guess bc thats what i had with my mom. like yall know i have a problem with authority and this man literally explodes and shuts down every time i dont do exactly what he says, this is a horrible fit for me! and theres times where i could definitely just grow up and do what he says but this nigga is nuts like everyday its a new rule yall know i cant take that shit stop telling me what to do stink 💔💔💔

i think my life will be ok if i just learn discipline and commitment but it really do feel like this shit is gonna kill me 😣 i know i need help learning discipline but the ppl sent to guide me are so fucking mean!!! every single one of them!!!!!!! MEAN

I went to a dance party last night and I had a lot of fun. Ofcc he didnt really want me to go but You will never have freedom until you take it fr 😭 it was nice being around ppl my age. i got invited to this juneteenth thingy at the stadium today so i might go with the fam if they wake up at a decent time. anyways the party was only a couple blocks down from where i stay so i walked home last night. I know i said no more walking at 2am & i didnt even have a phone but i did have my laptop in hand and fully planned to beat somebody up with it. he said i wont even let him walk to the gas station at that time of night for blunts bc im so worried but then i'll turn around and do it myself. I never thought about it like that but he's right im gonna stop. somebody yelled 'wassup lil mama' and i replied "yurrr" the dreads are turning me into a young man 💔

ooo i didnt even tell yall thursday i got mad asf cus mr i love making my bitch upset acting like he didnt wanna eat at this indian restaurant i love so i was like fuck it im going to smoken words. smoken words is this popular open mic in my city & they be selling out this club whiskey north that all the celebs like kodak black & lil durk be performing at when they come to town. they be using a video of me performing to promote lemme link it for reference and if youre ever in tampa on a thursday definitly stop by its a lot of fun



so anyways i always try to show love to them bc they fwm but i havent been there in so long cus im over here tryna play house like a dumbass so since he made me mad i was like ykw im finna make an appearance. I put on this XXXTRA SMALL hot pink outfit that i got from shein before i was pregnant and i only ever wore it once. I was so suprised that i could fit it again and baby i looked tf GOODT! I did my makeup and it was probably the best face i've ever done (the first time i wore it i was rushing so i went with a bare face which was still cute dont play but this time i made it pop with my makeup). I didnt have a phone so i couldnt even take no selfies but i knew looking that good in pink i was gonna be the focal point of the room tf and I was gonna perform You Da One by Rihanna like it was gonna be perfect....tell me why one of them lil tropical storms swept through dale mabry and knocked the power out on the entire block that whiskey north was at 😭 them mfs cancelled the show and I didnt have a phone to stay updated so I showed up after it was cancelled around 10 and had already scheduled my ride back home for 1am. shit like that only happens to me i swear to god 😭😭😭 so i was stuck there with the club staff and i wasted a good ass look like I cant even wear that shit again unless i go to a whole different crowd of ppl. cus i already wore it once to ladies night thats one of my friends events lemme link that too cus that was a great night



but the night wasnt a complete waste cus i got to meet and hangout with the club owner and the club manager and their security guard so you now if i ever get big enough to headline there they gonna be like "oh wow she was cool af". we didnt do nothing i sipped on a little bit of henny and i do mean a little bit, had a slice of pizza and vibed to music off of somebodys phone. and I talked to dj spaceship who was the dj for the waves of the bay cypher that i was in way back when i was in my female rap era. that cypher was a flop tho cus everybody sucked except me they never uploaded it to youtube smh. but they uploaded my interview which was embarasing cus i was jittery asf off of the adrenaline but lemme link it anyway lmao



i also met this one rlly cute girl she an abolitionist and she thick with a bunch of piercings in her face and she kept calling me beautiful like stoppp I hope I see her again.

but that night was interesting though especially since this post just made me realize that it brought together all of these old ass videos? anyways i want to go next thursday but idk if mr sassy gonna let me pull that shit again lmao

yall that job was a terrible idea. i quit last week and started a new job that i actually like. i should've knew better i was working at family dollar and that shit was just too ghetto for me like one of the worst establishments i have ever stepped in what was i thinking. and they kept tryna do that thing where they think being hard on you and berating you and criticizing you and yelling at you is going to make you work harder whole time it just make me wanna fight. i was so close to swinging on them ppl on my way out and I'm very proud of myself for not doing it. i have never came that close to fighting at work like I'm such a professional doll. But unfortunately places like family dollar always be putting loud mouth walrus looking bitches in positions of leadership and she really tried to play me just bc I'm quiet. in the end they only played themselves bc you need this short-staffed job, i dont.

the new job is at this clothing store i really like and i dont wanna jinx myself but so far the vibes are more my speed. like I'm surrounded by gorgeous gorgeous girls and we talk about clothes all day. there's some great places right next door to the store too for lunch. and on top of that i get a 30% discount when i tell yall I'ma hold onto this job for dear life.

i guess they just have an aggressive work culture prolly bc of the type of customers they deal with but i refuse 😭 i worked fast food in high school and this was much worse. never again.