damn i used to vent on here all the time & nowadays i stop myself cus i think nobody cares but nobody cared back then either so whats stopping me fr 😭 ok lets start from the top



i broke my phone again 💔💔💔 when im phoneless it just reminds me of life before i ever had one. i could make up stuff and do music i like that. i miss this place and you guys a lot. i guess my inner child feels safest here. social media is a terrible place now i used to be able to tell all my business on there without a care like screaming into the void but its not a void anymore ppl really do read that shit & on top of that i dont like seeing myself complain about the same shit for years like i feel like nowadays i have nothing else to add to this sad ass story just taking my L's in silence

anyways im a mom now and i love being a mom. all my daughter has to do is smile at me and i smile back and feel so proud and accomplished and warm inside. but i am severely traumatized by my own mother and its a struggle. my biggest fear rn is that i'll run away again and abandon the family i've built. the way my life is, things are always hard im always under pressure its always do or die and i can be consistent at getting through that for years but all it takes is one day for me to decide i need a break and then i'll dismantle my whole life and make irreversible decisions. like it took 17 years of isolation and physical/emotional abuse for me to lose my mind and give up on being a child and going to school and living with my mom and i suffered a lot bc of it.

im working on not being impulsive and childish but its hard to convince myself that when i feel like being rational and mature is running my life into the ground. im older now and my brain is doing the brain thing where you realize every decision you've ever made was dumb as hell. im bright but i dont think im capable of making smart decisions when it comes to my life.

plus, my baby daddy reminds me too much of my mother. he's a reliable commited person and ofc he has fun loving qualities but lately it's been giving meanie bo beanie! all i want is peace with him but he's really stern and stubborn. i crave something fun and light but i dont feel secure without a deep suffocating bond i guess bc thats what i had with my mom. like yall know i have a problem with authority and this man literally explodes and shuts down every time i dont do exactly what he says, this is a horrible fit for me! and theres times where i could definitely just grow up and do what he says but this nigga is nuts like everyday its a new rule yall know i cant take that shit stop telling me what to do stink 💔💔💔

i think my life will be ok if i just learn discipline and commitment but it really do feel like this shit is gonna kill me 😣 i know i need help learning discipline but the ppl sent to guide me are so fucking mean!!! every single one of them!!!!!!! MEAN

I went to a dance party last night and I had a lot of fun. Ofcc he didnt really want me to go but You will never have freedom until you take it fr 😭 it was nice being around ppl my age. i got invited to this juneteenth thingy at the stadium today so i might go with the fam if they wake up at a decent time. anyways the party was only a couple blocks down from where i stay so i walked home last night. I know i said no more walking at 2am & i didnt even have a phone but i did have my laptop in hand and fully planned to beat somebody up with it. he said i wont even let him walk to the gas station at that time of night for blunts bc im so worried but then i'll turn around and do it myself. I never thought about it like that but he's right im gonna stop. somebody yelled 'wassup lil mama' and i replied "yurrr" the dreads are turning me into a young man 💔