"You're not alone on thinking that, Iz. I'm sure a lot of people would agree with that," he said quietly, tracing his thumb around the rim of his glass. "And at one point, I did see myself like that, you know. A bachelor for life, who will just bounce between relationships and women. That no one would ever tie me down." Ryan sighed aloud, leaning back into a more comfortable stance on his chair. "And dating is what it is. We're not all lucky enough to be madly in love and getting married to their person of their dreams, Ms. Merjos." He added with a soft chuckle, pointing toward the engagement ring on her finger. "I'm tired of dating. It's mentally exhausting to date in this day and age because you have so many communication waves and distractions that ache away at the essence of what love is. At the same time though, I have reached a point where in my life, I'm not implying that I want to get married tomorrow and have kids in a year because that's not realistic when there's no one in my life currently to fit that description and do all of that with. But I do want something real and pure. I love Montana, I love the house I worked so hard to purchase and make my personal domain, but it gets lonely when it's just me and my dog up there. When I first bought that place I remember thinking, 'this is where I want to start a family, where I want to raise my kids in the future.' It's silly to hear that I'm sure, especially coming from me," he shrugged softly, pausing for a second before continuing on. "I do see myself as a husband and father one day, I'm just very paranoid about doing it with someone who I don't feel I'll be with the rest of my life. I don't know if everlasting love exists in this world. That's just a territory that I don't want to fuck up. I was raised by my mom, I never had a dad, I've never even met the guy. He might be dead for all I know. From that experience I learned that when I do have a kid, I'm gonna be there for them. I'm gonna be there for my future wife. And I just envision this really beautiful, comfortable home life." He gazed away as he thought of that future life he hoped to achieve one day, knowing how odd it was to speak about such subject just by the reputation he carried about himself.
He cleared his throat for a moment, taking a sip of his drink after knowing he had spoken about for awhile there, smirking at her comment about his anxiety. "Being who I am does carry quite a bit of anxiety in and of itself, you got that right," he said in a sarcastic tone of voice. His anxiety disorder was something he had never really spoken about with Izzy or any of his past exes, despite the fact it was something he had dealt with for the majority of his life by now. "Anxiety is just something I've always carried with me for as long as I can remember. I'd say a little while after we broke up and I was sort of going through a down period in my life, I looked for professional help and I was officially diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. That's one of the reasons why I own that place out in Minnesota now because I'm closer to the Mayo Clinic which is where I see a therapist ever so often." He fiddles with his fingers through his hair, aware that he was bringing a more serious subject to the conversation than he would have liked and probably discuss something that was better suited for him to have brought up when the two were still together a long while ago. "I kind of have to learn to talk about it and be honest with it because I never was before. I know there are some past relationships, probably ours included, where there could have been more there or had it last more if I had sat you or someone else down and said, 'there are certain things I do or say that I really can't explain because I have anxiety and it scares the living shit out of me knowing that I like you but that monster in my head keeps telling me that I'm gonna fuck it up, and you're going to leave me when you see how messed up I am, and I need help.'" His brown eyes had dropped away from her at some point while he spoke. He wasn't yet totally comfortable to speak about his anxiety, but he knew it was something he had to do, even if there was a pang in his chest each time he did. "I-I-I'm sorry... I'm sure you didn't want to meet up just to hear about my sad fucking story. I know there are a lot of people out there who have it worse than me. Everyone with some wealth to their name has to have some loose bolts, right? Boo-hoo, here is a hundred dollar bill to cry into." He jokingly remarked with a gentle, forced chuckle as he looked back up toward her.