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damn i used to vent on here all the time & nowadays i stop myself cus i think nobody cares but nobody cared back then either so whats stopping me fr π ok lets start from the top
back when the forum was popping i used to be on here from sunrise to sunrise. i was real young (12) and deprived of the chance to have any real friends my age bc i didnt have a phone and i wasn't allowed to hang out with anyone after school. only times i wouldnt be on here is when the internet bill wasnt paid or when we were homeless. someone set the apartment upstairs on fire in 8th grade so we slept in motels for a few months and then in 11th grade my mom could only afford her car payment so we slept in hotels up for like a year up until i left her.
disclaimer im sorry to anyone who i lied to about my age but without yall i know i wouldnt be alive so it is what it is to me. this place wasnt the best influence and I guess i shouldnt have exposed myself to adult stuff and lied but im in therapy working on the stuff that convinced me it was ok.
this forum was a big part of my life. I never outgrew this place but in 10th grade i bought my own phone and started making connections to ppl in real life and then i started to live out my delusions on social media instead π
i broke my phone again πππ when im phoneless it just reminds me of life before i ever had one. i could make up stuff and do music i like that. i miss this place and you guys a lot. i guess my inner child feels safest here. social media is a terrible place now i used to be able to tell all my business on there without a care like screaming into the void but its not a void anymore ppl really do read that shit & on top of that i dont like seeing myself complain about the same shit for years like i feel like nowadays i have nothing else to add to this sad ass story just taking my L's in silence anyways im a mom now and i love being a mom. all my daughter has to do is smile at me and i smile back and feel so proud and accomplished and warm inside. but i am severely traumatized by my own mother and its a struggle. my biggest fear rn is that i'll run away again and abandon the family i've built. the way my life is, things are always hard im always under pressure its always do or die and i can be consistent at getting through that for years but all it takes is one day for me to decide i need a break and then i'll dismantle my whole life and make irreversible decisions. like it took 17 years of isolation and physical/emotional abuse for me to lose my mind and give up on being a child and going to school and living with my mom and i suffered a lot bc of it. im working on not being impulsive and childish but its hard to convince myself that when i feel like being rational and mature is running my life into the ground. im older now and my brain is doing the brain thing where you realize every decision you've ever made was dumb as hell. im bright but i dont think im capable of making smart decisions when it comes to my life. plus, my baby daddy reminds me too much of my mother. he's a reliable commited person and ofc he has fun loving qualities but lately it's been giving meanie bo beanie! all i want is peace with him but he's really stern and stubborn. i crave something fun and light but i dont feel secure without a deep suffocating bond i guess bc thats what i had with my mom. like yall know i have a problem with authority and this man literally explodes and shuts down every time i dont do exactly what he says, this is a horrible fit for me! and theres times where i could definitely just grow up and do what he says but this nigga is nuts like everyday its a new rule yall know i cant take that shit stop telling me what to do stink πππ i think my life will be ok if i just learn discipline and commitment but it really do feel like this shit is gonna kill me π£ i know i need help learning discipline but the ppl sent to guide me are so fucking mean!!! every single one of them!!!!!!! MEAN Edited by user 14 June 2022 07:01:11(UTC)
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I woke up feeling so much better today. Idk if im completely out of that funk but im happy to see the brighter side of things for now. I realized these past few days that sunlight does wonders to my mental health. Ever since having the baby I dont smoke in my house anymore. I love smoking outside and breathing in fresh air while getting high. Only thing is all of our sleeping schedules are off and we wake up really late nowadays. The past month especially I've only been getting a few hours of sunlight. I spend a lot of time outside but it's usually at like 10pm-3am. Speaking of, I just had this really terrible dream about being outside late at night with my family & being put in danger so I'm going to stop i guess lmao.
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I went to a dance party last night and I had a lot of fun. Ofcc he didnt really want me to go but You will never have freedom until you take it fr π it was nice being around ppl my age. i got invited to this juneteenth thingy at the stadium today so i might go with the fam if they wake up at a decent time. anyways the party was only a couple blocks down from where i stay so i walked home last night. I know i said no more walking at 2am & i didnt even have a phone but i did have my laptop in hand and fully planned to beat somebody up with it. he said i wont even let him walk to the gas station at that time of night for blunts bc im so worried but then i'll turn around and do it myself. I never thought about it like that but he's right im gonna stop. somebody yelled 'wassup lil mama' and i replied "yurrr" the dreads are turning me into a young man π |
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 the side effects of breast feeding that they dont tell you about! i started a new job today and didnt pump while at work (7 hours!) . now my chest hurts and my fever at 102 and i got a mean headache! it hit me so hard soon as i got home My first day was great though. I'm trying my hardest to make a good impression so I can be assistant manager in a couple of weeks! Especially since I got fired from my last new job after just 2 days π i dozed off too many times. The money was great and I wish I didnt lose that one but this new oppurtunity is sufficient enough to help with the bills and I get a chance to be on my feet. I haven't had to work since I was pregnant and I'm grateful that I had time to focus on myself and my child for the last 2 years. I missed having my own money so much though. Hate giving #him leverage to tell me what to do π anyways I guess I'm starting a new chapter in my life which is always fun. |
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im at a cafe writing rps bout to go get some crabs and waste money that i know i need operation feel better anyways there was this lizard doing the lizard thing where they show off their neck and bob their heads like am i tripping or isnt that their mating call? that mf was looking right at me and there's no other lizards around like i know im not being seduced rn π and then he just disappeared. anyways i got promoted yesterday and i applied for a second job. i never worked 2 jobs before but im hoping it wont be too overwhelming. i kinda wanted to go on an adventure today like get on a random bus and get off whenever i feel like it but i left my airpods at home so thats fucking cancelled. the crab place dont open until 12pm though so idk im either gonna buy a new purse from rainbow or walk around walmart to waste time. Edited by user 18 July 2022 00:57:34(UTC)
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oh yeah.that lizard was working his magic.
i did two jobs for a week. i realized quickly that i could just wait for a car. |
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crying i never tried bc i assumed it was hell but im in the mood to grind. i paid my rent up 2 months so I kind of want to keep paying in advance and keep that up for as long as possible |
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yall that job was a terrible idea. i quit last week and started a new job that i actually like. i should've knew better i was working at family dollar and that shit was just too ghetto for me like one of the worst establishments i have ever stepped in what was i thinking. and they kept tryna do that thing where they think being hard on you and berating you and criticizing you and yelling at you is going to make you work harder whole time it just make me wanna fight. i was so close to swinging on them ppl on my way out and I'm very proud of myself for not doing it. i have never came that close to fighting at work like I'm such a professional doll. But unfortunately places like family dollar always be putting loud mouth walrus looking bitches in positions of leadership and she really tried to play me just bc I'm quiet. in the end they only played themselves bc you need this short-staffed job, i dont.
the new job is at this clothing store i really like and i dont wanna jinx myself but so far the vibes are more my speed. like I'm surrounded by gorgeous gorgeous girls and we talk about clothes all day. there's some great places right next door to the store too for lunch. and on top of that i get a 30% discount when i tell yall I'ma hold onto this job for dear life.
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We used to go to family dollar all the time at the old place I used to work. Ah,I miss those people. Anyways,the manager at this one sounds identical to that one. She was cruel to the workers. Just berating the hell out of them in front of costumers. So much so that one of my coworkers called her out on it. Good to hear you're outta there and in a better place. |
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i guess they just have an aggressive work culture prolly bc of the type of customers they deal with but i refuse π i worked fast food in high school and this was much worse. never again. |
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 I'm not gonna abandon this thread I'm not gonna abandonthisthreadimnotgonnaabandonthisthread Lmao so life is definitely different since the last time I posted. I enjoyed my job at the clothing store a lot more than I thought I would but all good things must come to an end </3 the hours got cut so I ended up just quitting. I go thru jobs like underwear omfg it's just hard for me to take them serious when I know im supposed to be doing something else in life. My plan is to work from home until baby gets here. Yall know I'm a spiritual nut at times I got a reading from my mentor and she said it was time for me to leave that job anyway so that I can be in the home more bc I have to watch over my kids and protect them from others. I'm a good mother tbh and I don't really play that like my child is always with me or her father and once in a blue moon she might spend time with my sister but that's it. I don't even have her in daycare I tried daycare for like 2 weeks and I'll never do that shit again I promise. But yes I'm pregnant again last time I posted I already knew I was pregnant but I officially got the confirmation this week. I'm in my 2nd trimester and they haven't told me the gender yet but I'm hoping for a boy. I definitely had mixed feelings at the beginning bc 1) the depression/anger had hit me real bad August - October and 2) in my head I wanted my kids to be 2-3 years apart but it's not that bad this baby is due in April and my baby will be turning 2 in July. I'm happy they'll get to grow up together, I know she'll be so happy when she has another kid to play and talk to in here. Me and my sisters were 6 years apart and we got separated a couple of times through foster care and then again when they went to college. (My little brother is 14 years younger than me and I'm not in contact with him at all anymore smh) Nowadays we're closer but still not exactly as close as most sisters are. Its made life lonely for me and I don't really want that for my children. I've been going through it and keeping it to myself more bc I'm a big girl I'm tired of complaining but it's not that bad. I mean it is but like it's nothing I haven't already been dealing with for decades, I will get over it π one thing I love about myself is I know how to pick myself up and enjoy the moment. It's confusing at times bc I can seem happier than I really am but it's helpful. I think all of my good and bad happens in moments/quick bursts of energy/spurts it'll hit me fast but it'll go away fast. I just gotta stay afloat, be present, try to dodge the bullets before I hear the shots. Avoid doing anything irreversible I always have my fingers in a lot of pots but my main focus right now is just building my family. I'm realizing these things take time to build, especially when both parents are coming from unhealthy environments. I want our home to be a sanctuary of love and i know i can make that happen. I just need to be patient with myself and you know who. Less fighting less crying more loving. |
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Congratulations. I learned my lesson after just one. |
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Aww girl I know the feels of having a baby and then the aftermath of said baby, but congratulations on baby #2 canβt say I have been as lucky as you I feel like Kyle and I are just destined to have the 1 child and I have come to be okay with that, but you go girl and pop them out for me! |
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Originally Posted by: erich hess  Congratulations. I learned my lesson after just one. Thank you ππ yaknow maybe I am being a little naive but I do want a few kids and I think I'd enjoy having a house full of them. I worked preschool and it was hard bc of all the rules and personalities but i had fun. Originally Posted by: AmyJayneXoX Aww girl I know the feels of having a baby and then the aftermath of said baby, but congratulations on baby #2 canβt say I have been as lucky as you I feel like Kyle and I are just destined to have the 1 child and I have come to be okay with that, but you go girl and pop them out for me! Congratulations Amy I had no idea you became a mother ππ I'm glad you understand cus it's so hard sometimes but it's a huge blessing. Everything will happen the way it's meant to |
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